Fiction: Same As It Ever Was (Same As It Ever Was) - iii

[fujiidom]

Sheldon wakes with a start for the second time in two days.

Yesterday (yesternight, in particular)’s events flicker through his drowsy mind. Before the What A Strange Dream I Had fake-out sensation even finds time to set in, he takes in his surroundings and tries to remain quiet as the panic creeps up his spine and catches his breath in his throat. Another day in another universe was no big deal.

He’d seen Inception, back before this craziness had begun. Dreaming within dreams was entirely plausible. He’d wake up for real, soon enough. For the time being, he ponders what Christopher Nolan would suggest to kill the time.

Probably reassemble as many of the cast from Memento in his next movie, making it one huge conglomeration of everyone who has ever worked with him playing alongside one another in one massive, gloomy, critically-acclaimed summer blockbuster.

Time. Sheldon’s mind reels back at why that one word has stuck with him throughout the tangent. He checks his watch and flinches. Nine in the morning was very late for him. He’d had a fairly exhausting day, mentally, followed up by a very exhausting night, physically. But, in his world, nine in the morning meant that Leonard might have left without him.

This was completely irrelevant, since not only did he no longer live with Leonard, or know what Leonard was doing at that time, wherever he’d ended up, but his watch also displays the date. Somehow he’s managed to let an entire day pass without knowing the day of the week. To say that whatever sideways dimension this world was had truly gotten to him, losing track of what day of the week was enough to sound the alarm by his normal standards, and put things in a very distinct perspective.

He stretches out one last time and shimmies out of the bed, trying to decide if the later hour would require a specific clothing choice. It was a Saturday and although the kids would be preoccupying themselves with non-school activities, he was probably supposed to be involved.

He takes a shower like he’s in a Comic-Con hotel room. Elbows in and a firm grip on the wristlet attached to the loofah.

Afterwards, he cracks open the small bathroom closet and finds a bathrobe hanging from the back of the door and two differently sized slippers organized neatly below.

He wraps the robe around his shoulders and sets off to get changed. Finding an entire walk-in closet full of screened t-shirts on mechanized hangers (like a miniature dry cleaners) is definitely one of the highlights during this long, strange weekend.

When he finally ends up downstairs, Penny is already in the kitchen. She’s scraping a pan full of caked on scrambled egg leftovers under running water and when her gaze flicks over to him, the smallest smile plays lightly on her lips.

There’s a plate sitting at what he now knows to be his place at the dinner table. Sheldon could see why another Sheldon had gotten so used to this. He could see himself getting used to it, too.

Breaking up that slightly troublesome thought, he clears his throat and gives a small smile as he moves to take his seat.

“Is there toast?”

She nods towards the left as she turns off the water and walks over to where he's sitting down. “In the oven, keeping …toasty.”

He pauses while grabbing the two slices of toast. “Bacon?”

“Already on the table.” She smirks around her words and pulls a napkin from where it was keeping the aforementioned strips warm.

“Ketchup?”

“You can get for yourself.”

Touché, his mind concedes. He slides the refrigerator door open and pulls out the small bottle, returning to the table where Penny’s now seated as well.

“So, what do you want to do today?”

Sheldon’s face took on a determined gaze as he thought about how to approach the subject at hand. “Research.”

“Oh.” Penny’s face deflates some, but she gives a small smile.

“Oh, what?”

“No, nothing. That answer was supposed to be: your wife. Or, I don't know. In my head it was. But if you have work, I get it.”

“What?” Sheldon squints back in confusion.

Penny laughs and leans over, smacking a kiss against his temple. She’s back over doing what’s left of the dishes when he finally works out her meaning. Luckily she’s changed the subject before he has to attempt to cross that tightrope.

“What kind of research? Still on multiverses or decide to go back to cosmic inflation?”

He tempers his surprise at her knowing two subjects that he’s worked on, in this life and his other, knowing that both Pennys have a far higher retention for picking up odd points in his research.

This isn’t the research he was referring to, however. “Neither. This is something they want us to do for work, to make us more personable.”

Penny shuts the water off and dries her hands. “More personable? Who cares? You’re the boss, don’t you make the rules?”

He absorbs more shocking information, fighting with every fiber of his being to make this feel like less of a poker game. Because he doesn’t know this Penny all that well, yet, but he’s sure if she’s anything like the one he knows, she’ll take him for all he’s worth.

