(no subject)
5/21/04
Dear Precious,
We been friends for a little while huh? But me, I get treated differently then all your other friends. I give you a hug and you tighten up and look away like I have a disease or something. And I dislike it very much, but it’s like the more I say something to you. The less it means. Like the more I say I love you, the more you act like you don’t love me. Both of us know something’s hella wrong with our friendship, both of us want to fix it, both of us try. Our past is ruining our friendship. The last time I left you, has left you to think at any moment I will be gone. All the times we get in misconceptions and shit we cant get over, we always make a way to bring it up. And everyday we go further and further from one another. I wake up, and when I do I think of all the things I will, want, or might do that day. And everyday I tell myself that i'm going to prove to you whatever I must to be treated like your other friends. So first I thought, just maybe I am more important, but then I thought to my self, why? Why would I be better? And if I was better or closer or and advantage than why get all you negative outcomes? It cause I am not more important, i’m not better or worse than any of your other friends, i’m just like them. But something I did or said, it made you treat me differently. I have no idea what it is. So please find out and tell me, cause whatever it is I want to change it. Even if you don’t want me to tell me cause I need to know. The whole jealous thing, I hate it. I know why I am so jealous, so now I can make myself not. I am jealous only because all I have ever wanted was for you to treat me like you would treat any of your other friends. If I was just treated like that I would be less jealous. And I feel like I do so much for you. And I am stupid for expecting respect from you just for doing the best I can to help you in this life. Cause favors don’t earn respect, favors I now thing, are things I do, that I will not benefit from, just there to know that I have done. Something I have to reward myself for, and feel good for doing, just me. I am sorry that I haven’t always been there for you but I think I have been there more than most of your friends but how do I know right? And I am sorry I am not as nice to you as your other friends but like you said, there is always competition between us so whenever you say something I have to say something to be either meaner or some stupid bull shit like that and i’m going to stop doing that too.
I am sorry for loving you. I am really sorry actually. I love you too much, even though I problem don’t show it. I make it so every little thing you do means a lot more than most people interpret things from you. I cannot change, I cannot stop loving you. But I will do my best to change. I have come to realize that I was me. Confusing right? Ever since I lost a very important person in my life when I was about 7, you know Fabian. I have became a different person, I constantly hid things, I was very mad at the world for taking her from me. And I will tell you something that I have never told anyone.
When I was little, I learned a lot about god and stuff. And I thought god would be good to you if you were good to others right? So when he took Fabian from me, and I did nothing wrong, I hated him instantly. So instead of praying every night, I would write 7 reasons why I hate god. One for every year I had her. I did that till I met you precious. I swear. I felt that I could be myself again. And I would never have to change again cause you would never leave me like Fabian did.
Then one day, my mind, my body, and most of all my heart said that u left me. So I was like, who the fuck am I? So I am so done with trying to find myself. Cause if I just stay with you, I can be the real me, till the day you leave. Thank you so much for supporting me through everything.
I want us to fix things, and i’m going to make it so it does. I will dedicate my life to fixing this, Cause I have some things to do, before I die like these things. Prove to you I love you more than life. Quit lying. Keep you till the day I die. And all I want right now is you. All I want to change is we. I want to be able to say “precious and I” in a “we” or “us” if you know what I mean. This is probably a very corny letter, but I write better than I talk. I hope you understand and can relate to everything this letter says. I love you very much, and I am sorry for so much, and most of all, I thank you for so much. I will be there for you whenever I can, I will say I love you every chance I get, I will go to high school with you wither you want to be my friend. I will be there cause I want to. I will say I love you cause I do so much. I will go to high school with you friend or not, cause I wouldn’t be able to live without seeing your beautiful face everyday, and you poking my eyes when I am tired to keep my attention to you, and stepping on you new shoes for real accidentally cause of my big feet, and you making the funniest reactions to everything, and you pushing me away from you when I get to close, and you screaming at me when I say something you don’t approve off, and you yelling at me telling me, ok I will stop this is a long run on sentence. I just want you to understand how much I, I, I appreciate you. I love you precious.
p. Hoochay
P.s. Thanks for fixing up my nickname since I was a baby. I rally felt touched when you put that mush affection into one word, and better yet my name I treasure.
I thought I was done but I just can’t stop thinking, i'm sorry ma bad. I wish I knew you. I don’t know you cause you are constantly changing and shit. I am seriously hurt that you wont let me in your house and if you can please explain to me why with it’s reason. If you didn’t know already I would like you to type or write back a letter.
