its funny how fast shit can change
so its been a while, but stuff was shaky, and I didn't know what to say....
Holly and i have been having nothing but issues since my last post, and its sucking hard. I'm totally in love, and that's why I'm giving up on her for now. Its actually very convoluted, and I'm not sure I can make it sensible, but here goes:
Flashback to our first date... we're at the Toad, and she says something about 'intentions.' "Speaking of intentions," I say, and then kiss her, "I've been intending to do that for most of the night." First kiss out of the way. We leave, and make out on the street while 'trying' to catch a cab.
After that, there was about 3 weeks of seeing each other all the time, making out, and the occasional weirdness caused by her not wanting to be in a relationship. It got really messy when I pointed out to her that based on the time we'd shared together, and the focus of it, she actually WAS in a relationship already, and that she should chill because it seemed to be going well.
This seemed reasonable, I thought. She should be over her fear, right? Oops. Critical error in judgment on my part. She's scared of getting attached to someone who could disappear, she's scared of opening up to people, she's scared of honesty, she's scared of being vulnerable.
Over the last month or so, she's been working on phasing me out of her day-to-day altogether. I haven't seen her in 2 weeks now, and last time I did, we had a huge fight in which she ordered me out of her car, and I told her she could call the cops to get rid of me if she wanted me out that bad.
The next day, we had a talk over msn, and it seemed like everything was sorted out. Basically, what I offered was to wait for her. Because I'm crazy about her, and even though this series of unfortunate events has hurt me more than almost any other, I'm willing to suffer through it. I told her I'd stop pushing for her to commit to an actual relationship, and that we'd simply not act on our feelings for each other. For all anyone knew, we'd just be friends, because that's what we'd act like regardless of whether or not anyone was looking.
It seemed ideal to me. But I missed something. And I think I might have it now. The problem for her isn't just that I want her to be official. The real problem is that she wants me too. She's been avoiding seeing me for the dual purpose of dulling our feelings for each other and to prevent herself from doing something relationship-like. Whenever I have seen her, aside from that fight, we've ended up making out for extended periods of time,cuddling and holding hands... things like that.
Its hard to accept that this is about anything other than 'does she like me or not.' I have no experience with this sort of situation, and I'm learning how to deal with it as I go. Seriously, run if you ever meet one of these. Its too late for me now, I've completely lost my mind. But I do have a plan.
The plan is as follows:
Step 1: I'm not talking to her today... or at least I hope I can avoid it. I work at the Zoo tonight by myself, which is when we usually end up arguing and hanging up on each other throughout the night. In fact, the most difficult times I've had with her have been tuesday nights... actually that's an interesting story in and of itself. I'm going to digress a moment to tell it...
*******************************************************************************
OFF TOPIC STORY TELLING
*******************************************************************************
stepping back a couple of tuesdays, its my second day of bartending class. Holly works downtown, a reasonable walk from where I'm taking my classes, so I try and get her to agree to meet me after she gets off work. No dice, she says. We get out of class early, so me and one of the guys from the class go to her restaurant for lunch. She's not pleased. She doesn't say much about it, but she's really not pleased. I couldn't bring myself to start a conversation about how I still want to see her that afternoon with the dude there, so I get down to osborne and call her cell from a payphone. No, she says, she's not going to see me, in fact, she'd be a lot happier if we could just *be friends.* I'm crushed, I kick, scream, fight, beg, everything I can think of to get her to agree to see me, and eventually it works somehow. The next hour or two are spent at memorial park, going back and forth between our silly observational conversations which please the hell out of me and me trying to change her mind about whether or not she can handle a relationship, which depresses the hell out of me. During the high points of this, we observed a little old lady in a babushka stealing dirt from planters in the park, and theorizing the reasons that she was there, and why she needed to steal dirt. It sounds retarded, but somehow, I don't remember the context, or the timeline of the argument. Just our little old lady, and the knowledge that we were creating a memory that wasn't going to go away for us. It was perfect and it was traumatizing. I think that was the day I actually realized I was in love with her. And when I got up to go to work, I knew it was over with.
I walked to work with tears in my eyes, and passed a number of my regular customers... it was embarassing and belittling, and strangely humanizing...
