To you with all of my everything
This has been the hardest week of my life thus far. Grandma went into the hospital with a traumatic brain injury. In and out of a coma leaving us unsure of her survival. Then I find out I am graduating two days early. That damn bitch teacher ruined everything my loved ones had plans for it but they went by the way side because of grandma and the date being changed.
Then there is him...was him....what do I say? Do I love him, oh god. With all my heart. Do I wish he had handled things better with the whole hospital situation? You bet your ass. The decision tore me apart and I dont know if I can put myself back together. Especially with my parents so god damn happy about it. I know they were hurt and angry about his lack of comforting skills and behavior at the hospital but they shouldnt be so damn smug. Thing about the rest of it for gods sake! Dont think for a min that I need their approval cuz god knows I do alot of things my parents do not approve of but I like to have their blessings.
I dont know what to say. So I guess I will just write him a letter and hope that he some how gets nosy enough to find it.
L.
I am hurting right now so please bear with me. It wasn't an easy decision to make. I am actually regretting it right now. I am not sure if its because I didn't think it through, don't have all the facts or am just remorseful because of the pain. I truly tried to be the best girlfriend for you while still being myself. By being myself. True and honest completely. Yet there are still some things I couldn't bring myself to share with you that may have furthered our relationship and therein changing the circumstances on Sunday. First and foremost I do love you. No not in love we hadnt gotten there yet. However love is most surely a word I would use.
Yet still there are some things I wish had changed. For one, I wish that you would have held my hand in public, held me, kissed me. I felt as if you were ashamed of me. Ashamed that you were dating someone younger than you. I felt like your little sister when we went out sometimes and it became a festering sore deep inside. I was never ashamed of you, so what if you had long hair and baggy clothes and were older I didnt care about that. You are a good man and if people judged you superficially then screw them.
For two, it has only been recently that I have felt a glimmer of passion from you. I needed it, craved it but didn't know how to say anything because I didn't want to put pressure on you. I was waiting to see what happened. Then all of a sudden the past couple weekends its been different. Then I notice these flirty comments from some chick in NC with a wink and a nudge included. I didn't like it, those comments made me feel like maybe someone else was doing it for you you just used me as a fill in for her. Maybe I am wrong, in fact I am sure that I am. And it may seem completely ridiculous but you wouldn't change your facebook status to in a relationship this right here furthered one and twos emotional quake. I felt like you didn't want people to know you were with me. The fact that you wouldn't take a picture with me just made that feeling of shame get reinforced. The little things added up.
I also felt completely out of sorts that I had to tell you what I needed to hear from you. My lord, I needed you to tell me I am beautiful and that you care for me. I feel as if you thought I would get the gist of it. That doesn't exactly work, I need to hear it otherwise I will think I am reading too much into things. You dont talk to me much, I dont get to hear stories of your life and experiences or how you feel about all different things. I dont even know your favorite color. Your favorite food. Your favorite all time movie. None of it.
It hurt when I asked you what you liked about me and you replied with I dunno. I dunno......I dunno...........You have known me for a year and a half. You dont know what it is about me that draws me to you? When you dont respond with a respectable answer my mind automatically goes to....."sex". Because that is my experience. I have been oversexualized my whole life so when a man can not articulate what he likes about me I automatically think that its just sex. I am a sex toy. A living breathing blow up doll.
However much we hate it, deny it, our pasts truly do rule our way of thinking. Am I wrong?
I dont know what else to say right now, but that I really wanted something with you. Maybe even a future but I dont know what you want out of me. My god I how I just want to be everything for you. Everything you need and everything you want. I just dont know what that is.
I never felt needed by you.
You didnt contact me much. That made it worse. The thinking I was a blow up doll.
Ugh. I need to stop writing right now, I cant even see the screen.
Then there is him...was him....what do I say? Do I love him, oh god. With all my heart. Do I wish he had handled things better with the whole hospital situation? You bet your ass. The decision tore me apart and I dont know if I can put myself back together. Especially with my parents so god damn happy about it. I know they were hurt and angry about his lack of comforting skills and behavior at the hospital but they shouldnt be so damn smug. Thing about the rest of it for gods sake! Dont think for a min that I need their approval cuz god knows I do alot of things my parents do not approve of but I like to have their blessings.
I dont know what to say. So I guess I will just write him a letter and hope that he some how gets nosy enough to find it.
L.
I am hurting right now so please bear with me. It wasn't an easy decision to make. I am actually regretting it right now. I am not sure if its because I didn't think it through, don't have all the facts or am just remorseful because of the pain. I truly tried to be the best girlfriend for you while still being myself. By being myself. True and honest completely. Yet there are still some things I couldn't bring myself to share with you that may have furthered our relationship and therein changing the circumstances on Sunday. First and foremost I do love you. No not in love we hadnt gotten there yet. However love is most surely a word I would use.
Yet still there are some things I wish had changed. For one, I wish that you would have held my hand in public, held me, kissed me. I felt as if you were ashamed of me. Ashamed that you were dating someone younger than you. I felt like your little sister when we went out sometimes and it became a festering sore deep inside. I was never ashamed of you, so what if you had long hair and baggy clothes and were older I didnt care about that. You are a good man and if people judged you superficially then screw them.
For two, it has only been recently that I have felt a glimmer of passion from you. I needed it, craved it but didn't know how to say anything because I didn't want to put pressure on you. I was waiting to see what happened. Then all of a sudden the past couple weekends its been different. Then I notice these flirty comments from some chick in NC with a wink and a nudge included. I didn't like it, those comments made me feel like maybe someone else was doing it for you you just used me as a fill in for her. Maybe I am wrong, in fact I am sure that I am. And it may seem completely ridiculous but you wouldn't change your facebook status to in a relationship this right here furthered one and twos emotional quake. I felt like you didn't want people to know you were with me. The fact that you wouldn't take a picture with me just made that feeling of shame get reinforced. The little things added up.
I also felt completely out of sorts that I had to tell you what I needed to hear from you. My lord, I needed you to tell me I am beautiful and that you care for me. I feel as if you thought I would get the gist of it. That doesn't exactly work, I need to hear it otherwise I will think I am reading too much into things. You dont talk to me much, I dont get to hear stories of your life and experiences or how you feel about all different things. I dont even know your favorite color. Your favorite food. Your favorite all time movie. None of it.
It hurt when I asked you what you liked about me and you replied with I dunno. I dunno......I dunno...........You have known me for a year and a half. You dont know what it is about me that draws me to you? When you dont respond with a respectable answer my mind automatically goes to....."sex". Because that is my experience. I have been oversexualized my whole life so when a man can not articulate what he likes about me I automatically think that its just sex. I am a sex toy. A living breathing blow up doll.
However much we hate it, deny it, our pasts truly do rule our way of thinking. Am I wrong?
I dont know what else to say right now, but that I really wanted something with you. Maybe even a future but I dont know what you want out of me. My god I how I just want to be everything for you. Everything you need and everything you want. I just dont know what that is.
I never felt needed by you.
You didnt contact me much. That made it worse. The thinking I was a blow up doll.
Ugh. I need to stop writing right now, I cant even see the screen.