FIC: The Malfoy's Party from Snape's POV
Title: The Malfoy's Party from Snape's POV
Rating: PG (for language)
Genre: Humour
Warnings: More rat abuse.
Word Count: 2183
Disclaimer: I own nothing that you recognise. J K Rowling retains all copyright and I make no money from this.
Summary & Notes: Once upon a time, I wrote a short one shot that somehow morphed into the chaptered fic, The Spinner’s End Years - a humorous look at how Snape and Wormtail might have got along during their time together at Spinner’s End. (No - it wasn’t slash - Merlin No! That is one pairing I would NEVER want to write.)
Anyway, in that story there was a brief flashback to a Christmas at Malfoy Manor. Snape was mysteriously missing from that flashback…but he was at the party…as you can now see. You don't need to read The Spinner's End Years to read this story, all you need to know is that it isn't meant to be taken seriously, and the Dark Lord is a total nutter.
A brand new Snape story for everyone, but especially all those Snape fans on my f-list who have been so patient during the avalanche of puppy love fics in this journal.
Cross-posted to The HPN
-o-
Dozens of essays to mark, four dungeon rooms to clean out and Severus Snape was stuck at Malfoy Manor.
“Have the caterers arrived yet?” Narcissa screeched from somewhere in the recesses of the house.
Lucius and Severus cringed in synchronisation and turned back to the drinks’ cabinet. “You can see why I requested you arrive a little earlier…” Lucius said, waving his hand vaguely in the direction of the shrew.
“Of course,” Severus replied, lying as smoothly as ever. He was actually at something of a loss as to why he had to suffer through the preparations for the Christmas party as well. It was bad enough he had to actually attend the so-called festivities at all.
“Everyone’s going to be here tonight,” Lucius told him.
“Everyone?” Severus replied, for a moment having visions of various students he would much rather avoid turning up to keep Draco company.
“Well, everyone who matters,” Lucius amended. “Though I’ve not heard back from the Dark Lord yet.”
“Would he normally reply to an invitation?” Severus asked, privately thinking that the Dark Lord appeared more like a turn up if you feel like it sort of a person.
Lucius shrugged. “I wouldn’t know. I’ve never sent an invitation to him for anything before. I wouldn’t have done this time except he was having one of his turns when he came round and saw the new house elf addressing the envelopes. He seemed rather…upset…that he wasn’t going to be getting one. Said something about the robins on the cards looking rather like Snowflake.”
“I thought Snowflake was his owl?”
“It is.”
“And he thinks it looks like a robin?”
Lucius sighed and pulled out a decanter of elf-made wine. “He really should get his eyes checked out. Did you know he accidentally gave the muggle paperboy the Dark Mark last week?”
“Why was the muggle paperboy near the Dark Lord’s residence in the first place?”
“He wasn’t. The Dark Lord was out walking Nagini.”
Severus nodded and accepted the glass of wine. From the back of the house there came another scream from Narcissa. “Don’t put it there!”
“Put what where?” Severus asked.
“I find it better not to ask,” Lucius replied. “Ah, Draco, come in and say good afternoon to Professor Snape.”
Draco gave Severus a small nod and made a beeline for the decanter.
“Now, now, Draco,” Lucius chided. “What have I told you?”
Draco looked at his father blankly. “Er…”
“Not before noon.”
“It’s after two,” Draco told him, reaching for a glass.
“Is it really?” Lucius replied, giving every impression that he was thoroughly astonished by the news. “Doesn’t time fly when you’re having fun, Severus?”
Severus forced a smile onto his face. He really wouldn’t know.
By ten minutes to three Severus was on his third class of wine and was starting to eye up the vintage bottle of Ogden’s Best Firewhiskey lurking at the back.
Draco was prattling on about something or other, whilst his mother was still yelling orders like a Sergeant Major out in the hallway. Severus was slightly concerned that she seemed to be drawing closer, but the wine was helping with that.
“I can’t believe he actually believed me,” Draco said. “How gullible is he?”
“Oh, quite, quite,” Severus agreed, not having any idea as to what or who Draco was talking about and caring even less.
“Draco, dear, have you brought the wireless down from your room yet?”
“Yes, Mother,” Draco called back.