“From the board. You know, shareholders, scientists. They want the company to be more personable.”

He came up with a brilliant idea during his shower; an easy way to try and level the playing field given his massive lack of knowledge of anything about this Sheldon’s life.

“Well, what can you do that’s research that makes you more personable? Experiment with puppies?”

Sheldon frowns and feels his face contort.

“Wait, I meant ...not that. Like, aww, look at that company running polymer tests next to that puppy. He’s got a lab coat and goggles, too. Aww.”

Almost as though it’s out of control, he feels a wave of laughter wash over him.

“Obviously not testing on the puppies, because …god, just no.” She puts a hand to her forehead and waves the other across the tabletop. “You know what I mean.”

“They’re having us write an introductory presentation on who we are.”

“Oh, that’s sweet. Do you need pictures?” Penny grabs a piece of leftover bacon and breaks it in half. She nibbles at it, slowly.

“Yes, pictures. Everything we have, I’ll have to have the best presentation out of everyone, or else I’ll lose my authority over the workers.”

“You’ll blow them out of the water, be real. That sounds fun, though, less demanding than your normal take-homes.”

“The trick is that I have to interview people in my life to tell me about myself…” Sheldon rushes out, in a quick ramble. “The kids, or you, or our friends; I can’t be the one to be talk about myself, it’s got to be you.”

Penny gives an upside-down smile, her eyebrows wrinkling. “That’s kind of odd.” Sheldon worries that she’s about to call him on his elaborately simple plan, but instead she just shrugs. “It’s really sweet, though, if you think about it. Although I’m sure it’ll be harder for someone like Kripke.”

“Why?” Sheldon answers, unsure of what she means.

“’Cause last time I heard, he doesn’t exactly have loved ones banging down his door. He can’t even get a pick-up line right, so, I don’t think you’ll have much competition there.”

“Right,” Sheldon agrees, absently.

“Well? What are the questions? Did they give you a list or something?”

Sheldon blanches, not ready. For the first time, he takes in that they’re seemingly the only two in the house, as the silence throughout echoes in his ears.

“Where are Lee and Elle?” he says, trying to change the subject and give himself some time to think up salient points to ask Penny.

“Koothrapalis! It’s Saturday!”

“Of course,” he answers, still a little unsure. That must be a routine of theirs, going off of her reaction.

“Oh, and Leonard’s going to swing by for them when we go out for dinner, so we’ll just be meeting everybody at the restaurant.”

Sheldon nods, caught off-guard by the mention of Leonard.

“So, why don’t you go write down the questions or print them out and you can interview me on my way to see Heather. You don’t have to come in, I know you hate that, but my appointment is in less than an hour and I don’t want to be late again.”

Sheldon isn’t sure what she’s referring to, but he takes this opportunity to run around the living room long enough to find a piece of paper and a pen. He scribbles out some of the most obvious questions and tries to sprinkle in the things that he’s simply curious about.

They’re in the car before he can start asking her his questions, but once he does she offers pleasant and helpful answers. The kind he could quote for a Powerpoint without any paraphrasing or additional context. It’s times like these that he realizes just how often he gives Penny too little credit.

“-and you were clearly totally uninterested but you’ve always been just polite enough to pretend you care, so you introduced yourself. Then your ex-roommate invited me over for food and I got to see just how big your brains really are. Just before you went postal about me sitting in your coveted spot on the couch and went on a long rant about exactly why it’s yours and yours alone. Then you agreed to get my TV from my ex-boyfriend even though you barely knew me and even though you didn’t get it and he pantsed you both, you actually tried. Then we went out to dinner, I saw you try and sing a Justin Timberlake song during karaoke. And the rest is history, like they say.”

Sheldon’s gaze stays steady on her throughout the entire retelling. He wants to latch onto the memory and hug it, which was odd, since he doesn’t even particularly enjoy hugs. But it sits there, stark against a wash of forgotten history, as the only thing he’s been able to share in common with this Penny. Their friendship’s origin point is still the same.

It is equally odd to hear the story from someone else’s perspective than his own, as the day in question would’ve happened far differently if you’d asked him. Even if he conceded that the general timeline was the same, the only other point of view he’s heard of that day and night is almost entirely focused on Leonard’s interaction with Penny, instead of his own. You’d barely know Leonard was involved if he hadn’t experienced it firsthand and knew that Penny was simply putting the focus on himself. She might have been doing that for interview purposes, but it still leaves him reeling.