On the phone all night, we fought, and discussed, and debated, and at one point, I got caught up in my emotions, and hung up on her... the first thing I saw was a pallet of empty beer bottles, and I let them have it once, as hard as I could, which apparently is pretty damned hard. There was a lot of broken glass, and a surprisingly small amount of blood. My hand, however had stopped working, and I was convinced it was broken. Broken turned out to be bruised, and my hand worked well the next day. In the meantime, Holly came to the vendor, and we spent most of the remaining couple of hours just kinda staring at each other. She left around 2:15 and got us coffee, and then at 2:30, I left work and got in the car with her.
We went to the park, and somehow ended up making out a bit and cuddling, and there was hand holding, and all sorts of things going on. It was so confusing, and its all a bit of a blur now. I just remember how I felt: that everything was going to be ok. That this was the catalyst, the drama we needed to share... that we both came to accept that we wanted each other badly.
And yet....
*********************************************************************************
story's over
*********************************************************************************
step 1 continued:
She's probably expecting me to call her today. I haven't talked to her since yesterday morning, and I imagine she's somewhat surprised about it. The longer I can hold off on calling her, the more her guard is likely to be down when I do. And when I do:
Step 2:
Offer her friendship. Without the waiting attached. Just pure and simple friendship effective immediately. Is this a trick? Well, sort of. Its become clear to me that this battle is a long-term one, and she's just going to cut me off completely if she knows I have any intention of fighting it any longer. I do have a secret weapon, though. I know what victory looks like. It comes in the day that she realizes she trusts me fully. The day that she comes to terms with the fact that she's been vulnerable, and been open, been honest, shared herself. This is the point where she realizes she doesn't have anything to fear from me. If I'm lucky, and anyone who knows me well enough to read this knows I'm not, she and I will still have feelings for each other.
Quite the plan, I know. Its not very intricate, but its what I've been able to come up with. I can't get away with anything more, and I can't bear anything less. It had better work. I'm getting some mean carpal tunnel going just now, so I think I'm done for a while...
You know, I'd like to think that the irregularity of my posts is made up for in sheer content, but somehow I don't know
Holly and i have been having nothing but issues since my last post, and its sucking hard. I'm totally in love, and that's why I'm giving up on her for now. Its actually very convoluted, and I'm not sure I can make it sensible, but here goes:
Flashback to our first date... we're at the Toad, and she says something about 'intentions.' "Speaking of intentions," I say, and then kiss her, "I've been intending to do that for most of the night." First kiss out of the way. We leave, and make out on the street while 'trying' to catch a cab.
After that, there was about 3 weeks of seeing each other all the time, making out, and the occasional weirdness caused by her not wanting to be in a relationship. It got really messy when I pointed out to her that based on the time we'd shared together, and the focus of it, she actually WAS in a relationship already, and that she should chill because it seemed to be going well.
This seemed reasonable, I thought. She should be over her fear, right? Oops. Critical error in judgment on my part. She's scared of getting attached to someone who could disappear, she's scared of opening up to people, she's scared of honesty, she's scared of being vulnerable.
Over the last month or so, she's been working on phasing me out of her day-to-day altogether. I haven't seen her in 2 weeks now, and last time I did, we had a huge fight in which she ordered me out of her car, and I told her she could call the cops to get rid of me if she wanted me out that bad.
The next day, we had a talk over msn, and it seemed like everything was sorted out. Basically, what I offered was to wait for her. Because I'm crazy about her, and even though this series of unfortunate events has hurt me more than almost any other, I'm willing to suffer through it. I told her I'd stop pushing for her to commit to an actual relationship, and that we'd simply not act on our feelings for each other. For all anyone knew, we'd just be friends, because that's what we'd act like regardless of whether or not anyone was looking.
It seemed ideal to me. But I missed something. And I think I might have it now. The problem for her isn't just that I want her to be official. The real problem is that she wants me too. She's been avoiding seeing me for the dual purpose of dulling our feelings for each other and to prevent herself from doing something relationship-like. Whenever I have seen her, aside from that fight, we've ended up making out for extended periods of time,cuddling and holding hands... things like that.