“Have you really?” Lucius asked in an undertone.
“No.”
“Perhaps you’d better go fetch it,” Lucius suggested, pulling the glass of watered-down (much to Draco’s disappointment) wine from his son’s hand.
Draco looked sulky, but stomped out of the room to do as he was told.
“I thought you were hiring a band?” Severus asked.
“We are,” Lucius replied. “Only the best for the Malfoy Christmas Party.”
“Then why does Narcissa need the wireless down here?”
“Oh, that’s for when it’s her turn at the karaoke. You know how much she hates to lose. I still have the scars from when she entered the parents’ egg and spoon race when Draco was six.”
“Draco attended a muggle school?” Severus asked. If there was one student at Hogwart’s, he would have thought had been home-schooled, it was certainly Draco.
“Certainly not,” Lucius replied, wrinkling his nose in distaste. “Draco wanted to win a trophy of some sort - you know how competitive he is - so Narcissa and I took him to the local school on their Sports Day. A few quick memory charms on the locals and he won his trophy in the three legged race.”
“He entered that with Narcissa?” Severus would have given a great deal to see that.
“Oh, no. He entered alone. Screamed blue murder when we took his third leg away though. That’s why Narcissa entered the egg and spoon race…to distract him. But, you know how competitive she can be.”
Severus was starting to wonder if the Dark Lord was the only one who wasn’t quite playing with a full deck. This time he didn’t wait for Lucius to refill his glass; he reached for the decanter himself.
“My left not your left!” Narcissa screamed.
From the hallway came the sounds of screams of pain and a crash of breaking glass.
“Sounds like the chandelier,” Lucius commented. “With a bit of luck anyway. Hideous thing, a wedding present from Walburga Black.”
“Perhaps you should see if the person who screamed is all right?” Severus suggested.
“I suppose,” Lucius agreed, walking slowly to the door. Severus followed after him a moment later, but not before filling up his glass once more.
The hallway was in a state of utter chaos, with Narcissa in the centre of it, waving her wand around like she was conducting an orchestra. Unfortunately, whilst this might have been a good thing if she was using her wand to repair the damage, she was unfortunately merely shooting off spells randomly in every direction, except where they were most needed.
“Father!” Draco yelled from the stairs. Severus and Lucius turned to see what the boy’s problem was, and neither could quite manage to stifle their smiles at what they saw.
“Well,” Severus commented to Lucius. “It’s certainly festive.”
“Get rid of them!” Draco screamed. “Pansy’s coming to the party; I can’t let her see me like this.” He pointed at the reindeer antlers sprouting from his head, as though his father did not know what he was talking about.
“Have you brought the wireless down?” Lucius asked.
Draco shook his head.
“Then go and fetch it and I’ll see what I can do.”
“But, I wanted to invite Pansy to listen to it in my room.”
“All the more reason you should bring it back downstairs,” Lucius replied.
Draco argued. Lucius gave orders. Narcissa got increasingly hysterical.
And so the afternoon dragged on.
The ballroom was where the main party would be held, and was therefore the main focus of the preparations, it was just unfortunate that none of the Malfoys were particularly adept when it came to preparing anything that didn’t involve some form of death, destruction and torture. Though from Severus’s point of view there was torture aplenty in store for him during the evening.
The first guest to arrive was Lucius’s mother-in-law. Druella Rosier took one look at the damaged chandelier, glared at Lucius and swept into the ballroom.
Lucius glared right back at her. “Bloody shrew,” he muttered to Severus. “Never figured out how she ever managed to produce a daughter like Cissy.”
“Can’t you?” Severus asked, the drink loosening his tongue as his brain cells evaporated in a haze of alcohol. Thankfully, Lucius didn’t hear his comment due to the doorbell ringing once more.
The second guest to arrive was Wormtail, who homed in on the buffet table immediately.
“He’s going to eat everything before the rest of the guests even arrive,” Lucius hissed under his breath.
Severus wasn’t particularly bothered, not as long as Wormtail stayed away from the booze.
“You’ll have to think of something,” Lucius ordered, leaving Severus with that pleasant thought as he went to greet the next arrivals.
The party was soon in full swing, although Severus made sure to stay on the sidelines as much as possible.
