(no subject)
Is it that difficult to think of a title for your story? A crappy title is better than no title. Take the song "Papercut" by Linkin Park for example, in my opinion, paper cuts have nothing to do with paranoia and the feeling of creepy crawlies under your skin.
Maybe I've been reading too many Yu-gi-oh songfics feature "Papercut".
Anyway, this is possibly the last Sue for two months. Where I'm going, there's no internet.
TITLE: Untitled (Subject to change?)
SINNER AUTHOR'S NAME: Ranma009
NUMBER OR SPORKS IT TAKES TO KILL THIS SUE:
FULL NAME(with titles): Allie Turner, AKA "Clover the Earth Alchemist"
SPECIES: Human/Alchemist
AGE: 13
ATTIRE: "She was not wearing a state alchemist uniform like everyone else at HQ, she wore a baggy pair of black jeans and a tight red shirt that rose up when she lifted her arms up. She also wore a denim jacket which was blue."
HAIR (with adjectives): strawberry blonde that comes down to her chin
EYES (with adjectives): not mentioned
UNUSUAL MARKINGS: a transmutation circle tattooed on her stomach
POSSESSIONS: none. Or none I bothered to notice.
ANNOYING ORIGIN: She started learning alchemy when she was three, and now, ten years later, she wants to become a State Alchemist.
ANNOYING CONNECTIONS TO CANON: She does become a state alchemist (within the passing of a paragraph) and then gets sent on a mission with Ed to investigate the Youswell mines.
ANNOYING SPECIAL ABILITIES: None, really. Unless you count how she "electrified" her body.
OTHER ANNOYING TRAITS: She thinks she's speshul.
NOTES:
99% of the events that take place in this story is told in summarized narrative. And any dialogue has no point, only to be interrupted by a line going "this happened".
Although, plus points (or minus sporks) for not giving her the ability to do alchemy without a circle without seeing the gate.
Then again, minus points for using the "insert Sue into random canon mission" plot device. It almost makes me miss the "random Sue falls from sky" plot line.
Almost.
The half-a-paragraph dedicated to the State Alchemy Exam fails. Immensely. Having the character claim she doesn't remember what happened is not an excuse for not describing it, especially when writing in third person omnipotent.
I think the Suethor failed to post the second chapter and only got the first and third, because there are events referred to in the "second" chapter that never happened. Plus, the first chapter ends with her sitting on the steps waiting for Hughes to refer her to Mustang, and then the "second" starts with her studying like a madman. Hmm. Intelligence.
SAMPLE:
The weeks went by like a flash and finally Allie was told that she could take the exam, but she would only become a state alchemist if she was the best out of all the others. She studied and studied. She stayed up late into the nights just to finish and understand at least five books. Allie was determined to become just like Full Metal as most called him around Central. Then the day of the written exam came. Allie went in more prepared then most. She came out exhausted and thinking she had failed. Luck was on her side, as it were, and the next part was the interview. She waited until it was her turn to enter the room where she was to be interviewed.
When she walked into the room, she saw a golden chair that stood on three legs.
‘Things alchemy can accomplish.’ She thought.
“Please sit,” Said a voice and Allie was pulled back to reality.
She nodded her head and took a sit on the three-legged chair.
“Now, why do you want to become a state alchemist?” asked the voice.
“Because, I’m looking for someone, someone very important to me, and I...promised that I would become one to this person,” Allie replied. (What person? I vaguely remember her talking to General Haruko. o.O)
“You may go.”
'That was quick.' Allie thought, but stood up and left the room, her heart pounding uncontrollably against her chest.
She found out the news that she had advanced to the next challenge later that day. She was excited, but now she had to show her skill and everyone thought she could use alchemy without a transmutation circle. What would she make? What would she do? She mainly made necklaces and rings, but that wouldn’t impress the military. No, she had to do something spectacular. She couldn’t think of anything to do though. What could she possibly make that would make her a sure win to be the one or one of the two who became a state alchemist? This was very difficult indeed. She had no idea what to make. (leik omgomgomgomg, now were goin 2 see what shes gunna make!!!!111!!!)
