[ Silent, but deadly... ]
One of the worst movies of 2005 was on TNT tonight. Some thoughts:
[ S T E A L T H ]
SO LIKE, IN THE NEAR FUTURE THERE IS THIS ELITE FORCE OF HOTSHOT SUPERSMARTJET PILOTS WHO FIGHT TERRORISTS. THEY ARE VERY AWESOME AND ELITE!!!
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: ALRIGHT TEAM IT IS GO TIME
LOVE INTREST: MISSLES AND STUFF
OSCAR AWARD WINNER JAMIE FOX: WOO
*** EXPLOSIONS AND SWEET MOTIONS BLURS EVERYWHERE ***
BUZZCUT ELITE TEAM COMMANDER: HAHA JUST A TRAINING EXERCISE BUT EVEN SO THAT WAS STILL VERY EXTREME COME BACK TO BASE YOU HOTSHOT AWESOME PIOLTS JESUS I CANNOT GET OVER HOW ELITE YOU ARE
*** THEY LAND ***
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: SUP CHIEF
BUZZCUT ELITE TEAM COMMANDER: DOODS YOU ARE GETTING A NEW WINGMAN
OSCAR AWARD WINNER JAMIE FOX: FUCK THAT NOISE CHEIF WE WORK ALONE ETC ETC ETC
BUZZCUT ELITE TEAM COMMANDER: YEAH WHATEVER YOU OUT AND PARTY AND THEN REPORT TO THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER FOR WHATEVER REASON
*** THEY PARTY ELITELY ***
LOVE INTREST: I SMILE SMUGLY WHILE THE MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON HOOKS UP WITH STUPID GIRLS
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: WOO I AM UNTAMEABLE
*** MEANTWHILE ***
MYSTERIOUS WINDOW GUY: MUAH HA HA
BUZZCUT ELITE TEAM COMMANDER: OH HO HO HO
*** AIRCRAFT CARRIER! ***
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: SO WHO'S THIS NEW WINGMAN I HOPE IT IS NOT A ROBOT PLANE
ROBOT PLANE: SUP
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: ...
BUZZCUT ELITE TEAM COMMANDER: K DUDES TIME FOR MORE TRAINING MISSI - OH WAIT EVERY TERRORIST EVER IS MEETING IN THIS ONE BUILDING
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: WELL WE BETTER BLOW THEM UP
*** AWSOME PLANES GO REALLY FAST ***
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: OK ROBOT PLANE I AM THE MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON SO DON'T FUCK WITH ME
OSCAR AWARD WINNER JAMIE FOX: YEAH YOU TELL HIM - OH THERE IS THAT BUILDING
LOVE INTEREST: THIS AMAZING COMPUTER TELLS ME THAT THIS BUILDING CANNOT BE KILLED BY OUR BOMBS WITHOUT KILLING EVERYONE AROUND
ROBOT PLANE DUDES JUST FLY STRAINGT DOWN REALLY FAST AND DROP THE BOMB SERIOUSLY I CAN DO IT
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: FUCK YOU ROBOT PLANE I AM DOING IT
*** HE DOES IT ***
LOVE INTEREST: AMAZING THAT HUGE DOWNTOWN SKYSCRAPER BUILDING WAS UNNOCUPIED EXCEPT FOR TERRORISTS! ZERO CIVILANS KILLED!!!!
BUZZCUT ELITE TEAM COMMANDER: FUCK ME YOU GUYS ARE SO ELITE I AM FREAKING OUT!!! OK COME BACK NOW AND GO ON VACATION
*** LIGHTNING HITS THE ROBOT PLANE! ***
ROBOT PLANE: LIGHTINGING DOSEN'T MAKE ME EVIL
*** TEAM AWESOME GOES ON VACATION AND THERE IS SOME CLUSMY CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT THAT YOU DON;T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT. FOR EXAMPLE: ***
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: DUDE JAMIE FOX IT TURNS OUT THAT I AM TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH THE LOVE INTEREST
*** SEE I TOLD YOU. SO ANYWAY: ***
BUZZCUT ELITE TEAM COMMANDER: MY ELITE BITCHES, THE TERRORIST ARE AT IT AGAIN WITH NUKES YOU MUST GO TO TERRORSTAN AND KILL THEM SWEETLY
*** AWESOME PLANES GO REALLY FAST AND ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD IN SECONDS ***
LOVE INTEREST: IF WE BLOW UP THOSE NUKES IT WILL BLOW RADIOACTIVE SHIT ALL OVER EVERYONE!