On the one hand, he did find it amusing to watch the Malfoys and their assortment of guests getting steadily drunker and increasingly more ridiculous as the evening wore on. On the other hand, he seemed to be constantly trying to avoid half-witted females armed with mistletoe.
He was just in the process of avoiding one such ninny when he heard Lucius hissing from the doorway behind him. Turning, he saw he was being beckoned out of the main room. As this would be an improvement on his current situation, he didn’t hesitate to follow Lucius into the study.
“We have a problem,” Lucius told him as soon as he’d closed the door. “An emergency. A crisis.”
“A penchant for being overly dramatic,” Severus muttered under his breath.
“Look there!” Lucius declared, pointing towards the rug in front of the fireplace.
Severus looked. All he could see was a rather fat owl stretched out on the rug. It was hardly the end of the world. A few cleaning charms could get rid of any feathers or other little presents the bird left.
“It’s Snowflake,” Lucius hissed.
“So I see.”
“The Dark Lord’s owl.”
“I am aware of that.”
“It’s here.”
“Obviously.”
“You’ve got to do something!”
Severus briefly wondered if it was the alcohol, but then realised that drunk or not Lucius was making even less sense than usual. “What do you wish me to do?” he asked, trying not to sound impatient and put upon, despite having run out of patience at least an hour before and feeling very put upon indeed.
“The Dark Lord’s on his way,” Lucius declared. “He’s coming to the party.”
Severus raised an eyebrow. Again, this hardly seemed like a crisis, it wasn’t like he was a gatecrasher…he had been invited after all. And, unlike the rest of the guests, the Dark Lord might actually bring a bottle like the invitation had asked.
“According to the Dark Lord’s R.S.V.P. he wants to meet Father Christmas,” Lucius finally explained. “It’s all Draco’s fault. He told him that Father Christmas is a reclusive wizard, who uses the floo network and time turners to get the job done.”
“That’s quite inventive,” Severus replied. He’d never really thought Draco had much imagination before, but he gave credit where credit was due.
“He also told him that he’d been a good boy this year, so the Dark Lord is expecting to meet this mythical character here…tonight. Weren’t you listening when Draco told you this earlier?”
“Ah.” Severus nodded understandingly, whilst ignoring Lucius’s question, after all, why in the world would he want to listen to Draco if he didn’t absolutely have to? “I see the problem.”
“Do you see a solution?” Lucius pleaded.
“I’ll think on it,” Severus promised.
The solution presented itself rather obnoxiously on the Malfoys’ dance floor, where it was gyrating with vigour and close to poking several eyes out.
Severus sidled up to Lucius with a devious smile. “Father Christmas is a portly fellow, isn’t he?” he asked.
“I believe so.”
“With a liking for mince pies?” Severus continued, pointing to where their saviour was now making his way to the buffet table, and stuffing two such mince pies into the pocket of his robes and a third into his mouth.
“He’d never agree to it,” Lucius whined.
“Not if the idea comes from me,” Severus agreed.
“Do you think he would?”
“Possibly.”
“Would the Dark Lord be convinced?”
“Perhaps.”
Severus smiled as he moved a safe distance from Lucius, watching as the blond-haired man beckoned Wormtail from the room. The evening was certainly improving.
The highlight of the evening however, at least in Severus’s opinion, was the sight of Wormtail, dressed in a familiar red suit, hanging from the guttering of Malfoy Manor.
“Foolish rat can’t do even the simplest thing right,” Lucius muttered, just as the Dark Lord arrived and demanded that Wormtail bring himself down from the roof and explain his actions immediately.
Severus turned to Lucius and shrugged; at least they were out of the firing line. Intending to keep it that way, Severus made his way back into the mansion.
“Severus!” a female voice squealed as he entered the ballroom. Too late he realised that he was standing right under the mistletoe.
The woman - why in the name of Merlin wasn’t she outside gawking with the rest of them? - rushed across the room, her lips puckered in readiness for her kiss.
Severus did the only thing he could - he ran and hid in Lucius’s study. Snowflake was still lying in front of the fire and he raised his glass in a toast to the bird. “Merry Christmas, Snowflake,” he said, settling down to wait for the party to end so that he could escape the madhouse that was Malfoy Manor.