She followed all the four other participants outside to do the presentation part of the exam. She watched the other four guys go and then it was her turn, but to be truthful she had no idea what she had done to impress everyone so much, but boy she did. She didn’t even remember what she did. She was the one though. She was the one chosen to be a state alchemist. (...Creativity abounds, doesn't it?)She had a feeling though that Mustang didn’t like her and didn’t agree that she should be a state alchemist. (Good. Go back to the Gate you came from.)
The next day she got the watch to prove that she was a state alchemist and it would help the alchemic reaction as she had read.
“Now what do I do next?” Allie asked Mustang.
“Now you wait for instructions and missions,” Mustang replied.
“Yes sir,” Allie replied a little disappointed that she couldn’t get right on a mission. She was looking forward to find Full Metal. Would she have a special name or just be called Turner? She walked out of HQ and decided to take a walk.
“This really blows,” Allie said aloud, “I finally become a state alchemist and there are no missions right away. Damn it, now I have to wait to find Full Metal.”
Allie put her hands in her pockets and walked down an alley. She was not wearing a state alchemist uniform like everyone else at HQ, she wore a baggy pair of black jeans and a tight red shirt that rose up when she lifted her arms up (*facepalm* Skanky preteen Sue. Lovely. Hey Sue! No one wants to see those mosquito bites you have for a rack! (Okay, so technically, thirteen = teen. ) If she can ignore details completely, why can't I?). She also wore a denim jacket which was blue.
Her strawberry blonde hair was short and went down to her chin. She was hoping to get a mission soon so she could find Full Metal. It was getting dark so she decided to go back to HQ. She lay awake that night hoping and praying that there would be a mission for her the next day. She later fell asleep and her dreams were filled with her and an eleven year old boy and a taller man who was wearing armor.
She awoke the next morning with a start because First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye had woken her.
"What is it?" Allie asked.
"Lt. Colonel Mustang wants to see you, Turner," Riza replied.
"Yes ma'am." Allie waited for the Lieutenant to leave then got dressed in her normal daily clothes. She walked out of her room and went to Mustangs office. When she entered he didn't look up.
It wasn't until she was standing in front of his desk that he looked at her.
"Ok, your code name is Clover the Earth alchemist. (I wasn't aware they got a new personal name too.)Now Clover, here is your mission and all the details. You will be leaving Central to go to Youswell Coal Mine. Everything you need to know is in the mission details," Mustang explained as he tossed her a folder.
"I'll leave right away," Allie said and ran out of the office. She got some money and went to the train station. She almost missed the train to Youswell, but caught it right as it was leaving. On the train she read the mission file. She was to go there and meet Full Metal and help inspect the mines. Her eyes seemed to glow and she watched the scenery as the train went.
Finally she got there and looked around. She saw some people cheering and a short guy with blonde hair. There was also the man in a suit of armor that she had meet before.
"Full Metal Alchemist!" Allie yelled over the cheering. Some people looked at her, but paid no mind. The short blonde haired man however walked over to her.
"Yeah, you called me?" he said.
"You're Full Metal?" Allie asked confused and looked at the man in armor.
"I thought that he was Full Metal." Allie pointed at the man in armor. "But since this is the case, I didn't imagine you being so um...short," Allie said.
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT YOU WANT TO SQUASH WITH A FLYSWATER!" he yelled.
"Brother, she didn't say that," said the man in armor.
"Nevermind that, I'm suppose to help you inspect the mines," Allie said.
"Sorry, but we've already inspected the mines," said Ed.
"I was too late? Oh, that's too bad, I was really hoping to work with you. I've been waiting to see you again. I just didn't know it was you at first, but I had a feeling and it was right. You are the Edward who helped me out when those stupid bandits attacked me in the woods." She pulled out her state alchemist watch and showed it to him. "I became a state alchemist just like I promised Ed!" Allie yelled and hugged him. (Lazy, lazy, lazy, Suethor. Stop making excuses so you don't have to describe events!)