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: K LETS GO HOME THEN - OH WAIT ROBOT PLANE STOP
ROBOT PLANE: WHATEVER
*** ROBOT PLANE KILLS THE NUKES AND THER EIS RADIOACTIVE SHIT EVERYWHERE ***
OSCAR AWARD WINNER JAMIE FOX: I AM GOING TO KILL YOU ROBOT PLANE
*** YEAH I WONDER WHAT HAPPENS NEXT ***
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: I MISS JAMIE FOX ;_;
LOVE INTEREST: DUDE MY AWESOME PLANE IS FUCKED, LATER
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: LATER. OKAY I AM COMING FOR YOU ROBOT PLANE
*** LOVE INTEREST HAS TO BAIL OUT OVER NORTH KOREA
***
LOVE INTEREST: OH HERRO LITTLE NORTH KOREAN GIRL
LITTLE NORTH KOREAN GIRL: *SCREAMS*
LOVE INTEREST: I AM SORRY I DON'T SPEAK NORTH KOREAN
*** MEANWHILE! ***
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: OH MAN RUSSIANS EVERYWHERE
ROBOT PLANE: WE MUST TEAM UP AND FIGHT LIKE BROTHERS TO DEFEAT THESE DUDES DUDE, HERE I WILL PLAY SOME SWEET MP3'S TO MAKE IT ALL THE MORE AWESOME
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: DUDE MY PLANE IS FUCKED AND SO ARE YOU
BUZZCUT ELITE TEAM COMMANDER: YOU MUST GO TO ALASKA SINCE YOU CAN FLY ANYWHERE ON ONE TANK OF GAS PRETTY MUCH
*** MEANWHILE IN KOREA ***
VINDICTIVE NORTH KOREAN SNIPER: DIE YOU ELITE TERRORIST FIGHTING PILOT *blam*
LOVE INTEREST: OW SHIT I AM GETTING FILTHY AND COVERED IN TINY SCRATCHES
***MEANWHILE IN ALASKA***
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: ARGH CRASH LANDING
DOCTOR GUY: DUDE YOU NEED THIS SHOT LET ME GIVE YOU THIS SHOT
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: NO
DOCTOR GUY: LET ME GIVE YOU THIS SHOT I AM A DOCTOR
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: NO KNOCK IT OFF
DOCCTOR GUY, APPARENTLY NOW EVIL DOCTOR GUY: I POKE YOU WITH THIS NEEDLE AND YOU DIEE OH SHIT I AM OVERPOWERED AND NOW POISONED BY MY OWN NEEDLE
*** OK SO I WENT TO THE BATHROOM AT THIS POINT AND MISSED SOME SWEET EXPLOSIONS AND THE MAVERIC LOOSE CANNON ESCAPING INSIDE ROBOT PLANE ***
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: WELL TIME TO GO TO NORTH KOREA, ROBOT PLANE. OH AND LETS CALL THE NAVY AND TELL THEM THAT BUZZCUT ELITE COMMANDER IS ACTAULLY A BADGUY
ROBOT PLANE: SURE WHATEVER
*** SUDDENLY IN NORTH KOREA THERE ARE LIKE A MILLION EXPLOSIONS AND THEN THE MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON SAVES EVERYONE FOREVER AND THE ROBOT PLANE KILLS ITSELF OF SAVE EVERYONE WHO WAS NOT PREVIOUSLY SAVED BUT OSCAR WINNER JAMIE FOX BECASUE HE IS DEAD GODDAMNIT THE END***
AUDIENCE: THERE WAS NO GODDAMNED STEALTH IN THIS MOVIE
If anyone needs me, I'll be in my room, crying myself to sleep over my enormous disappointment in American cinematography.
hey there, blimpyboy,
-a.
ps : this awesomesauce review was brought to you in part by my homeboy andy, visit him @ atomictoy.org
[ S T E A L T H ]
SO LIKE, IN THE NEAR FUTURE THERE IS THIS ELITE FORCE OF HOTSHOT SUPERSMARTJET PILOTS WHO FIGHT TERRORISTS. THEY ARE VERY AWESOME AND ELITE!!!