Only for long enough to think back over her last few sentences and recall the event more clearly. “If I remember correct, I only did that on a bet and Raj had to drive me to the comic book store for the rest of the month as a result.”

Penny laughs and pulls into a parking spot. Sheldon only just realizes they must be at their destination.

“Totally worth it, if you ask me.”

Forgetting her original offer for him to stay in the car, Sheldon automatically unbuckles his seatbelt and follows her from the car. He glances at the sign above the store Penny’s entering; ETA, Inc: Leaders in Strategic Organizational Planning.

He has to do a quick double-take before walking through the door she’s held open for him. He can’t imagine why he’s resisted coming in with her in the past since this seems right up his alley. He can’t, however, figure out why Penny’s taken an interest in planning and organizing. Neither has ever been her forte in all his time knowing her.

Instead of signing in and sitting in the small lobby, she nods and smiles in greeting to the receptionist and continues back through a hallway behind him.

Sheldon continues tracing her steps and going where she goes until she turns into an office of Dr. Heather Quinn, as her small name plaque reads.

Penny walks straight into the office and crosses around the desk to hug the other woman. Sheldon stands still, in the entryway, unsure of what he’s expected to do.

“And we brought the husband back for once! What a feat!” Heather crows, as she lets her grip on Penny loosen.

Heather is older than they are. At least in her fifties, he assumes, with graying hair and laugh lines all over her forehead and jaw. She’s dressed fairly casually for an office environment, but she fits with the tone of the room's rustic, bohemian decorations. He supposes that if she has a doctorate and one of the far-back offices, in a small business as this one appears to be, she must not have people telling her how to dress.

He cautiously takes a seat in the other well-worn, red leather armchairs, next to Penny.

“He followed me in! I didn’t want to tempt fate and ask why, so here he is. I’d ask you to read him, too, but I really doubt that would go over well.”

They laugh. Sheldon’s already trying to work out what exactly is going on, here. Read him? As though he’s a book?

Before long, his questions are answered, and Heather lights a small stick of incense and Penny pulls her seat up close to Heather’s desk and lays her palm upside down across its surface.

A psychic. She’s a psychic. They drove all the way to Venice Beach for a psychic. Sheldon can’t help but roll his eyes. This entire business is a front, at least in some part, or a major exaggeration. Future Planning, he almost scoffs instinctively at the ludicrousness of it all.

When his attention returns to where Heather’s making small observations and comments about Penny’s life and heart, he notices the other woman’s eyes have been dead set on him the entire time. He looks away, unnerved by the intensity.

Twenty minutes go by and he’s considered all the ways that lighting incense in an enclosed space is both a health and safety risk, Penny and Heather seem to be wrapping things up when Penny’s phone buzzes. She glances at it for long enough to turn it off, but excuses herself to answer it-she apologizes-leaving Heather alone with Sheldon when she wanders past the doorframe and into the hallway.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Heather says, casually. Her smile is a little suspicious, but her tone’s warm.

“Yes,” Sheldon sputters, still unable to kick the feeling of unease she’s brought out in him during their entire trip here. “Likewise.” He thinks it over and considers her earlier greeting. “But we’ve met before, haven’t we?”

“No, I’ve met another Sheldon. Not you.” Heather grins, looking almost sympathetic.

“What?” Sheldon mumbles, any coherent response failing him.

“It’s okay, I won’t tell her. You don’t seem malicious, so I’m sure it’s just an accident.”

Sheldon doesn’t want to admit to anything. Even though he’s been telling himself the same thing this entire time, acknowledging it out loud, now, seems like he’ll be conceding to having lost his mind altogether. Instead he just watches Heather with a hesitant fear in his eyes.

“Are you a total stranger or do you at least know who you are? Do you know Penny?”

She takes his continued silence as agreement, he guesses, since she continues.

“Are you someone else? A friend or family member?”

Sheldon looks down, his body operating at a level that feels primitive and fear-driven, and feels as though he's given himself away.

Heather’s voice gets quieter, like a whisper. “You’re you, then? Just …another you.”

Sheldon bites his lip and meets the woman’s surprised look. She must do as she’d said to Penny earlier and read him like a book, because she gets much more than an answer from his face.

“Oh, sweetheart. Don’t be scared, it’s all right. You know Penny, you know your friends, everything’s okay. Just give it some time and you’ll be fine. These things happen.”

Sheldon blinks a few times before he realizes that he’s on the verge of tearing up.

