Do You Ever Wonder How We Survive? [Alex/Sean, NC-17]
We started drowning, not like we'd sink any further...
Sean’s on his way outside to train when the Professor calls him into his study. He enters the room cautiously, half-expecting to find the Professor on the floor, hands grappling the carpet. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s had to help the Professor get back into his chair. Just the thought alone is enough to spark his anger; a sharp twinge of heat curling in his stomach. Fortunately, the Professor is sitting calmly in his chair behind his desk. He smiles softly at Sean.
“I’m afraid I’ve been rather idle,” the Professor says gently, a note of unnecessary guilt tainting his words. He raises a hand to stop Sean from protesting and trying to absolve him. Dutifully, Sean closes his mouth and listens. “And for that reason, I’ve decided to begin recruiting again. I’ve asked Hank to accompany me. I’m sure you can understand why.”
Sean nods. He understands perfectly. Hank needs this. He needs to meet more mutants who will readily accept him, regardless of his thick blue coat and feline features. For some reason it just hasn’t sunk into his head yet that none of them care if he’s blue, green or all the colours of the rainbow. His tactic of burying his head in the sand is only a temporary solution. It makes Sean sad to think that Hank can barely live with himself. He misses the enthusiastic young scientist who used to try and sneak as much of his theories and inventions into conversation as he possibly could. He can’t remember the last time Hank spoke an entire sentence, let alone looked him in the eyes.
“While we’re gone, I was wondering if you would keep an eye on Alex,” the Professor continues, coming around the side of the desk.
“’Course I will,” Sean replies because he would have kept an eye on Alex whether the Professor asked him to or not. He spends half his time these days keeping an eye on everyone because he’s afraid that if he looks away they’ll all fall apart. It’s slightly irrational because he knows they are a lot stronger than he gives them credit for but in the passing weeks he’s become fiercely protective of his remaining family. He can’t seem to shut if off anymore.
The Professor touches his hand, the only part of Sean he can reach, briefly. A flood of gratitude and sadness infiltrates Sean’s emotions, and he smiles shakily as the Professor makes his way out of the room. When the door shuts he lets his shoulders sag and grips the edge of the desk with his hands for support. He feels so much older now than he did just a few weeks ago. It’s hard to believe that he’s the same person who used to stroll lazily through life, a grin always plastered to his face. He barely smiles anymore.
*
The Professor and a rather reluctant Hank leave the same afternoon. Sean watches them go from one of the ground floor windows as they disappear through the gates. Something thick collects in his throat, and he tries to swallow it down and ignore it. It’s not as easy as it should be to convince himself that they will be back in a few days. Their family has been torn apart one time too many. They can’t afford to lose anyone else.
He busies himself with odd jobs to stop the anxiety forcing its way to the surface. He dusts the library over, careful to put the chess pieces back in their places when he dusts the table. They’ve been in the same never-ending game since Moira interrupted Erik and the Professor to show them the news.
When he’s finished he throws open the windows, hoping to dispel the remaining dust. The fresh air spills into the musty room, the thick drapery billowing in the wind. Sean puts the polish and dusters back in the small cupboard next to the kitchen, shoving the door closed with his shoulder. His stomach grumbles as goes to clean the kitchen. After a second of hesitation, he decides to make sandwiches. It’s closing in on four o’clock but he can’t remember the last time he ate. More importantly, he can’t remember the last time he saw Alex eat.
When he’s finished making the food, he goes in search of Alex. Naturally he finds him in the bunker, staring stonily at a mannequin at the far end. He approaches cautiously, careful not to startle his friend, looking between Alex and the mannequin. Alex doesn’t take his eyes away from the mannequin though, even as Sean comes to stand next to him.
“Food,” Sean says softly, holding Alex’s wrist in one hand and his palm in the other. He tugs coaxingly, repeating the word and finally Alex turns to look at him, eyes wide and confused, like he’s just broken out of a trance. Sean tries to smile reassuringly and pulls his arm again. This time Alex comes willingly.
They eat outside, sitting on the lawn and watching the sky. Sean doesn’t try to make Alex talk. He knows better than that. Instead he watches the sun as it makes its slow descent and wonders what Hank and the Professor are doing. He hopes that Hank is alright, a little less ashamed of his appearance and that the Professor doesn’t project onto him when they sleep. As far as he knows, the Professor only ever projects onto Sean’s dreams during the night. He would hate to have the Professor’s secrets and weaknesses exposed to someone else too. Even if it is Hank.