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: ALRIGHT TEAM IT IS GO TIME
LOVE INTREST: MISSLES AND STUFF
OSCAR AWARD WINNER JAMIE FOX: WOO
*** EXPLOSIONS AND SWEET MOTIONS BLURS EVERYWHERE ***
BUZZCUT ELITE TEAM COMMANDER: HAHA JUST A TRAINING EXERCISE BUT EVEN SO THAT WAS STILL VERY EXTREME COME BACK TO BASE YOU HOTSHOT AWESOME PIOLTS JESUS I CANNOT GET OVER HOW ELITE YOU ARE
*** THEY LAND ***
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: SUP CHIEF
BUZZCUT ELITE TEAM COMMANDER: DOODS YOU ARE GETTING A NEW WINGMAN
OSCAR AWARD WINNER JAMIE FOX: FUCK THAT NOISE CHEIF WE WORK ALONE ETC ETC ETC
BUZZCUT ELITE TEAM COMMANDER: YEAH WHATEVER YOU OUT AND PARTY AND THEN REPORT TO THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER FOR WHATEVER REASON
*** THEY PARTY ELITELY ***
LOVE INTREST: I SMILE SMUGLY WHILE THE MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON HOOKS UP WITH STUPID GIRLS
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: WOO I AM UNTAMEABLE
*** MEANTWHILE ***
MYSTERIOUS WINDOW GUY: MUAH HA HA
BUZZCUT ELITE TEAM COMMANDER: OH HO HO HO
*** AIRCRAFT CARRIER! ***
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: SO WHO'S THIS NEW WINGMAN I HOPE IT IS NOT A ROBOT PLANE
ROBOT PLANE: SUP
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: ...
BUZZCUT ELITE TEAM COMMANDER: K DUDES TIME FOR MORE TRAINING MISSI - OH WAIT EVERY TERRORIST EVER IS MEETING IN THIS ONE BUILDING
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: WELL WE BETTER BLOW THEM UP
*** AWSOME PLANES GO REALLY FAST ***
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: OK ROBOT PLANE I AM THE MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON SO DON'T FUCK WITH ME
OSCAR AWARD WINNER JAMIE FOX: YEAH YOU TELL HIM - OH THERE IS THAT BUILDING
LOVE INTEREST: THIS AMAZING COMPUTER TELLS ME THAT THIS BUILDING CANNOT BE KILLED BY OUR BOMBS WITHOUT KILLING EVERYONE AROUND
ROBOT PLANE DUDES JUST FLY STRAINGT DOWN REALLY FAST AND DROP THE BOMB SERIOUSLY I CAN DO IT
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: FUCK YOU ROBOT PLANE I AM DOING IT
*** HE DOES IT ***
LOVE INTEREST: AMAZING THAT HUGE DOWNTOWN SKYSCRAPER BUILDING WAS UNNOCUPIED EXCEPT FOR TERRORISTS! ZERO CIVILANS KILLED!!!!
BUZZCUT ELITE TEAM COMMANDER: FUCK ME YOU GUYS ARE SO ELITE I AM FREAKING OUT!!! OK COME BACK NOW AND GO ON VACATION
*** LIGHTNING HITS THE ROBOT PLANE! ***
ROBOT PLANE: LIGHTINGING DOSEN'T MAKE ME EVIL
*** TEAM AWESOME GOES ON VACATION AND THERE IS SOME CLUSMY CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT THAT YOU DON;T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT. FOR EXAMPLE: ***
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: DUDE JAMIE FOX IT TURNS OUT THAT I AM TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH THE LOVE INTEREST
*** SEE I TOLD YOU. SO ANYWAY: ***
BUZZCUT ELITE TEAM COMMANDER: MY ELITE BITCHES, THE TERRORIST ARE AT IT AGAIN WITH NUKES YOU MUST GO TO TERRORSTAN AND KILL THEM SWEETLY
*** AWESOME PLANES GO REALLY FAST AND ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD IN SECONDS ***
LOVE INTEREST: IF WE BLOW UP THOSE NUKES IT WILL BLOW RADIOACTIVE SHIT ALL OVER EVERYONE!