Suddenly, they can both hear Penny returning. Her voice is still loud from her phone call as she stops to finish talking before re-entering the room.

“But, hey,” Heather adds, her tone more serious than before. It’s almost threatening, if he’s reading it correctly. “He loves her very dearly. Know that. I understand you’re probably confused and lost and upset, but don’t take that out on their relationship. Have some respect for his devotion, will you?”

He nods, swallowing a lump in his throat that he wasn’t aware had appeared.

“Sorry, again. That was work; some problem with a publisher in Seattle or something. I had to okay some numbers,” Penny interrupts. She looks back and forth between the two of them, an unreadable look crossing her face.

“That’s quite all right, Sheldon let me do a basic reading. Much more cooperative than last time!” Heather beams at Penny, who wastes no time returning the look and leaning over to kiss his head.

He joins her in standing, after, and they head out with polite goodbyes. Before they leave the office space entirely, Heather pulls him back slightly and gives him a gentle pat on the back. “There are far worse things than finding yourself in a happy, loving family, Dr. Cooper.”

“Thank you,” he says, quietly. It’s not really appropriate given her words, but she nods in return and waves at them both as he joins Penny in her SUV.

“What happened in there? You seem really shaken up. Finally starting to come around to pseudoscience, huh?” Penny asks, playfully.

“I honestly don’t know.”

A few hours pass, once they arrive back home, as Sheldon fields several other questions towards Penny, getting her detailing of when and where they had their children, and talking about the joint-venture at the very start of their relationship that explains many things in one fell swoop.

They wrote a book together, fifteen years ago, and have written quite a few since. Penny describes it as if intellectualism flipped a coin on how to and not to explain something and written as if both sides won. It doesn’t make much sense at first, but once she tells him about the context of the books, he understands better. He’s horrified, of course, as the types of books she’s talking about are the very things he’s spent years jeering with his colleagues as bathroom reading. Penny pulls out some first editions they have tucked into a separate shelf full of their own works.

It was packaged as something like Physics for Dummies, but after skimming the first few pages, he found that it read like some of his greatest published works only with a second half of each chapter retold in Penny’s terms.

It wasn’t exactly what he’d like to be world renowned for, by any means, but there’s some merit to it. And the bright text on one of the latter editions of their first book (and several others, once he takes the time to check) espousing that it was on the National Best-Seller List. It explained the house, the phone call from earlier, and once Penny goes into more detail about their success it also clarifies why he woke up in Gablehouser’s office. It was his, now.

It’s a lot to take in, that he and Penny are apparently a wildly successful writing team and he’s finally knocked Gablehouser out of his spot at the university. Even if it’s been done by besting him at his own game, there’s a small surge of pride at the thought.

Penny gets another call while Sheldon’s still picking through the books on their coffee table. She walks around, talking to Leonard about their plans for tonight having changed slightly.

When she hangs up, she lets out a sigh and seems to ready herself to have to relay everything back to him. “Howard and Bernadette can’t make it, again.”

“Oh,” Sheldon responds. “Why?”

“I don’t know, apparently he didn’t really say why just that they were swamped with the in-laws visiting or something. But that’s always been his go-to excuse whenever they just didn’t feel like doing anything. I mean, they’re the ones that had eight kids. They should’ve cooled it at two or three if they ever wanted a social life, y’know?”

“Right,” Sheldon agrees, warily.

“And Leonard’s going to need a ride.”

“I thought he was taking the kids straight to the restaurant.”

Penny sighs. “That was before Howard cancelled and he’s got something personal going on, I think.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because he wants a ride so he can drink.”

“And how does that mean that he’s got something personal going on?”

“The only time he’s smart enough to plan drinking ahead of time is when he’s depressed about a girl. Trust me, he’s got a crush and it’s not going well and he wants to drown his sorrows in some Tequila Sunrises.”

“So when are we supposed to go pick him up?”

“We can leave as soon as I get changed. He’s at the Koothrappalis now, so all we’ll have to do is swing by and split the load between our two cars.”

While Penny’s upstairs banging around and switching outfits, Sheldon gets to the fifth book they’d written, flipping through the first chapter lazily and reading Penny’s reiteration of a sonic boom.

Before he’s gotten through the chapter, Penny screams down that she’s almost ready and he should be set to leave in only a few more minutes.

Her shouting makes him jump and lose track of his page, the book flipping naturally to the opening byline and title page.