Rating: PG (for language)
Genre: Humour
Warnings: More rat abuse.
Word Count: 2183
Disclaimer: I own nothing that you recognise. J K Rowling retains all copyright and I make no money from this.
Summary & Notes: Once upon a time, I wrote a short one shot that somehow morphed into the chaptered fic, The Spinner’s End Years - a humorous look at how Snape and Wormtail might have got along during their time together at Spinner’s End. (No - it wasn’t slash - Merlin No! That is one pairing I would NEVER want to write.)
Anyway, in that story there was a brief flashback to a Christmas at Malfoy Manor. Snape was mysteriously missing from that flashback…but he was at the party…as you can now see. You don't need to read The Spinner's End Years to read this story, all you need to know is that it isn't meant to be taken seriously, and the Dark Lord is a total nutter.
A brand new Snape story for everyone, but especially all those Snape fans on my f-list who have been so patient during the avalanche of puppy love fics in this journal.
Cross-posted to The HPN
-o-
Dozens of essays to mark, four dungeon rooms to clean out and Severus Snape was stuck at Malfoy Manor.
“Have the caterers arrived yet?” Narcissa screeched from somewhere in the recesses of the house.
Lucius and Severus cringed in synchronisation and turned back to the drinks’ cabinet. “You can see why I requested you arrive a little earlier…” Lucius said, waving his hand vaguely in the direction of the shrew.
“Of course,” Severus replied, lying as smoothly as ever. He was actually at something of a loss as to why he had to suffer through the preparations for the Christmas party as well. It was bad enough he had to actually attend the so-called festivities at all.
“Everyone’s going to be here tonight,” Lucius told him.
“Everyone?” Severus replied, for a moment having visions of various students he would much rather avoid turning up to keep Draco company.
“Well, everyone who matters,” Lucius amended. “Though I’ve not heard back from the Dark Lord yet.”
“Would he normally reply to an invitation?” Severus asked, privately thinking that the Dark Lord appeared more like a turn up if you feel like it sort of a person.
Lucius shrugged. “I wouldn’t know. I’ve never sent an invitation to him for anything before. I wouldn’t have done this time except he was having one of his turns when he came round and saw the new house elf addressing the envelopes. He seemed rather…upset…that he wasn’t going to be getting one. Said something about the robins on the cards looking rather like Snowflake.”
“I thought Snowflake was his owl?”
“It is.”
“And he thinks it looks like a robin?”
Lucius sighed and pulled out a decanter of elf-made wine. “He really should get his eyes checked out. Did you know he accidentally gave the muggle paperboy the Dark Mark last week?”
“Why was the muggle paperboy near the Dark Lord’s residence in the first place?”
“He wasn’t. The Dark Lord was out walking Nagini.”
Severus nodded and accepted the glass of wine. From the back of the house there came another scream from Narcissa. “Don’t put it there!”
“Put what where?” Severus asked.
“I find it better not to ask,” Lucius replied. “Ah, Draco, come in and say good afternoon to Professor Snape.”
Draco gave Severus a small nod and made a beeline for the decanter.
“Now, now, Draco,” Lucius chided. “What have I told you?”
Draco looked at his father blankly. “Er…”
“Not before noon.”
“It’s after two,” Draco told him, reaching for a glass.
“Is it really?” Lucius replied, giving every impression that he was thoroughly astonished by the news. “Doesn’t time fly when you’re having fun, Severus?”
Severus forced a smile onto his face. He really wouldn’t know.
By ten minutes to three Severus was on his third class of wine and was starting to eye up the vintage bottle of Ogden’s Best Firewhiskey lurking at the back.
Draco was prattling on about something or other, whilst his mother was still yelling orders like a Sergeant Major out in the hallway. Severus was slightly concerned that she seemed to be drawing closer, but the wine was helping with that.
“I can’t believe he actually believed me,” Draco said. “How gullible is he?”
“Oh, quite, quite,” Severus agreed, not having any idea as to what or who Draco was talking about and caring even less.
“Draco, dear, have you brought the wireless down from your room yet?”
“Yes, Mother,” Draco called back.
“Have you really?” Lucius asked in an undertone.
