wow
k well its only been like 9 months since i wrote in this thing and i just remembered i even had it. shit is so crazy now and i just have to get it off my chest.
so ive been with my boyfriend ben for six months and things were so great. i mean the boy is crazy, hes already asked me to marry him.. and i really wanted to. sometimes you just feel that that person is the one for you. but now it just seems destined to fail. he got some girl pregnant right before we got together and now she is due in november and its so hard to deal with. im only 20.. i dont want to deal with someone else's baby. but i love him and i want to be with him, so im trying so hard to accept it. and you would think that would be the biggest of our problems, but sadly its not. i dont know if that situation is just a catalyst for all our other issues, but its just getting ridiculous. we fight almost every day and its not even about anything important. he has a short temper and im very emotional. we went to atlanta like three weekends ago to visit his family (and for me to meet his dad, stepmom and brothers) and went to north carolina last weekend to visit his brother who goes to school at western carolina. since we went to atlanta he was been so different. and this monday after we got back from north carolina he tells me that he doesnt know if we should be together. And when i ask why and what i did, he said i did nothing and he is just going through some shit and he thinks it might be better for him to go through it alone. i asked if it had to do with the baby situation or another girl and he said no im being ridiculous. later that day, he told me he did want to be with me just that we dont have to be together every living moment and that we are not married yet and we need to keep our lives and i agree because i need to pay a lot more attention to my school and work.
but he is in north carolina again this weekend. he went there early friday morning and has not called me. i know its been what like two days but maybe its different because i dont know if i even fully trust him which is the worst thing and so hard for me to admit. i lie to myself, to him, to everyone.. swearing i trust him.. but i dont. i called him yesterday and its not like he returned my call. i know he barely gets service. i knows he there to see his brother. i know hes there with his mother. but yet i still think the worst. i still have this feeling that right now, as im typing this, he is with another girl. and it kills me. i wish i could trust him. but i just feel like it doesnt even matter now because things seem to be slowly ending. i have not seen him in a week which is just stupid because HEY, im used to seeing him every day. i feel like he doesnt even care about me anymore because if he did, he would call me or want to see me. if you care about someone you want to see them whenever you can.. and obviously thats not him. i just wish if it was over he would tell me.. so i can move on. id rather know now, be upset for a while, and eventually move on then have him treat me like shit, and tell me like a year from now we are done. and im like half waiting for him to come back from NC tomorrow because i miss him and im half afraid for him to come back because i feel like hes gonna tell me we are done
i know i can find someone else, if not now then in a little while, but i dont want to. i think its different than other relationships because things got so serious so quickly between us and now it just seems like its too far to turn back now. god why does life have to be so damn difficult sometimes...
so ive been with my boyfriend ben for six months and things were so great. i mean the boy is crazy, hes already asked me to marry him.. and i really wanted to. sometimes you just feel that that person is the one for you. but now it just seems destined to fail. he got some girl pregnant right before we got together and now she is due in november and its so hard to deal with. im only 20.. i dont want to deal with someone else's baby. but i love him and i want to be with him, so im trying so hard to accept it. and you would think that would be the biggest of our problems, but sadly its not. i dont know if that situation is just a catalyst for all our other issues, but its just getting ridiculous. we fight almost every day and its not even about anything important. he has a short temper and im very emotional. we went to atlanta like three weekends ago to visit his family (and for me to meet his dad, stepmom and brothers) and went to north carolina last weekend to visit his brother who goes to school at western carolina. since we went to atlanta he was been so different. and this monday after we got back from north carolina he tells me that he doesnt know if we should be together. And when i ask why and what i did, he said i did nothing and he is just going through some shit and he thinks it might be better for him to go through it alone. i asked if it had to do with the baby situation or another girl and he said no im being ridiculous. later that day, he told me he did want to be with me just that we dont have to be together every living moment and that we are not married yet and we need to keep our lives and i agree because i need to pay a lot more attention to my school and work.
but he is in north carolina again this weekend. he went there early friday morning and has not called me. i know its been what like two days but maybe its different because i dont know if i even fully trust him which is the worst thing and so hard for me to admit. i lie to myself, to him, to everyone.. swearing i trust him.. but i dont. i called him yesterday and its not like he returned my call. i know he barely gets service. i knows he there to see his brother. i know hes there with his mother. but yet i still think the worst. i still have this feeling that right now, as im typing this, he is with another girl. and it kills me. i wish i could trust him. but i just feel like it doesnt even matter now because things seem to be slowly ending. i have not seen him in a week which is just stupid because HEY, im used to seeing him every day. i feel like he doesnt even care about me anymore because if he did, he would call me or want to see me. if you care about someone you want to see them whenever you can.. and obviously thats not him. i just wish if it was over he would tell me.. so i can move on. id rather know now, be upset for a while, and eventually move on then have him treat me like shit, and tell me like a year from now we are done. and im like half waiting for him to come back from NC tomorrow because i miss him and im half afraid for him to come back because i feel like hes gonna tell me we are done
i know i can find someone else, if not now then in a little while, but i dont want to. i think its different than other relationships because things got so serious so quickly between us and now it just seems like its too far to turn back now. god why does life have to be so damn difficult sometimes...