“I’m ready,” he calls back, absently. His attention turned elsewhere.

To our beautiful Elizabeth. A true marvel of science. We love you.

The dedication makes his skin feel tight and loose at the same time. He frantically grabs the other books and reads them all.

To the new man of the house, Lee. Welcome to the family, handsome.
To our friends and family for keeping us sane and somehow still in each others’ arms. Five years later.
To our friends for encouraging us make this work. To the universe for acquiescing.

There are several others that continue in the same vein before Sheldon goes back to the first book he was given, where it sits off to the side from the others. He flips open the book, slowly pulling the pages back to the front when they jump forward to where he’d left off earlier.

The date of copyright and publishing jumps out at him first. 2016. Much closer to the years he knows and misses so dearly. He turns the page.

To Sheldon, my best friend¹.
To Penny, my worst enemy².

He looks downward at the footnotes.

¹ not sarcasm, ² sarcasm

Had it started then, he wonders? Or before? After? Such a simple thing, two lines of text among the dozens he’s just read, but it suddenly throws his entire world (both of them) askew. He can’t tell if that back and forth, their infamous back and forth, is what led them to get together or a separate entity altogether. Although this isn’t his own timeline, he wonders how long it would take him to consider their bickering to have an ulterior motive for either one of them.

He shakes with the chill of the knowledge that he’s already considered the fact that his part in their arguments already might give way to mean more and he’s not sure what that means about anything, but it’s enough to make him close the book and run a hand across his face.

Was he already in love with her in the years leading up to their getting together? Was she in love with him? Why was this not as shocking and unrealistic as it should be?

Because that dedication could have been written before or after they entered a relationship; he can’t deny it, it’s true and it’s obvious and it’s enough to make him take a few deep breaths of air.

Before he manages to get himself under control, Penny walks down the stairs in a short black cocktail dress. It’s very casual and demure, but the way his body reacts to it and the way he can’t stop thinking about how much of that’s instinctual and how much is genuine interest, he feels ridiculously underdressed.

“Should I change, too?” he asks, throat dry.

Penny gives him an odd look. “If you want, I guess? It’s just Geoffrey’s, though.”

Sheldon can’t help from sputtering out a barely coherent reply to explain himself. “You look very nice and I - you look much nicer - I just have on - I should.”

Penny wiggles around, back and forth, and crosses the room until she’s standing in front of him. “You like this dress, don’t you?”

“Yes.” Sheldon declares this as fact.

He’s never considered her (or any woman at all, really) as genuinely alluring until this second. But whether it was book dedications making him unsure of his current motivations towards Penny or just some baser urge that’s waited a very long time to unleash itself, he cannot pretend to not be attracted to her. It doesn’t seem physically possible to deny it.

If he’s being totally honest with himself, he can tell his body wants nothing more than sex at this point. He has no idea how that would work, outside the basic logistics of it all, but he licks his lips and resigns himself to the fact that the time has come for him to relinquish claim over being a superior human being.

“Do you think the guys would mind if we’re a little late?” Penny whispers down at him.

The air in the room takes on a sluggish feel, like he’s been trapped in a sauna with his clothes on. As embarrassing as it is to admit to himself, someone else looking at him just now would probably compare his posture and physicality to a panting dog. His mouth is open slightly and he can hear his breath coming out in short bursts.

He wants to stop it, to kick this and shake off the feeling of being slowly lobotomized and put in a sweat box, but then Penny leans down and connects their mouths.

It’s like a glass of cold water, even though it really only makes things feel hotter, and Sheldon opens his mouth for more.

Something inside him lets out a groan and his body instinctively loses some of his normal posture, sending them slightly backwards against the couch cushion. Penny takes that motion as a sign to crawl up further into his lap and reach for the zipper of his pants.

He has to commit to the decision now, he knows, since the purported sex is right around the corner. Before he can consider the pros and cons all that much, Penny slips a hand down his pants and his mind goes fully blank. Well, fully blank besides the mental image of what her actions must look like and his body’s fluttering thoughts on what he wants to happen next. Both of which send him into another series of groans and hitched breaths.

He can do no more than blink and shift around to get a slightly better angle for the situation before Penny’s taken total control of his nervous system and connected their bodies fully. He can’t tell how long the thrusting and small screams last - a minute, an hour - but when his mind finally comes back to him, Penny’s catching her breath and readjusting her dress from where she’s back to standing above him.