“No.”
“Perhaps you’d better go fetch it,” Lucius suggested, pulling the glass of watered-down (much to Draco’s disappointment) wine from his son’s hand.
Draco looked sulky, but stomped out of the room to do as he was told.
“I thought you were hiring a band?” Severus asked.
“We are,” Lucius replied. “Only the best for the Malfoy Christmas Party.”
“Then why does Narcissa need the wireless down here?”
“Oh, that’s for when it’s her turn at the karaoke. You know how much she hates to lose. I still have the scars from when she entered the parents’ egg and spoon race when Draco was six.”
“Draco attended a muggle school?” Severus asked. If there was one student at Hogwart’s, he would have thought had been home-schooled, it was certainly Draco.
“Certainly not,” Lucius replied, wrinkling his nose in distaste. “Draco wanted to win a trophy of some sort - you know how competitive he is - so Narcissa and I took him to the local school on their Sports Day. A few quick memory charms on the locals and he won his trophy in the three legged race.”
“He entered that with Narcissa?” Severus would have given a great deal to see that.
“Oh, no. He entered alone. Screamed blue murder when we took his third leg away though. That’s why Narcissa entered the egg and spoon race…to distract him. But, you know how competitive she can be.”
Severus was starting to wonder if the Dark Lord was the only one who wasn’t quite playing with a full deck. This time he didn’t wait for Lucius to refill his glass; he reached for the decanter himself.
“My left not your left!” Narcissa screamed.
From the hallway came the sounds of screams of pain and a crash of breaking glass.
“Sounds like the chandelier,” Lucius commented. “With a bit of luck anyway. Hideous thing, a wedding present from Walburga Black.”
“Perhaps you should see if the person who screamed is all right?” Severus suggested.
“I suppose,” Lucius agreed, walking slowly to the door. Severus followed after him a moment later, but not before filling up his glass once more.
The hallway was in a state of utter chaos, with Narcissa in the centre of it, waving her wand around like she was conducting an orchestra. Unfortunately, whilst this might have been a good thing if she was using her wand to repair the damage, she was unfortunately merely shooting off spells randomly in every direction, except where they were most needed.
“Father!” Draco yelled from the stairs. Severus and Lucius turned to see what the boy’s problem was, and neither could quite manage to stifle their smiles at what they saw.
“Well,” Severus commented to Lucius. “It’s certainly festive.”
“Get rid of them!” Draco screamed. “Pansy’s coming to the party; I can’t let her see me like this.” He pointed at the reindeer antlers sprouting from his head, as though his father did not know what he was talking about.
“Have you brought the wireless down?” Lucius asked.
Draco shook his head.
“Then go and fetch it and I’ll see what I can do.”
“But, I wanted to invite Pansy to listen to it in my room.”
“All the more reason you should bring it back downstairs,” Lucius replied.
Draco argued. Lucius gave orders. Narcissa got increasingly hysterical.
And so the afternoon dragged on.
The ballroom was where the main party would be held, and was therefore the main focus of the preparations, it was just unfortunate that none of the Malfoys were particularly adept when it came to preparing anything that didn’t involve some form of death, destruction and torture. Though from Severus’s point of view there was torture aplenty in store for him during the evening.
The first guest to arrive was Lucius’s mother-in-law. Druella Rosier took one look at the damaged chandelier, glared at Lucius and swept into the ballroom.
Lucius glared right back at her. “Bloody shrew,” he muttered to Severus. “Never figured out how she ever managed to produce a daughter like Cissy.”
“Can’t you?” Severus asked, the drink loosening his tongue as his brain cells evaporated in a haze of alcohol. Thankfully, Lucius didn’t hear his comment due to the doorbell ringing once more.
The second guest to arrive was Wormtail, who homed in on the buffet table immediately.
“He’s going to eat everything before the rest of the guests even arrive,” Lucius hissed under his breath.
Severus wasn’t particularly bothered, not as long as Wormtail stayed away from the booze.
“You’ll have to think of something,” Lucius ordered, leaving Severus with that pleasant thought as he went to greet the next arrivals.
The party was soon in full swing, although Severus made sure to stay on the sidelines as much as possible.
