[oneshot] Extra Bucks

[yakiseop]

Title: Extra Bucks.
Group: EXO.
Pairing: Luhan/Xiumin
Rating: R.
Warning: Bad English, lack of proper quotation marks.
Summary: " When Chen jokingly puts Xiumin's virginity up for sale on the internet, neither of them expect some guy in another country to pay thrice the asking price for it."
N/A: wow do I feel dumb for properly posting this



Jongdae gets bored way too often for someone so diabolic.

"What the--" Minseok is torn between laughing and commiting acts of violence. "JONGDAE!"

Satan is laughing profusely, standing at a safe distance from the desk Minseok is sitting at. Minseok could totally get up, walk over the bed, and wrestle Jongdae to death, but he's hypnotized by the monstruosity his supposed best friend has created.

"Just giving you a hand, man," Jongdae tries to feign innocence, but he's still laughing. "I know you've been trying to get some extra bucks."

Well, sure he has. Minseok has a myriad of hobbies, and all of them are costly in varying levels. However, when Minseok commented with Jongdae that he wanted some money, he meant to say that he had intentions of getting a part time job or something, not that he was okay with Jongdae selling his virginity on an online auction.

And, of course, the act by itself wasn't enough for Jongdae. It was his mission in life to maximize every kind of pain he inflicted on Minseok.

Virginal Korean beauty, the ad said. Pure white skin, almost invisible acne, plump flesh, soft curves. Brushes his teeth three times a day like a big boy. Has never been kissed OR touched. Probably thinks fellatio is some kind of pasta. The buyer has the right to initiate this boy sexually. Warning: drools in his sleep. Photos below.

"I don't drool--oh God, how I hate you," Jongdae laughs louder at that, because he knows Minseok is looking at the photos. Jongdae managed to pick the five most unflattering pictures of Minseok in the whole world - one childhood photo he particularly hated; one of him with rice spilling from his mouth; one of him with grotesque make-up on (fucking Jongdae and his fucking friends); one of him sleeping (and drooling, crap) with nothing on but a pair of beaten crayon shin-chan briefs; and one taken when he was about to say something, which obviously resulted in a tragic facial expression.

The cherry on the humiliation cake was the initial price Jongdae had put on. Two thousand won. Two thousand goddamn won.

"I want to kill you," Minseok lets his head fall to the table, face red with shame.

"Hey, Minseok. Min, don't worry," Jongdae is no longer laughing. He gets up and puts a hand on Minseok's shoulder, and Minseok hopes he'll say something like, 'I'll put it down right now'.

Instead, he says, "don't worry. I don't think anyone is gonna buy it."

Minseok promptly tackles him and wrestles him to death.

The premise itself is absurd. And pitiful, as good bad jokes always are. No one so far has volunteered to take Minseok's virginity for free; what kind of troubled soul would pay for it? Despite his own words, however, Jongdae seems to believe that there is someone who would - even though he himself had slayed, with the pictures, any traces of sensuality Minseok could possess - and refuses to put the ad down.

"What if, Minseok?" He says while checking for bids. None, as expected. "What if?"

"Then I'll be two thousand won richer," Minseok deadpans. "Wow. I'll never work again in my life."

"Don't think about the money," Jongdae shakes his head in outrage. "Think about the sex!"

Minseok tries desperately not to think about the sex.

Then Friday happens and the whole thing gets even more absurd.

Jongdae sends Minseok a message, all in caps: COME OVER. NAO.

Minseok does as told, because his gut instinct tells him that, this time, it's necessary to abandon his animal crossing game and respond to Jongdae's calling. Maybe it's the lack of jokes and funny commentary, but something about the message tells Minseok that a big thing has happened.

And, indeed, his gut instinct is trustworthy. The first thing Jongdae says when he opens the door is, "they bought you."

Minseok blinks. Once, twice, thrice. "... what?"

"Your virginity. The auction closed today. They bought you," Jongdae's expression is undecipherable.

"What?!" It's starting to sink. Minseok blinks rapidly. Its a nervous habit. "Who?!"

"Some dude. But you don't know half of it, and I have to show you, or you won't believe it," he sents a dead serious glance in Minseok's direction before rushing to his room, leaving Minseok to close the door and hastily follow, body numb with shock.

The catch is: whoever bought him paid ten thousand times the original price.

Ten thousand times.

Ten thousand fucking times!

There are so many zeroes in the screen that Minseok gets dizzy.

