(no subject)
i can see that moment when she's shouting into the phone in anger, hate, and spite, i can play it back to myself, in my head like it just happened, i don't think i could forget if i tried my absolute hardest, and i've got a few good ideas in how to stop thinking about it, and then when she slams the phone down the world shatters and i can feel it tear into me and all i can think about is that we can never be past this. it's been well over a month and things have changed and we've changed in ways that can't be explained only felt and i feel hers all too acutely and i can't feel his at all. and i don't know if i could describe how unchanged i feel. and i'm scared for him, and i feel like i shouldn't be excited about leaving because they'll tear each apart if i'm not there to intervene, but god help me i can't wait to escape her and all the anger and the all consuming bitterness she feels. i know if i don't think about it, i don't have to deal with it, and right now that's whats most important.
there are those times when it's like i never changed and then it all come back at me and i can't imagine that'll ever be the same.
sure there's plently of shame and more shame, and i'm already awkward enough, and then there's pity and sarrow and this feeling like someone reached into your chest and squeezed your heart and lungs and there's a tightness and it's almost a good thing because then i know that i'm feeling something, and that has to be better than nothing at all.
then theres the wondering at what people must think of you, what is going on in the heads of people she carelessly told, right in front of you. i feels like she told everyone she possibly could and it's hard to figure out how she manged that when you can't stand to think about it for too long, let alone tell the people you love and trust most in the world.
but then you get wrapped up in the littel things like what you're gonna need for finally going off to college, and the mundane stupid things you do day to day. then you remember you haven't spoken to him for a while, and then this happens but you still think that you should go get coffee or something, to pretend things are normal for a little bit longer, or for at least as long as things can be.
you never really blamed anyone, but you can't help thinking that this is all his fault but everyone's been so unhappy for so long that this almost feels like you should have seen it coming. it's hard to be a family when the four of you can't be in a room together for very long before the tension becomes unbearable, an dyou have to get out.
when everything shattered and the world seemed so unreal, do you think that all the pieces can ever be found? do you think that they'll ever fit like they did before? or will things be left unwhole and broken and always a little (a lot) off?
there are those times when it's like i never changed and then it all come back at me and i can't imagine that'll ever be the same.
sure there's plently of shame and more shame, and i'm already awkward enough, and then there's pity and sarrow and this feeling like someone reached into your chest and squeezed your heart and lungs and there's a tightness and it's almost a good thing because then i know that i'm feeling something, and that has to be better than nothing at all.
then theres the wondering at what people must think of you, what is going on in the heads of people she carelessly told, right in front of you. i feels like she told everyone she possibly could and it's hard to figure out how she manged that when you can't stand to think about it for too long, let alone tell the people you love and trust most in the world.
but then you get wrapped up in the littel things like what you're gonna need for finally going off to college, and the mundane stupid things you do day to day. then you remember you haven't spoken to him for a while, and then this happens but you still think that you should go get coffee or something, to pretend things are normal for a little bit longer, or for at least as long as things can be.
you never really blamed anyone, but you can't help thinking that this is all his fault but everyone's been so unhappy for so long that this almost feels like you should have seen it coming. it's hard to be a family when the four of you can't be in a room together for very long before the tension becomes unbearable, an dyou have to get out.
when everything shattered and the world seemed so unreal, do you think that all the pieces can ever be found? do you think that they'll ever fit like they did before? or will things be left unwhole and broken and always a little (a lot) off?