“Sometimes I pretend that they’re her,” Alex blurts out suddenly, breaking the silence. Sean glances over at him, momentarily confused but Alex is glaring at the sandwich in his hands, pointedly ignoring Sean’s stare. After a silence that stretches on for centuries, he clarifies, “Raven, sometimes I. Sometimes I pretend the mannequins are her”.
This time, the silence stretches longer. Suddenly, Sean doesn’t feel hungry anymore. He looks at the sandwich in his hands and his stomach churns nauseatingly. Sighing, he throws the remainder of his food onto the lawn for the birds to peck at. He rarely finishes his meals anymore, and he is painfully aware of how thin he’s become but eating has become a chore he finds difficult to manage.
“Do you think that makes me a bad person?” Alex asks quietly. This time he’s looking at Sean, eyes pleading in a way that they never usually are. Sean can almost see the cracks in his stony façade. It always catches him off guard when he gets to glimpse at the raw softness beneath Alex’s hard exterior. He forgets sometimes that Alex isn’t as tough as he likes everybody to think he is.
Sean shakes his head earnestly, knocking his shoulder against Alex’s reassuringly. “No, I just think it makes you angry”.
They both are.
*
Surprisingly, Alex spends the next two days helping Sean with his daily chores. His presence is comforting and quiet as he follows Sean, doing what he’s told without a word. It makes Sean realise just how lonely he was, walking through the too big mansion without anyone just being there.
He misses having Moira around, with her encouraging smiles and genuine concern. She used to sit with him and listen to his anger, her delicate hand placed tenderly on his trembling shoulder. In the morning she would help him clean the echoing, empty rooms and in the evening she would teach him how to cook basic meals and help him feed the rest of his family. But she had to return to the real world eventually, and even if they trusted her to keep their secrets they couldn’t run the risk of anyone knowing their location, anyone finding them.
He still remembers the look on her face, her eyes dull and her expression blank as she stepped out of the Professor’s office. She had headed straight to her car, deaf to Sean’s calls and slipped away through the gates and into the distance. She hadn’t even looked back. His heart still sinks in his chest when he thinks about her.
Sometimes, when they work, fixing broken chairs and washing floors, Alex will confide in him. His voice will burst out into the silence like a quiet confession, and Sean will listen eagerly. Maybe it’s Alex’s way of reaching out. Sean thinks it’s his way of getting over everything, and its true because every time Alex mentions his hurt, his sense of betrayal, his face will clear of trouble for a second before he realises that he’s supposed to be angry and frustrated, and a frown will form across his lips again. Despite that, Sean notices the tension slowly slipping away from his muscles and sometimes catches Alex caught up in a moment of serenity and starts to envy him. Alex is moving on, but Sean isn’t.
*
On the third day alone in the mansion, Sean senses the Professor’s presence in his head. He keeps his mind carefully blank and waits. It’s been an unsuccessful trip I’m afraid, Sean. Hank and I will be returning tomorrow afternoon. He doesn’t enquire how Sean is feeling, and Sean doesn’t tell. The Professor doesn’t need to have another thing to worry about, he shouldn’t have to.
He feels the warmth of the Professor’s mind leave his head as he makes his way up to the roof. He made sure Alex was training in the bunker before he went to grab his suit, knowing that Alex won’t miss him if he’s training. Part of him is still reluctant to leave, as the cool air hits his face. What if Alex surfaces from the bunker, wanting to talk and Sean isn’t there? He knows how unsettling it is not having anyone to talk to, knows how many nights Alex sat silently bottling things up in his prison cell, and even though the feeling is irrational he still feels guilty for leaving. Even if it is for half an hour.
Taking a deep breath, he jumps from the roof, deciding to make this training session short. He can practise longer when the Professor and Hank return. Alex won’t be completely alone then. He flies just above the trees surrounding the perimeter of the mansion, looking down at the woodland below him. The wind blows his hair away from his face, stings at his eyes but something uncurls in his stomach and it hits him that he hasn’t felt this free in forever. Soaring through the air he lets out a small laugh, giddy with the excitement of flying. It never gets old for him. He’s practicing a few somersaults mid air, ducking and diving with half a smile on his face when he notices a woman below him, stumbling through the undergrowth.