"I checked! I thought it was a typo or something, because what the shit, but I checked my bank account and it's all there!!" Jongdae cannot stop flailing, permanently stuck between laughing and weeping in shock. Minseok is weeping in shock. Innerly. In the outside, he's just staring at the screen and not moving. "What--I don't even know, man, there's this one single bid of twenty million won, and it's the only bid because obviously no one would fight this guy and--"

"It's a guy?!" Minseok snaps out of his immobility to wail. Jongdae nods energetically.

"I exchanged some emails with him just so I'd know this guy is not shitting us. And he's not. Here, I got it open somewhere..." Jongdae switches tabs a few times before reaching his email page and letting Minseok read it.

The first email is from Jongdae, and Minseok wants to punch him for being so professional. It starts with, Hello, you've just acquired the right to defile an unique specimen of the Korean beautiful fauna, and it goes on with details like Minseok's age, bloodtype, astrological map and hobbies. The reply is the interesting part:

Hello. It was a pleasure to close this deal with you. I live in China. I will pay for a ticket to China. Please confirm a good date.

"He lives in China. Jongdae. Jongdae," Minseok strangles Jongdae promptly. "You sold my body to a Chinese predator!"

"Read the rest, you idiot!" Jongdae protests, slightly out of breath. Minseok lets go and keeps reading.

I am twenty-two years old and work in public relations. Not to worry about where to stay: I will provide comfort for the trip. I hope to hear you from you soon. L.H.

Minseok wants to cry. "I'm gonna die."

"Man, calm down. This guy seems okay," Jongdae says nonchalantly.

"He's gonna open me up and sell my organs," Minseok carries on, not conviced one bit. "Or maybe he'll turn me into a prostitute and pimp me in parties for middle-aged men."

Jongdae creases his brows, obviously feeling sorry for him. "I'm gonna ask for pictures and such. If I smell something suspicious, I'll give you the red flag. Meanwhile," he chucks a calendar at Minseok, and it hits him on his face. "Pick a date."

No red flag is raised. Jongdae apparently milks out several pictures of the guy, as well as personal information, so he's one hundred percent sure that he's not a predator. "No predator would make it so easy for others to catch him," Jongdae explains. "Also, good news for you: he's cute."

Unfortunately for Minseok, no plead is enough to convince Jongdae to share such pictures and personal information: his lame excuse for a best friend wants him to be "surprised". Minseok hates him, considers divorce, all while picking new clothes at the mall for the rapidly approaching trip.

This guy spent so much money on me, it's the excuse he recites to himself. Might as well at least try to look good.

He buys one pair of tight-fitted jeans, one pair of dress pants, several nicely cut shirts, one pair of good sneakers. Ponders necktie, buys a bowtie just for the heck of it. Ponders lingerie, imagines himself wearing thongs, convinces himself that it doesn't match his virginal image, promptly gives up. Buys a waistcoat and dress shirt to go along with the bowtie. Minseok buys a good number of elegant, useless things, and it barely chomps away one tenth of the money. It's hard to wrap his mind around exactly how rich he is now just because a wealthy, eccentric Chinese man decided it'd be amusing to buy his buttcheeks for twenty thousand US dollars.

Minseok tries to imagine what will ensue once he arrives at China. Will his benefactor take him to an hotel room and do the deed right away? Jongdae booked him a whole week there, and Minseok faintly hopes he could do some sightseeing. He sighs. And tries not to think about the sex. Never think about the sex.

It's the D day (pun not intended). Jongdae vetoes Minseok's decision to wear his waistcoat-bowtie combo to the flight and shoves him into his new jeans and a nice t-shirt instead. He looks good, even if he finds himself not elegant enough for those clothes; they're meant for tall, slender, chic guys.

"Shut up," is what Jongdae says. "You look amazing." Minseok accepts the compliment.

Waving goodbye to Jongdae and Korea is strange. What is he doing? No, really, what in the sweet hell is he doing? He considers jumping off from the plane. Convinces himself that it would be inadvisable, settles down and panics in silence. Asks himself where has his life gone wrong.

In the first ten minutes of flight, Minseok falls asleep, and drools all over his own shoulder.

When he wakes up, the plane is already landing. It has been a spectacularly short flight. Minseok wished it would've lasted longer.

Well, it's no time for regrets, so he resignedly mops his own saliva, tries to fix himself back into a presentable state, and takes several deep breaths during the whole way to customs. He fumbles a bit with the passport, almost walks down the wrong lane. Considers running away when he sees the exit of the landing area right in front of him, he's about to officially enter China, oh God, goodbye my kidneys, our memories will never fade. He goes through the door.