Its hard to accept that this is about anything other than 'does she like me or not.' I have no experience with this sort of situation, and I'm learning how to deal with it as I go. Seriously, run if you ever meet one of these. Its too late for me now, I've completely lost my mind. But I do have a plan.
The plan is as follows:
Step 1: I'm not talking to her today... or at least I hope I can avoid it. I work at the Zoo tonight by myself, which is when we usually end up arguing and hanging up on each other throughout the night. In fact, the most difficult times I've had with her have been tuesday nights... actually that's an interesting story in and of itself. I'm going to digress a moment to tell it...
*******************************************************************************
OFF TOPIC STORY TELLING
*******************************************************************************
stepping back a couple of tuesdays, its my second day of bartending class. Holly works downtown, a reasonable walk from where I'm taking my classes, so I try and get her to agree to meet me after she gets off work. No dice, she says. We get out of class early, so me and one of the guys from the class go to her restaurant for lunch. She's not pleased. She doesn't say much about it, but she's really not pleased. I couldn't bring myself to start a conversation about how I still want to see her that afternoon with the dude there, so I get down to osborne and call her cell from a payphone. No, she says, she's not going to see me, in fact, she'd be a lot happier if we could just *be friends.* I'm crushed, I kick, scream, fight, beg, everything I can think of to get her to agree to see me, and eventually it works somehow. The next hour or two are spent at memorial park, going back and forth between our silly observational conversations which please the hell out of me and me trying to change her mind about whether or not she can handle a relationship, which depresses the hell out of me. During the high points of this, we observed a little old lady in a babushka stealing dirt from planters in the park, and theorizing the reasons that she was there, and why she needed to steal dirt. It sounds retarded, but somehow, I don't remember the context, or the timeline of the argument. Just our little old lady, and the knowledge that we were creating a memory that wasn't going to go away for us. It was perfect and it was traumatizing. I think that was the day I actually realized I was in love with her. And when I got up to go to work, I knew it was over with.
I walked to work with tears in my eyes, and passed a number of my regular customers... it was embarassing and belittling, and strangely humanizing...
On the phone all night, we fought, and discussed, and debated, and at one point, I got caught up in my emotions, and hung up on her... the first thing I saw was a pallet of empty beer bottles, and I let them have it once, as hard as I could, which apparently is pretty damned hard. There was a lot of broken glass, and a surprisingly small amount of blood. My hand, however had stopped working, and I was convinced it was broken. Broken turned out to be bruised, and my hand worked well the next day. In the meantime, Holly came to the vendor, and we spent most of the remaining couple of hours just kinda staring at each other. She left around 2:15 and got us coffee, and then at 2:30, I left work and got in the car with her.
We went to the park, and somehow ended up making out a bit and cuddling, and there was hand holding, and all sorts of things going on. It was so confusing, and its all a bit of a blur now. I just remember how I felt: that everything was going to be ok. That this was the catalyst, the drama we needed to share... that we both came to accept that we wanted each other badly.
And yet....
*********************************************************************************
story's over
*********************************************************************************
step 1 continued:
She's probably expecting me to call her today. I haven't talked to her since yesterday morning, and I imagine she's somewhat surprised about it. The longer I can hold off on calling her, the more her guard is likely to be down when I do. And when I do:
Step 2:
Offer her friendship. Without the waiting attached. Just pure and simple friendship effective immediately. Is this a trick? Well, sort of. Its become clear to me that this battle is a long-term one, and she's just going to cut me off completely if she knows I have any intention of fighting it any longer. I do have a secret weapon, though. I know what victory looks like. It comes in the day that she realizes she trusts me fully. The day that she comes to terms with the fact that she's been vulnerable, and been open, been honest, shared herself. This is the point where she realizes she doesn't have anything to fear from me. If I'm lucky, and anyone who knows me well enough to read this knows I'm not, she and I will still have feelings for each other.
Quite the plan, I know. Its not very intricate, but its what I've been able to come up with. I can't get away with anything more, and I can't bear anything less. It had better work. I'm getting some mean carpal tunnel going just now, so I think I'm done for a while...
You know, I'd like to think that the irregularity of my posts is made up for in sheer content, but somehow I don't know