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: K LETS GO HOME THEN - OH WAIT ROBOT PLANE STOP
ROBOT PLANE: WHATEVER
*** ROBOT PLANE KILLS THE NUKES AND THER EIS RADIOACTIVE SHIT EVERYWHERE ***
OSCAR AWARD WINNER JAMIE FOX: I AM GOING TO KILL YOU ROBOT PLANE
*** YEAH I WONDER WHAT HAPPENS NEXT ***
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: I MISS JAMIE FOX ;_;
LOVE INTEREST: DUDE MY AWESOME PLANE IS FUCKED, LATER
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: LATER. OKAY I AM COMING FOR YOU ROBOT PLANE
*** LOVE INTEREST HAS TO BAIL OUT OVER NORTH KOREA
***
LOVE INTEREST: OH HERRO LITTLE NORTH KOREAN GIRL
LITTLE NORTH KOREAN GIRL: *SCREAMS*
LOVE INTEREST: I AM SORRY I DON'T SPEAK NORTH KOREAN
*** MEANWHILE! ***
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: OH MAN RUSSIANS EVERYWHERE
ROBOT PLANE: WE MUST TEAM UP AND FIGHT LIKE BROTHERS TO DEFEAT THESE DUDES DUDE, HERE I WILL PLAY SOME SWEET MP3'S TO MAKE IT ALL THE MORE AWESOME
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: DUDE MY PLANE IS FUCKED AND SO ARE YOU
BUZZCUT ELITE TEAM COMMANDER: YOU MUST GO TO ALASKA SINCE YOU CAN FLY ANYWHERE ON ONE TANK OF GAS PRETTY MUCH
*** MEANWHILE IN KOREA ***
VINDICTIVE NORTH KOREAN SNIPER: DIE YOU ELITE TERRORIST FIGHTING PILOT *blam*
LOVE INTEREST: OW SHIT I AM GETTING FILTHY AND COVERED IN TINY SCRATCHES
***MEANWHILE IN ALASKA***
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: ARGH CRASH LANDING
DOCTOR GUY: DUDE YOU NEED THIS SHOT LET ME GIVE YOU THIS SHOT
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: NO
DOCTOR GUY: LET ME GIVE YOU THIS SHOT I AM A DOCTOR
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: NO KNOCK IT OFF
DOCCTOR GUY, APPARENTLY NOW EVIL DOCTOR GUY: I POKE YOU WITH THIS NEEDLE AND YOU DIEE OH SHIT I AM OVERPOWERED AND NOW POISONED BY MY OWN NEEDLE
*** OK SO I WENT TO THE BATHROOM AT THIS POINT AND MISSED SOME SWEET EXPLOSIONS AND THE MAVERIC LOOSE CANNON ESCAPING INSIDE ROBOT PLANE ***
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: WELL TIME TO GO TO NORTH KOREA, ROBOT PLANE. OH AND LETS CALL THE NAVY AND TELL THEM THAT BUZZCUT ELITE COMMANDER IS ACTAULLY A BADGUY
ROBOT PLANE: SURE WHATEVER
*** SUDDENLY IN NORTH KOREA THERE ARE LIKE A MILLION EXPLOSIONS AND THEN THE MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON SAVES EVERYONE FOREVER AND THE ROBOT PLANE KILLS ITSELF OF SAVE EVERYONE WHO WAS NOT PREVIOUSLY SAVED BUT OSCAR WINNER JAMIE FOX BECASUE HE IS DEAD GODDAMNIT THE END***
AUDIENCE: THERE WAS NO GODDAMNED STEALTH IN THIS MOVIE
If anyone needs me, I'll be in my room, crying myself to sleep over my enormous disappointment in American cinematography.
hey there, blimpyboy,
-a.
ps : this awesomesauce review was brought to you in part by my homeboy andy, visit him @ atomictoy.org