On the one hand, he did find it amusing to watch the Malfoys and their assortment of guests getting steadily drunker and increasingly more ridiculous as the evening wore on. On the other hand, he seemed to be constantly trying to avoid half-witted females armed with mistletoe.
He was just in the process of avoiding one such ninny when he heard Lucius hissing from the doorway behind him. Turning, he saw he was being beckoned out of the main room. As this would be an improvement on his current situation, he didn’t hesitate to follow Lucius into the study.
“We have a problem,” Lucius told him as soon as he’d closed the door. “An emergency. A crisis.”
“A penchant for being overly dramatic,” Severus muttered under his breath.
“Look there!” Lucius declared, pointing towards the rug in front of the fireplace.
Severus looked. All he could see was a rather fat owl stretched out on the rug. It was hardly the end of the world. A few cleaning charms could get rid of any feathers or other little presents the bird left.
“It’s Snowflake,” Lucius hissed.
“So I see.”
“The Dark Lord’s owl.”
“I am aware of that.”
“It’s here.”
“Obviously.”
“You’ve got to do something!”
Severus briefly wondered if it was the alcohol, but then realised that drunk or not Lucius was making even less sense than usual. “What do you wish me to do?” he asked, trying not to sound impatient and put upon, despite having run out of patience at least an hour before and feeling very put upon indeed.
“The Dark Lord’s on his way,” Lucius declared. “He’s coming to the party.”
Severus raised an eyebrow. Again, this hardly seemed like a crisis, it wasn’t like he was a gatecrasher…he had been invited after all. And, unlike the rest of the guests, the Dark Lord might actually bring a bottle like the invitation had asked.
“According to the Dark Lord’s R.S.V.P. he wants to meet Father Christmas,” Lucius finally explained. “It’s all Draco’s fault. He told him that Father Christmas is a reclusive wizard, who uses the floo network and time turners to get the job done.”
“That’s quite inventive,” Severus replied. He’d never really thought Draco had much imagination before, but he gave credit where credit was due.
“He also told him that he’d been a good boy this year, so the Dark Lord is expecting to meet this mythical character here…tonight. Weren’t you listening when Draco told you this earlier?”
“Ah.” Severus nodded understandingly, whilst ignoring Lucius’s question, after all, why in the world would he want to listen to Draco if he didn’t absolutely have to? “I see the problem.”
“Do you see a solution?” Lucius pleaded.
“I’ll think on it,” Severus promised.
The solution presented itself rather obnoxiously on the Malfoys’ dance floor, where it was gyrating with vigour and close to poking several eyes out.
Severus sidled up to Lucius with a devious smile. “Father Christmas is a portly fellow, isn’t he?” he asked.
“I believe so.”
“With a liking for mince pies?” Severus continued, pointing to where their saviour was now making his way to the buffet table, and stuffing two such mince pies into the pocket of his robes and a third into his mouth.
“He’d never agree to it,” Lucius whined.
“Not if the idea comes from me,” Severus agreed.
“Do you think he would?”
“Possibly.”
“Would the Dark Lord be convinced?”
“Perhaps.”
Severus smiled as he moved a safe distance from Lucius, watching as the blond-haired man beckoned Wormtail from the room. The evening was certainly improving.
The highlight of the evening however, at least in Severus’s opinion, was the sight of Wormtail, dressed in a familiar red suit, hanging from the guttering of Malfoy Manor.
“Foolish rat can’t do even the simplest thing right,” Lucius muttered, just as the Dark Lord arrived and demanded that Wormtail bring himself down from the roof and explain his actions immediately.
Severus turned to Lucius and shrugged; at least they were out of the firing line. Intending to keep it that way, Severus made his way back into the mansion.
“Severus!” a female voice squealed as he entered the ballroom. Too late he realised that he was standing right under the mistletoe.
The woman - why in the name of Merlin wasn’t she outside gawking with the rest of them? - rushed across the room, her lips puckered in readiness for her kiss.
Severus did the only thing he could - he ran and hid in Lucius’s study. Snowflake was still lying in front of the fire and he raised his glass in a toast to the bird. “Merry Christmas, Snowflake,” he said, settling down to wait for the party to end so that he could escape the madhouse that was Malfoy Manor.