It’s when he recognises the woman that his sense of freedom gets carried away with the billowing wind. Sadness wells in his stomach and at the back of his eyes as he soars downwards. How did she end up in the mansion’s grounds? More importantly how did she remember where it is? His emotions and panicked thoughts make him misjudge his landing and he ends up four feet away from the woman, engulfed by a bush. Jumping up quickly, he surveys himself for damage with a casual interest. It’s not like he hasn’t hit the ground awkwardly before. Luckily his wings are unscathed, but his suit is torn around his limbs. His arms and legs are speckled with tiny cuts and scratches from where the twigs and branches snagged his clothing.
“Moira?” he says uncertainly, as the brunette stares at him.
A broad smile bursts across her face, and more importantly recognition flares in her eyes. She steps towards Sean eagerly; her footing more sure than it had been a minute ago as she moves closer to him. But for every step she takes, Sean staggers back two more. He feels anger, a furious flare of rage as she starts to falter, confusion clouding her face. “Sean, what’s wrong?”
Everything, he thinks. Fingers clenching into tight fists, he closes his eyes and takes in a deep breath. Trying to get his emotions in check just seems to be a losing battle so he sighs, and says, “Raven.”
When he opens his eyes again, Raven is standing in front of him, blue and completely unashamed of her nakedness. In any other circumstances Sean would blush at the sight of her pert breasts, but he doesn’t have the emotional capacity to feel embarrassed or flustered at the moment. So he just stares at her.
“How did you know?” Raven asks curiously, head tilted to the side so that her flame red hair brushes one scaled shoulder. To Sean, she still looks like the same lost and misguided girl he met in a windowless room in the CIA facility.
Because Moira would walk past me in the street. She doesn’t recognise me anymore, he doesn’t say, because everything that happened after Cuba has nothing to do with Raven now. She chose her path and burnt too many bridges to be afforded the luxury. She doesn’t deserve to know. Face schooled into an indifferent expression, he shrugs, hoping she gets the message that he doesn’t intend to communicate with her. Whatever affection he has left to her as a surrogate sister is irrelevant now.
She seems to realise this, giving a short nod of understanding. Something red flickers in the thicket and Sean catches a glimpse of the fork-tailed demon from the CIA facility and the beach in Cuba. The one he saw killing innocent men, just because he could. It’s hard to believe someone like Raven could affiliate with people like him. It makes Sean feels sick.
“How’s Charles?” she asks, getting straight to the point. Her face clouds up with worry, turbulent anxiety flickering in her eyes, and Sean can practically feel the tension thrumming off her body. He doesn’t care though. His nails dig into the palms of his hands, drawing blood. She has no right to stand there all genuine concern and sincerity when she willingly left her brother bleeding onto the sand. She wasn’t there when he writhed in pain, or when he projected his fear, his sadness when he realised he couldn’t move his legs. She wasn’t there to help pick up the pieces, or put them back in the right places again.
“It’s none of your fucking business,” he growls, wondering if the animalistic hunger for retribution rising in his chest is the same thing Hank has to battle with every day. He hadn’t even realised how angry he was, how betrayed he felt until Raven came sauntering through the woods like nothing had changed.
Raven doesn’t flinch at his anger. If anything, it makes her stand straighter, more defiant. She folds her arms calmly and watches him. “He’s my brother Sean,” she says coolly. “I have a right to know”.
He opens his mouth to retort that she has the right to know fuck all when he hears the Professor in his head. Sean, he says warningly and a feeling of calm gently creeps up his spine, quelling his anger. Tell her. I know you don’t want to hurt her, Sean. Tell her.
“Fine,” he says out loud, all resignation and exasperation. Raven looks knowingly at him, her hand half raised unconsciously as if the Professor’s presence is something tangible she can touch. She shudders as his mind drifts away, like she can feel him leaving her and Sean almost pities her.
“The Professor, Charles,” Sean starts torn between feeling numb and utterly broken, “he can’t… There were…complications.” He tries to steady his voice, but it breaks and quivers. There’s no way he’ll be able to fly back to the mansion with his utter lack of control. “He can’t…he can’t walk, Raven. He’s…he’s paralysed”.
He glances up at her then, witnesses the crushing despair. She gasps, shakes her head in denial. Her fingers grips the trunk of the tree next to her tightly, like she can barely hold herself upright anymore, and her yellow eyes fill with bright tears that threaten to overflow. Her graceful, feline composure is utterly ruined as she sags against the tree, shoulders slumped inwards as if she’s bracing for impact.
Half of Sean wants to comfort her, and the other half wants to rip her to pieces. It’s the first time Sean has ever said it out loud, and the truth of it hits him harder than he thought it would. After all, he was there sitting in the waiting room, begging for information when the Professor was rushed into surgery. He was there when the doctors finally, begrudgingly gave them the news (only because Moira had flashed her credentials) and he and Moira both had to stop Alex from head-butting the doctor in the face. Raven’s not the only one who is hurting.