Maybe I've been reading too many Yu-gi-oh songfics feature "Papercut".
Anyway, this is possibly the last Sue for two months. Where I'm going, there's no internet.
TITLE: Untitled (Subject to change?)
SINNER AUTHOR'S NAME: Ranma009
NUMBER OR SPORKS IT TAKES TO KILL THIS SUE:
FULL NAME(with titles): Allie Turner, AKA "Clover the Earth Alchemist"
SPECIES: Human/Alchemist
AGE: 13
ATTIRE: "She was not wearing a state alchemist uniform like everyone else at HQ, she wore a baggy pair of black jeans and a tight red shirt that rose up when she lifted her arms up. She also wore a denim jacket which was blue."
HAIR (with adjectives): strawberry blonde that comes down to her chin
EYES (with adjectives): not mentioned
UNUSUAL MARKINGS: a transmutation circle tattooed on her stomach
POSSESSIONS: none. Or none I bothered to notice.
ANNOYING ORIGIN: She started learning alchemy when she was three, and now, ten years later, she wants to become a State Alchemist.
ANNOYING CONNECTIONS TO CANON: She does become a state alchemist (within the passing of a paragraph) and then gets sent on a mission with Ed to investigate the Youswell mines.
ANNOYING SPECIAL ABILITIES: None, really. Unless you count how she "electrified" her body.
OTHER ANNOYING TRAITS: She thinks she's speshul.
NOTES:
99% of the events that take place in this story is told in summarized narrative. And any dialogue has no point, only to be interrupted by a line going "this happened".
Although, plus points (or minus sporks) for not giving her the ability to do alchemy without a circle without seeing the gate.
Then again, minus points for using the "insert Sue into random canon mission" plot device. It almost makes me miss the "random Sue falls from sky" plot line.
Almost.
The half-a-paragraph dedicated to the State Alchemy Exam fails. Immensely. Having the character claim she doesn't remember what happened is not an excuse for not describing it, especially when writing in third person omnipotent.
I think the Suethor failed to post the second chapter and only got the first and third, because there are events referred to in the "second" chapter that never happened. Plus, the first chapter ends with her sitting on the steps waiting for Hughes to refer her to Mustang, and then the "second" starts with her studying like a madman. Hmm. Intelligence.
SAMPLE:
The weeks went by like a flash and finally Allie was told that she could take the exam, but she would only become a state alchemist if she was the best out of all the others. She studied and studied. She stayed up late into the nights just to finish and understand at least five books. Allie was determined to become just like Full Metal as most called him around Central. Then the day of the written exam came. Allie went in more prepared then most. She came out exhausted and thinking she had failed. Luck was on her side, as it were, and the next part was the interview. She waited until it was her turn to enter the room where she was to be interviewed.
When she walked into the room, she saw a golden chair that stood on three legs.
‘Things alchemy can accomplish.’ She thought.
“Please sit,” Said a voice and Allie was pulled back to reality.
She nodded her head and took a sit on the three-legged chair.
“Now, why do you want to become a state alchemist?” asked the voice.
“Because, I’m looking for someone, someone very important to me, and I...promised that I would become one to this person,” Allie replied. (What person? I vaguely remember her talking to General Haruko. o.O)
“You may go.”
'That was quick.' Allie thought, but stood up and left the room, her heart pounding uncontrollably against her chest.
She found out the news that she had advanced to the next challenge later that day. She was excited, but now she had to show her skill and everyone thought she could use alchemy without a transmutation circle. What would she make? What would she do? She mainly made necklaces and rings, but that wouldn’t impress the military. No, she had to do something spectacular. She couldn’t think of anything to do though. What could she possibly make that would make her a sure win to be the one or one of the two who became a state alchemist? This was very difficult indeed. She had no idea what to make. (leik omgomgomgomg, now were goin 2 see what shes gunna make!!!!111!!!)