And then nothing happens and he's slightly confused. He browses around for someone looking for him, maybe a small sign, hey, Kim Minseok, I'm here for your anus. The possibility makes him shudder unpleasantly. Don't think about the sex, Minseok. He's pretty sure he shouldn't just keep walking until he bumps into a wall, though, so he stops and looks around dumbly, wondering what he's supposed to do.

"Hey."

He jumps a meter in the air, almost screams. His heart attempts to break free from his ribcage, as if acknowledging its possible destiny as black market ware. The person who tapped his shoulder chuckles. It's a man.

No, it's not a man. It's a boy. It's a teenage boy, for all it's worth, because he's wearing a cap and a large, colorful t-shirt, and shorts, and hightops with impossibly thick soles. His face is childish and feminine, and a bit weird. Minseok blinks. Maybe he's his benefactor's younger brother? He opens his mouth, unsure of what to say.

"Kim Minseok?" the boy asks. His accent is funny. Minseok forces out a smile, nods.

The boy's eyes shine powerfully. Wow. What is that? He opens up an immense smile and reaches his hand out for a handshake. "Nice to meet you," he says. "I'm Lu Han."

Minseok shakes his hand, concludes that the boy is kinda cute. Prays for the genes to have graced his brother as well. "Nice to meet you," Minseok greets back, putting a little more of effort in his smile. Lu Han is gleaming. Why?

"I'm... I'm so glad I bought you," is what Lu Han says next, voice choked.

Oh.

Minseok is still in shock when he's shoved into a car. He has not moved. He has not blinked. He has not made a sound. Which doesn't matter, because Lu Han is doing a lot of talking.

"... and then my father was like, hey, you've been doing well in the business, I'm gonna give you a break, and I was like, whoa, the last time he gave me something it was for my eighteenth birthday..."

Minseok snaps out of it. "How old are you??"

Lu Han stops talking, blinks. "... twenty-two," he answers, unsure.

Minseok snorts. "You can't be."

Lu Han is comprehensibly confused at that reaction. "But I am!" he pulls out his ID. "Look!"

Indeed, he is twenty-two. Same age as Minseok. Minseok stares at his face, trying to look for any signs of age, but all he finds is teenage skin and big eyes. He even leans closer to search for any signs of a stubble or something similar, but it's useless.

"Um," Lu Han mutters.

That's when Minseok realizes he might have leaned a bit too close, and that his benefactor is now all red in the face. Mortally embarrassed, he mumbles an apology and goes back to upright sitting position, wishing for God to zap him out of existence.

"S-so," Lu Han clears his throath. "Do you want to... grab some food, or something?"

Minseok is not hungry, but he knows better than to refuse free food. Also, he needs to buy some time. "Sure," he says.

While Lu Han is getting their order at the counter, Minseok hastily googles "buttsex tips".

It is too late now not to think about the sex. He's a responsible commodity, and knows he can't disappoint the man who has sponsored his next months of rent and binge-eating, so he swallows his own panic and does the one thing he can do right now: get educated. Abuse the diner's free wi-fi to traumatize himself. Focus.

He's even less hungry than he was before when the food (and Lu Han) finally arrives, because he has just read the word "enema", but he smiles gratefully and takes a sip of his soda. Maybe that will help him to calm down.

"So... Minseok," Lu Han says the word temptatively, as if savoring each letter with much joy. This man is sexually harassing Minseok's name. This is absolutely not right. "Tell me about you."

Hm. True. Minseok hasn't said much about himself so far. He licks his lips, thinking of what to say. "I'm twenty-two... ah, you probably know that already... um..." he thinks of something else, something more intimate. "I'm studying architeture," he says.

Lu Han eyes widen and he nods, interested, but he says nothing. Oh no. Minseok has to carry on.

"I'm... uh, I like soccer," he says. "I play a lot videogames, but I'm pretty bad at most of them... um... I read comics..." God, how plain can a person be? "I'm not very interesting, as you can tell."

That makes Lu Han laugh. He chuckles brightly, and props his chin on his hand, smiling dreamily. "I think you're interesting."

Minseok shifts on his seat. "I don't really do much," Minseok tries to carry on, but he has run out of good things to say. "I like almost all genres of music. I also like pretty much all kinds of food. Ah," he remembers something. "I have the worst best friend ever."

Lu Han chuckles again. "The one who put you on sale?"

"Precisely," Minseok sends death glares to Korea. Fucking Jongdae. "What kind of detestable friend does that?"