Dear Precious,
We been friends for a little while huh? But me, I get treated differently then all your other friends. I give you a hug and you tighten up and look away like I have a disease or something. And I dislike it very much, but it’s like the more I say something to you. The less it means. Like the more I say I love you, the more you act like you don’t love me. Both of us know something’s hella wrong with our friendship, both of us want to fix it, both of us try. Our past is ruining our friendship. The last time I left you, has left you to think at any moment I will be gone. All the times we get in misconceptions and shit we cant get over, we always make a way to bring it up. And everyday we go further and further from one another. I wake up, and when I do I think of all the things I will, want, or might do that day. And everyday I tell myself that i'm going to prove to you whatever I must to be treated like your other friends. So first I thought, just maybe I am more important, but then I thought to my self, why? Why would I be better? And if I was better or closer or and advantage than why get all you negative outcomes? It cause I am not more important, i’m not better or worse than any of your other friends, i’m just like them. But something I did or said, it made you treat me differently. I have no idea what it is. So please find out and tell me, cause whatever it is I want to change it. Even if you don’t want me to tell me cause I need to know. The whole jealous thing, I hate it. I know why I am so jealous, so now I can make myself not. I am jealous only because all I have ever wanted was for you to treat me like you would treat any of your other friends. If I was just treated like that I would be less jealous. And I feel like I do so much for you. And I am stupid for expecting respect from you just for doing the best I can to help you in this life. Cause favors don’t earn respect, favors I now thing, are things I do, that I will not benefit from, just there to know that I have done. Something I have to reward myself for, and feel good for doing, just me. I am sorry that I haven’t always been there for you but I think I have been there more than most of your friends but how do I know right? And I am sorry I am not as nice to you as your other friends but like you said, there is always competition between us so whenever you say something I have to say something to be either meaner or some stupid bull shit like that and i’m going to stop doing that too.
I am sorry for loving you. I am really sorry actually. I love you too much, even though I problem don’t show it. I make it so every little thing you do means a lot more than most people interpret things from you. I cannot change, I cannot stop loving you. But I will do my best to change. I have come to realize that I was me. Confusing right? Ever since I lost a very important person in my life when I was about 7, you know Fabian. I have became a different person, I constantly hid things, I was very mad at the world for taking her from me. And I will tell you something that I have never told anyone.
When I was little, I learned a lot about god and stuff. And I thought god would be good to you if you were good to others right? So when he took Fabian from me, and I did nothing wrong, I hated him instantly. So instead of praying every night, I would write 7 reasons why I hate god. One for every year I had her. I did that till I met you precious. I swear. I felt that I could be myself again. And I would never have to change again cause you would never leave me like Fabian did.
Then one day, my mind, my body, and most of all my heart said that u left me. So I was like, who the fuck am I? So I am so done with trying to find myself. Cause if I just stay with you, I can be the real me, till the day you leave. Thank you so much for supporting me through everything.
I want us to fix things, and i’m going to make it so it does. I will dedicate my life to fixing this, Cause I have some things to do, before I die like these things. Prove to you I love you more than life. Quit lying. Keep you till the day I die. And all I want right now is you. All I want to change is we. I want to be able to say “precious and I” in a “we” or “us” if you know what I mean. This is probably a very corny letter, but I write better than I talk. I hope you understand and can relate to everything this letter says. I love you very much, and I am sorry for so much, and most of all, I thank you for so much. I will be there for you whenever I can, I will say I love you every chance I get, I will go to high school with you wither you want to be my friend. I will be there cause I want to. I will say I love you cause I do so much. I will go to high school with you friend or not, cause I wouldn’t be able to live without seeing your beautiful face everyday, and you poking my eyes when I am tired to keep my attention to you, and stepping on you new shoes for real accidentally cause of my big feet, and you making the funniest reactions to everything, and you pushing me away from you when I get to close, and you screaming at me when I say something you don’t approve off, and you yelling at me telling me, ok I will stop this is a long run on sentence. I just want you to understand how much I, I, I appreciate you. I love you precious.
p. Hoochay
P.s. Thanks for fixing up my nickname since I was a baby. I rally felt touched when you put that mush affection into one word, and better yet my name I treasure.
I thought I was done but I just can’t stop thinking, i'm sorry ma bad. I wish I knew you. I don’t know you cause you are constantly changing and shit. I am seriously hurt that you wont let me in your house and if you can please explain to me why with it’s reason. If you didn’t know already I would like you to type or write back a letter.