She followed all the four other participants outside to do the presentation part of the exam. She watched the other four guys go and then it was her turn, but to be truthful she had no idea what she had done to impress everyone so much, but boy she did. She didn’t even remember what she did. She was the one though. She was the one chosen to be a state alchemist. (...Creativity abounds, doesn't it?)She had a feeling though that Mustang didn’t like her and didn’t agree that she should be a state alchemist. (Good. Go back to the Gate you came from.)
The next day she got the watch to prove that she was a state alchemist and it would help the alchemic reaction as she had read.
“Now what do I do next?” Allie asked Mustang.
“Now you wait for instructions and missions,” Mustang replied.
“Yes sir,” Allie replied a little disappointed that she couldn’t get right on a mission. She was looking forward to find Full Metal. Would she have a special name or just be called Turner? She walked out of HQ and decided to take a walk.
“This really blows,” Allie said aloud, “I finally become a state alchemist and there are no missions right away. Damn it, now I have to wait to find Full Metal.”
Allie put her hands in her pockets and walked down an alley. She was not wearing a state alchemist uniform like everyone else at HQ, she wore a baggy pair of black jeans and a tight red shirt that rose up when she lifted her arms up (*facepalm* Skanky preteen Sue. Lovely. Hey Sue! No one wants to see those mosquito bites you have for a rack! (Okay, so technically, thirteen = teen. ) If she can ignore details completely, why can't I?). She also wore a denim jacket which was blue.
Her strawberry blonde hair was short and went down to her chin. She was hoping to get a mission soon so she could find Full Metal. It was getting dark so she decided to go back to HQ. She lay awake that night hoping and praying that there would be a mission for her the next day. She later fell asleep and her dreams were filled with her and an eleven year old boy and a taller man who was wearing armor.
She awoke the next morning with a start because First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye had woken her.
"What is it?" Allie asked.
"Lt. Colonel Mustang wants to see you, Turner," Riza replied.
"Yes ma'am." Allie waited for the Lieutenant to leave then got dressed in her normal daily clothes. She walked out of her room and went to Mustangs office. When she entered he didn't look up.
It wasn't until she was standing in front of his desk that he looked at her.
"Ok, your code name is Clover the Earth alchemist. (I wasn't aware they got a new personal name too.)Now Clover, here is your mission and all the details. You will be leaving Central to go to Youswell Coal Mine. Everything you need to know is in the mission details," Mustang explained as he tossed her a folder.
"I'll leave right away," Allie said and ran out of the office. She got some money and went to the train station. She almost missed the train to Youswell, but caught it right as it was leaving. On the train she read the mission file. She was to go there and meet Full Metal and help inspect the mines. Her eyes seemed to glow and she watched the scenery as the train went.
Finally she got there and looked around. She saw some people cheering and a short guy with blonde hair. There was also the man in a suit of armor that she had meet before.
"Full Metal Alchemist!" Allie yelled over the cheering. Some people looked at her, but paid no mind. The short blonde haired man however walked over to her.
"Yeah, you called me?" he said.
"You're Full Metal?" Allie asked confused and looked at the man in armor.
"I thought that he was Full Metal." Allie pointed at the man in armor. "But since this is the case, I didn't imagine you being so um...short," Allie said.
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT YOU WANT TO SQUASH WITH A FLYSWATER!" he yelled.
"Brother, she didn't say that," said the man in armor.
"Nevermind that, I'm suppose to help you inspect the mines," Allie said.
"Sorry, but we've already inspected the mines," said Ed.
"I was too late? Oh, that's too bad, I was really hoping to work with you. I've been waiting to see you again. I just didn't know it was you at first, but I had a feeling and it was right. You are the Edward who helped me out when those stupid bandits attacked me in the woods." She pulled out her state alchemist watch and showed it to him. "I became a state alchemist just like I promised Ed!" Allie yelled and hugged him. (Lazy, lazy, lazy, Suethor. Stop making excuses so you don't have to describe events!)