Just so anyone who was worried knows, I'm fine. Everything's back to normal, and all I suffered through was a gunshot wound to the shoulder. Thanks, Ianto.
Opening the Rift was not such a big deal. Hardly even terrifying. It was only moderately worrying, at most. Getting Jack and Tosh back was worth it. And now for my reward: painkillers and a good night's rest.
[PRIVATE/HACKABLE WITH SKILL]
I wish it had really worked.