Lu Han makes a face. It's not a bad face, it's... some sort of pout, but he looks happy. It's cute. Minseok doesn't like it.

"I'm thankful to that friend," he says.

Minseok is slapped on the face by the sheer boldness of that sentence. He eats some fries, trying to look as unattractive as possibly, as if to inject some shame and regret into Lu Han's veins.

"Lu Han sshi," Minseok says, and whoa, Lu Han's eyes glint just because Minseok said his name. He has issues, most definitely. "Why did you buy me?"

The question seems to land a good-aimed response blow right on Lu Han's stomach, and Minseok feels victorious. The Chinese man is speechless.

"It's just... I read the ad, you know," Minseok explains himself, feeling a welcome surge of confidence take over him. "I saw the pictures. That one of me with make-up on is the single most horrid picture someone has ever taken of me." Thank you, Jongdae. "And you even saw me without my shirt on. That was terrible. And with rice falling from my mouth. I mean, none of those were minimally good marketing material, you know? So..." he sighs, pouting slightly as he toyed with his fries. Reminding himself that he isn't attractive wasn't very nice, but it was necessary.

When he looks at Lu Han, expecting an answer, Minseok is a bit startled to find him pointedly looking down at his sandwich, fiddling with the border of the tray, cheeks vividly red. ... was the question really that weird?

"I, um," Lu Han speaks up, still not looking up to face Minseok. He gives his sandwich a mildly vicious poke. It stands firmly in place. "I... don't know... either?"

Minseok raises a brow, skeptic.

"I'm serious. I know those pictures were supposed to be unattractive, but," he looks up. Shit. Lu Han's eyes are apparently equiped with hypnotizing laser beams. Minseok finds himself unable to break the contact. "But... when I looked at them, I just felt like... I kept thinking, how cute, how cute, how cute. You were so cute I didn't know what to do. So I kind of, like," he made a vague gesture with his hand, leaving the blank for Minseok to fill.

"Spent fifty thousand bucks, local currency, on your virginity," Minseok does fill it. Maybe he shouldn't have, because it sends Lu Han into a half-hysterical, half-horrified laughing fit. Then again, seeing Lu Han laughing makes Minseok laugh. His face looks ugly. He wishes he could snap a pic of it. "I can't say I understand you."

Lu Han rides down his laughter, eyes a bit tearful. "Sorry," he says half-heartedly, still snickering a bit. "I'm weird."

"That I noticed," Minseok says tauntingly, taking another sip of his soda, letting his lips wrap around the straw coquettishly.

Oh no. Is he flirting with Lu Han?!

The first kiss happens at Lu Han's doorstep.

The very first thing that happens is: their front teeth bump, hard.

Minseok can't even feel the pain, though, because his brain is entirely busy with trying to process what he's supposed to do. Despite being legally an adult, all the kissing Minseok has done in the past has been strictly close-mouthed, and it most definitely didn't involve that amount of movement and wetness.

Lu Han is apparently oblivious to Minseok's confusion. He slides his lips against Minseok's, lets the tip of their tongues brush, sucks Minseok's bottom lip, hums. Angles their heads a bit better, runs a hand through Minseok's hair, pulls him closer, sighs contently. Minseok can feel and hear all of that simmultaneously, and, at the same time, nothing at all, because he's desperately trying to concentrate.

When Lu Han does break the kiss, it's just so he can whisper, eyes closed: "Tell me this was your first kiss."

Minseok blinks in disbelief. "You didn't notice?!"

Lu Han chuckles, shakes his head feverishly, and makes a show out of kissing Minseok senseless and unlocking his front door at the same time.

Minseok starts to feel dizzy after five minutes of it. Maybe it's the limited supply of oxygen. Maybe it's the way Lu Han is devouring his mouth as if it were the most delicious thing he had ever run his tongue over. It's hard to tell. It also could be the consequence of looking around to find himself inside of a honest-to-god mansion.

"I knew you were rich, but," Minseok says, a bit troubled, as Lu Han does nothing but to stare at his lips.

"Mm," the Chinese man says coherently. His mouth looks red and moist. It's... distracting. Minseok stares.

Be a responsible commodity, Minseok. Be brave, Minseok. Think about the sex, Minseok. He closes the distance between them, initiating a kiss, trying to mimic what Lu Han has done to his mouth earlier, since it had felt reasonably good. He doesn't know for sure, but he thinks that the breathy moan Lu Han lets out spells success.

"I," Lu Han says while their lips are still touching, oh, that's a bit sexy. "I have to get... um... do you wanna..." Minseok waits. Maybe kisses Lu Han's lips again, quickly. Maybe. Perhaps. "Change clothes, or..."

