Lost: One Panic Button
My husband has no.panic.button. He was either born without one or he misplaced it at a very early age. I guess that's why he can jump out of perfectly good airplanes at 25,000 feet with a small chute, fins, and an oxygen tank. Or why he excels at his job he has now. Or why he wasn't concerned that he was never going to get married, even though he was 42 when we married. Or why he isn't worried about me moving 2000 miles away to get a PhD. It also explains why he is pulling a Coolhand Luke on me these past couple of days. Me on the other hand, I more than make up for it. I have more than enough come-aparts to make up for his apparent lack of panic.
Most of the time, I am incredibly grateful for his lack of a panic-button. Somedays it makes me feel like a complete yahoo because I am totally freaking out about things, like a cross country move when I still shouldn't be lifting anything over 10 lbs but my son weighs 32 and I have to take a 5 hour plane ride with him and oh my gosh, how do I get all the baggage checked and the carseat and still park the car in long term parking for my husband to pick up when he comes back at the end of next week and whaaaaaaaaaa, I don't get to see my husband for a couple of months, which is better than the time that I went for nearly 6 months without seeing him but still I don't know if I can go get a PhD and be a sort-of-single mom again and holy crap, what I am thinking Jon still works at USU and he still isn't over our incredibly messy breakup 4 years ago and bio-dad lives in Ogden now which is mui closer for him to hop in a car and come up and shoot me and my mom with the guns my brother sold him and I sure hope the my brother J. is smart enough to never introduce H. and L. to Lynn, either of them, because they need to be protected from them bio-dad because he is just evil and Lynn because he is just mean/cruel and will say the most hurtful things to H. but maybe not at first but he will just like he has done to every single one of us like when in his snide condenscending tone of voice that he has perfected he asked me just after Jeff and I were married "How long is this one going to last, Melynda" and Alee...Alee lives in UT and she is 14 now and OMG what if I run into her or her family or what if she wants to meet me while I am there and how am I going to be a "single" mother again and why in the crap am I doing this when things were perfectly fine as they are and can I back out now I probably can but everything is packed and the truck is coming on Friday and I still have to clean the stove and behind the washer and dryer and dang it it supposed to be stormy all weekend what if Jeff and Todd die in a some horrible accident on the way to UT which would be terribly ironic considering the risks that Jeff regularly takes at work and then I would be left a really single parent and then my ex-husband would take me to court again over custody of Matthew and...
Do you see what I mean?
Most of the time, I am incredibly grateful for his lack of a panic-button. Somedays it makes me feel like a complete yahoo because I am totally freaking out about things, like a cross country move when I still shouldn't be lifting anything over 10 lbs but my son weighs 32 and I have to take a 5 hour plane ride with him and oh my gosh, how do I get all the baggage checked and the carseat and still park the car in long term parking for my husband to pick up when he comes back at the end of next week and whaaaaaaaaaa, I don't get to see my husband for a couple of months, which is better than the time that I went for nearly 6 months without seeing him but still I don't know if I can go get a PhD and be a sort-of-single mom again and holy crap, what I am thinking Jon still works at USU and he still isn't over our incredibly messy breakup 4 years ago and bio-dad lives in Ogden now which is mui closer for him to hop in a car and come up and shoot me and my mom with the guns my brother sold him and I sure hope the my brother J. is smart enough to never introduce H. and L. to Lynn, either of them, because they need to be protected from them bio-dad because he is just evil and Lynn because he is just mean/cruel and will say the most hurtful things to H. but maybe not at first but he will just like he has done to every single one of us like when in his snide condenscending tone of voice that he has perfected he asked me just after Jeff and I were married "How long is this one going to last, Melynda" and Alee...Alee lives in UT and she is 14 now and OMG what if I run into her or her family or what if she wants to meet me while I am there and how am I going to be a "single" mother again and why in the crap am I doing this when things were perfectly fine as they are and can I back out now I probably can but everything is packed and the truck is coming on Friday and I still have to clean the stove and behind the washer and dryer and dang it it supposed to be stormy all weekend what if Jeff and Todd die in a some horrible accident on the way to UT which would be terribly ironic considering the risks that Jeff regularly takes at work and then I would be left a really single parent and then my ex-husband would take me to court again over custody of Matthew and...
Do you see what I mean?