“No,” she whispers into the bark shakily, head shaking again. “Please no…Erik…Erik will be devastated”.
Any sympathy Sean has for her dies when he hears her mention his name. She may be able to blindly overlook the truth but Sean can’t. He remembers what Erik did, turning the missiles mid-air ready to commit mass murder like it was something he did everyday. He may not have pulled the trigger but he wedged the bullet in the Professor’s spine. And then he walked away.
“Fuck Erik!” he shouts, gesticulating wildly. “Erik did this!”
He leaves her weeping in the forest as the red mutant slinks to her side. He doesn’t look back when they disappear in a cloud of red smoke. Neither does he acknowledge the image of her fragile weeping in the back of his mind. He’ll have to purge himself of the thought before the Professor ever has a chance to see it.
*
When he gets back to the mansion it looks exactly the same as it did when he left, like the world hasn’t flipped over completely. It’s dark inside, cold without the heat of the fire to warm it. Alex must still be training, Sean realises, as he heads towards the bunker. Usually he would leave Alex to his own devices but not tonight. For once he needs comfort and reassurance that not everything in the world completely sucks.
The metal door to the bunker is locked from the inside when he reaches it. The small light positioned above the door glows red in warning but Sean ignores it. He pounds his fists against the door, releasing some of his pent up frustration until Alex opens the door, looking both confused and pissed. “What the hell?”
“I just…” Sean starts but trails off, the words dying on his tongue. He doesn’t know what it is he wants. Raven’s face flashes in his mind her eyes just as sad as his own. Shaking his head, curls bouncing rebelliously, he glances at Alex wild-eyed.
Alex curls two warm, dry hands around Sean’s forearms to steady him, hold him in place. The fresh cuts on his exposed skin sting at the contact but he doesn’t flinch, barely registering the pain through his turmoil. The heat of Alex’s fingertips scorches his skin.
“Sean, what’s happened?” Alex asks urgently, shaking him slightly as if the answers will just fall out. His thumbs start to rub distractingly across Sean’s arms, removing the tension from his muscles.
“Raven,” he says quietly. “She was here”.
The expression on Alex’s face is carefully blank, but his grip on Sean tightens, and the plate of his suit glows red and sparks. He lets out a low growl of anger. Sean’s half afraid that Alex will lose control and completely obliterate him, but the plasma beam doesn’t emerge from the plate. Instead it fades slowly, ebbing back into Alex’s chest as he takes a deep breath to calm himself. He looks as drained as Sean feels. And everything just crumbles.
In a moment of poor judgement and lack of control, Sean grabs the sides of Alex’s face and says pleadingly, “Fuck me”.
Startled, Alex looks at him with suspicion and disbelief etched across his features. His thumbs stop moving on Sean’s and he shakes his head, starts to pull away. “Sean…”
“Please,” Sean begs unashamed, “Please, just fuck me”.
It’s a terrible idea. Sean knows. It won’t solve anything, won’t help in the long run but he’s tired and lonely and so fed up of having to take care of everyone else that all he wants is for Alex to pull him to pieces and put him back again. For once he doesn’t want to be in control. He just wants to feel like a teenager again. He wants to be reckless.
“Okay,” Alex says slowly, still looking unsure. “Okay”.
They fuck against the cold wall of the bunker with Sean’s legs wrapped vice-like around Alex’s waist. Their suits are bunched around their thighs, trapped in their haste. Sean’s exposed skin is covered in goose bumps, except for where Alex grips his hips, hard enough to bruise, tugging them with every upward thrust. Alex buries his head in Sean’s neck, inhaling deeply and biting sharply. All Sean can do is gasp and cling desperately to Alex, blunt nails clawing his back.
It’s not gentle or tender, and it’s over quickly. They disentangle, Alex putting Sean down cautiously. As he pulls the sleeves of his suit back on, fingers trembling, Sean feels calmer than he thought he would after encountering Raven in the woods, more relaxed in his own skin. Alex watches him wordlessly, catching his breath as he leans against the wall. Muttering a quick ‘thanks’, Sean leaves the bunker on shaky legs in search of a shower.
They don’t talk about it again.
I don't even know. I think I might have drowned in my own angstiness. Apologies for my ridiculous and brief mention of sex. I fail at it! No more updates for a few weeks as I'm on holiday but I might write another sequel when I'm back...That is all.
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