"Shower?" Minseok tries to fill the blank. Lu Han nods, dazed. "Sounds good."

"Great," Lu Han says, but makes no attempts at moving. Minseok waits. "Great," he says again, now detaching himself from Minseok's neck and rushing to the front door. "I'll be right back."

He all but runs outside, slamming the door closed, leaving Minseok all alone in a horrifyingly huge house he doesn't know how to navigate in. Minseok glances at his fallen luggage - a small black suitcase, which he had been carrying dutifuly until Lu Han attacked - and decides that he's a big boy, he's capable of finding supplies on his own.

It's time to whip out that "buttsex tips" instructions page again.

Minseok is taking a hot shower and nursing his post-first-enema trauma when Lu Han gets back home, all slamming doors and loud steps.

"Minseok-ah!" Minseok hears Lu Han calling in the distance, and turns the shower off. "Minseok-ah," Lu Han's voice sounds considerably closer now, possibly right in front of the door, and he's molesting Minseok's name again. How impolite. "I'm back."

"I'll be out in a minute," Minseok says, grabbing the soap with alien determination. Inside of him, his internal organs are all jamming up and down, left and right. Maybe they're celebrating the fact that none of them will be forcefully extracted tonight. Probably. The possibility still exists.

He washes himself thoroughly, not resting until his entire flesh smells of cleaness. Afterwards, he dries himself, brushes his teeth, tries to make himself more attractive by staring at his face in the mirror. Considers not putting any clothes on. Engages in a internal debate. Convinces himself that putting on clothes is part of his virginal image, finally dresses himself in the outfit he bought specially for that night - a pristine white wife-beater and plain cotton shorts that end midway down his thighs. Short as fuck. He almost feels self-conscious, but skips the feeling altogether, and evokes all remains of inner sexiness he might have.

You can do it, Minseok. Go for it, Minseok. Yes, he can do it, he's sure he can do it because, by now, he's pretty sure that even if he wasn't being so careful with looking good Lu Han would still want to jump him, because he's weird as hell. Look at the kind of thing that had seduced him, for God's sake. He thought Minseok's flaccid pecs and old childish boxers were "cute".

That thought gives Minseok the needed push. He takes a deep breath, puts his best smouldering look on, and leaves the bathroom.

The room beyond the bathroom is dark - Minseok had thought that choosing the suite had been wise, but now he reconsiders. Had he picked the wrong suite? But there was a king-size bed there, so he thought...

One of the bedside lamps goes on out of the blue. Minseok jumps. Then, he realizes that it had actually been turned on by a human being; Lu Han, who is lying on the bed.

"Minseok-ah," Lu Han whispers, and a shiver runs up Minseok's spine when he sees where Lu Han's hand is and what it's doing. The way Lu Han is looking at him - adoring, mesmerized - is making Minseok's heart race. Involuntary body responses: good. Getting through that was going to be way easier than he had thought.

When he comes back to Korea, Jongdae is waiting for him at the airport with the biggest shit-eating grin ever seen by humanity. It vanishes in the minute Minseok casually takes his scarf off.

"Holy SHIT," Jongdae curses, and Minseok has to bite back a smug grin. He puts the tips of his fingers over a bruise he can't see, but knows how to locate, and tilts his head to the side.

"What?" he asks, blinking, the portrait of innocence.

"What did he do to you?!" Jongdae is staring at his bruised neck, horrified. The bruises come in a variety of sizes, colors and locations.

Minseok snickers, raising an eyebrow. "What do you think?"

Jongdae lets out one single baffled laugh. "You--all the time?"

"All the time," Minseok affirms categorically, and this time Jongdae does actually laugh. "He paid twenty million won for me, Jongdae. You didn't really think he'd put me aside that easily...?"

"Gross! Shut up!" Jongdae says, but he's still laughing. "I am an angel. I am the ultimate sex cupid."

Minseok wants to reprimand Jongdae for saying "sex cupid" outloud in the middle of civilization, but decides against it. He's in a good mood.

"Really, I'm the best best friend you could've wished for, Minseok," Jongdae keeps talking, punctuating the sentence with a punch to Minseok's arm. "Look at the sugar daddy I got you. Really, you should thank me."

Hm. Minseok ponders for a minute, contemplates the situation. His phone buzzes in his pocket, and he smiles knowingly. Yes, maybe Jongdae is right. Maybe Minseok should thank him. Maybe. Perhaps.