“Remind me to wear this every night this week, okay?” she says, jokingly serious.

“Okay,” he answers. He can tell she probably didn’t mean that, given how unhygienic that would be, but his ability to form words doesn’t really warrant a thought-out response.

They make the car ride to the Koothrappalis’ house in silence but for the radio. Sheldon still a little shaken up that he’s just lost his virginity to someone he’s supposed to have already had children with. It hurt to think about too much, but he can’t help himself. At least his mother would’ve been proud that he’s waited for marriage.

When they get there, Raj and who Sheldon supposes must be his wife Breanna share a look and roll their eyes. Penny follows their gaze and blushes, wiping a smudge of light pink lipstick from his right cheek.

Leonard and Callie file in to the backseat of their car. Penny glances back and lets out a huff. “So our children would rather ride with your parents than us, huh, Callie?”

Sheldon watches Raj pull back out of his blacktop driveway in a dark green roadster convertible. “Well, I think we know why.”

“Oh, god, he agreed to let them take the Jaguar. I should've known.”

Sheldon has to push aside a small part of himself that wants to get the two small children out of the car, considering how unsafe it looked, especially with the roof down. But Penny was letting it happen without much protest, so he didn’t want to set off any alarms that he might be overreacting. Still, he hopes that Raj won’t be putting the car’s horsepower to any use.

Penny’s gaze flicks to the rearview mirror and Sheldon sees her eyes narrow. “Are not, you jerk.”

Unsure of what brought out this outburst, Sheldon then hears Leonard and Callie erupt into a fit of giggles from the back seat. “Sorry, Aunt Penny,” Callie says between laughs.

Leonard signs something quick enough that Sheldon can only make out the words straight line, million, and dollars. “Leonard, you need to stop talking before I show you my fist in a straight line.”

“What is going on?” Sheldon asks, lost.

“He’s back there telling Callie that Lee and Elle are better off with her parents.”

Sheldon frowns at Leonard.

“And that Aunt Penny couldn’t drive in a straight line if he paid her a million dollars,” Callie adds.

“Et tu, Calliope, et tu?” Leonard holds his chest as though he’s staunching a wound. “Whatever, Sheldon can back me up; Penny’s notorious for driving around like a maniac.”

“She hasn’t driven like that in years,” Sheldon clarifies, sternly. He does quickly glance back to check for the engine light before nodding at his assessment.

Unfortunately the look was not missed by Penny or Leonard and while Penny pounds her fist into Sheldon’s left arm, Leonard tells Callie about Penny’s history with poor car maintenance.

When they get to the restaurant they take seats at what appears to be their regular table, judging by the staff’s greeting and the preparedness of the table settings.

Before they've finished eating, Leonard’s on his second glass of wine and the main source of conversation on their end of the table. “So, do I say something or do I just leave it be? She’s old, okay. I’m not like some creep hitting on an undergrad. She’s thirty-five.”

“What was she doing beginning a pursuit of a doctorate at thirty-three? What took her so long?” Sheldon asks, frankly curious.

Penny whacks him gently aside the back of his head and the entire table (including where the kids were mid-conversation) lets out a short burst of laughter. “I think it’s great that she’s pursuing her dreams, no matter how old she is. Everyone goes at their own pace.”

Raj nods and catches Breanna’s attention. You didn’t start grad school until twenty-eight, right?, he signs.

Twenty-nine, actually. Fuck you, Cooper. Breanna signs back. He’s never put his knowledge of sign language to much practical use, but the fuck you comes across particularly clear. How much longer are you her advisor?, she asks Leonard.

“I’m supposed to switch to colleague if she gets the position she’s applied for in the Neurology Department, but I don’t know.”

“Is she hot?” Penny asks, bluntly. Leonard chokes on his sip of wine.

“W-wh-what? I don’t know-she’s-” he sputters out in response.

She’s hot, Penny signs looking at Breanna knowingly. The other woman raises her eyebrows in amused agreement. “Ask if she’s like to grab food sometime. If she thinks you’re nice but not her type, she’ll steer it towards a coffee date or lunch after class. If she starts talking about what kinds of food she’d eat as dinner in a restaurant, tell her you know just the place, and she’s game for potential dating.”

“How could you possibly-” Leonard starts.

“Listen to the woman,” Raj interjects, heatedly, setting his beer down roughly on the table. “How do you think I landed this prize? Oh, we both like space and smooth jazz, let’s get married would’ve been my opener without Penny’s sage guidance.”

Thanks for that, Breanna says to Penny as they both let out a little amused laughter at Raj’s admission.

“So I just ask her out for food? What if she says no, altogether?” Leonard’s face takes on that kicked puppy expression that was practically tattooed on him for most of the time Sheldon can recall living with him.

“Well, then she’s just not good enough to hang out with this group of people anyway. No skin off my teeth,” Penny says simply with a shrug.

“She won’t say no,” Sheldon adds, matter-of-factly. “You’re her advising professor, correct?”

“Correct.”

“So that means you more or less employ her, currently, as she assists in your teaching physics to younger students while observing and cataloguing what you do and how best to apply that to her thesis and future career.”

“Yeah, Sheldon. But what does that have to do with-” Leonard begins, but Sheldon holds up a hand and continues.

“She’ll feel obligated to accept in one of the two ways. She’ll opt for the one she feels less uncomfortable with. If she likes you then that would be the one that’s not during the day time with less time to prepare. If she doesn’t, it would be the one that asks for the least commitment and potential for conversations veering towards something she doesn’t want to talk about. Namely the two of you dating.”

“Thanks, Sheldon,” Leonard answers, heavy on the sarcasm.

“He’s right,” Raj says shortly, taking a sip from his bottle while pointing one finger in Leonard’s direction.

“Whatever, it’s worth a shot. I really like her. She’s really rude, but smart, and kind of mean to me, but she’s so funny and --” he trails off to notice everyone at the table staring back at him, expressions ranging from amused to incredulous. “Shut up.”

“You have such a type, Leonard. It’s embarrassing.” Penny laughs and pops a leftover piece of bread into her mouth.

“Studies have shown that men seek out women who remind them subconsciously of their mothers, so that certainly holds true for Leonard,” Sheldon explains.

“I was always surprised that he never tried to hit on you, for that reason, Sheldon.” Raj winks at both of them and Sheldon’s eyebrow quirks at the thought.

“Leonard is nothing like my mother,” he says, seriously.

The table erupts in another round of laughter.

When they head home, back in their respective cars, Leonard is smushed between their children on their way to his place just outside the university (still in Pasadena, but a different complex).

They watch him wander up the stairs and unlock the door, wave back at them quickly, and walk up. By this point, both Lee and Elle have either drifted asleep or are close to it, Sheldon sees from his view in the passenger side’s rearview.

“I’m glad you never hesitated,” Penny says quietly, so as not to wake the potentially sleeping children.

“What?”

“When you kissed me, that first time, you just did it. You kissed me smack on the lips and didn’t look back. Probably why things never worked with Leonard and I, you know. I like the shy bumbling thing, but I love the unyielding confidence. I mean, depends on the guy, but if that matches up along with it, then we’re good to go.”

“And we were good to go?”

“At first I thought you’d lost your mind, which albeit for you is nothing new, but I really thought you’d gone off the deep end.”

“And?”

“And you convinced me to give it a try. To see how long you could keep up the charade, if this was just a temporary lapse in judgment.”

“How long did it last?” Sheldon asks, rapt.

Penny’s left eye squeezes shut as she looks to work out the proper way to answer. “I don’t know, something like fifteen years, eleven months, couple of days, few hours, and counting?”

She smiles over at him pointedly looking at his seatbelt and around the car. Only then does Sheldon realize that the car’s stopped in their driveway.

“Sorry,” he says, unable to hide a small smile. “Lost track of time.”

Penny laughs hard and quiet at that, her eyes squeeze shut with amusement.

He gets up and opens the back door, pulling Elle up over his arm and cradles her as best he can, while he watches Penny do the same with Lee through the inside of the car. Sheldon is sure she’s a little heavier than Lee, given their height difference, but it’s not nearly as difficult to pull her from the seat and walk across the front yard as it was to lift Lee the other night.

He’s getting used to it, he realizes. Not quite as unnerving as it should be, but he still worries what that might mean, for better or worse. But the thought’s driven from his mind almost as soon as it enters, as he and Penny try not to burst into laughter at her ongoing failed attempts at balancing Lee and opening the front door.

After the fifth time, without almost dropping him as on the second through third, they both filter off of the moonlit front porch. Sheldon shuts the door behind them with a swift kick of his foot.

part one / part two / part three
PARTS FOUR THROUGH SIX WILL BE UP SOME DAY.