7/28. 6:49 pm. i saw the called ID. and it made me cry.
the one and only time you'd ever see me eat chocolate. is when i'm depressed. of course, i have my up and down times. right now, if a down time as i am sucking down jello chocolate pudding, it tastes horrible but the sweetness numbs my thoughts. and after all, it is the only sweet thing im my house besides ice cream, and i can't eat any more of that. not the same kind anyways...it gets old i suppose. i could most def go for some sorbert or however you spell it though.
i heard a song on the radio today. it reminded me of something you use to do, although i can't say it...people would find me provocative more than likely. my journal seems so meaningless. writing seems to take time. prescious time i could spend pondering my own self pity. why didn't you talk to me today? cause i pretended i was okay. to satisfy some need inside me to be okay. i am okay. actually. getting better by the minute. than something happens, that knocks me back, and almost makes me fall over. and then. i think. imagine myself without you next to me. it's not where i wanted my life right now. without you. i needed you. right now, my body is numb to every emotion possible. this morning. i felt wonderful. starting a new day. i started going downhill, like every other day, waking up feeling great, falling asleep to the beat of my own heart, the sound of my own tears.
you need to do this. you repeat to yourself. i can imagine you. this is obviously very important to you, if it risks this. which, i think is something you care(d) deeply for. me.
i think about myself. wonder if what everyone always told me was true. "it is impossible for someone to love you" was what i was told...
and then. you loved me. you honestly loved me. and i loved you. more than i could ever imagine loving anyone. the feelings i felt for you were absolutely amazing, even after just the first month. of course i didn;t love you that soon. it sounds weird. i fell for you. something about you made me wait. something about you, will make me wait still today.
not knowing what will happen i wait. i wait here. i wait there.
i think about. everything. things we use to do. things that made me laugh. things that make me cry. i laugh about the stupid things wed argue about. cry over the stupid things wed laugh about. i use to sing 80s songs to you. cause somehow i knew every one of them. you would smile. and i could see the happiness in your eyes. you would smile. shrug your shoulders and hug me. hard as you possibly could. it was how i could tell you were happy at that moment. the way you held me. i had a hard time, laying with you the other day. cause...you held me. and you held me in that way. but you werent happy. it makes me wonder, if you were never happy.
i keep repeating in my head that as long as you're happy. im happy. but you're not happy. and i'm finding this harder every second every day. i would rather you have dumped me to be with someone else who makes you happy than you have dumped me because youre unhappy. it gives me false hope. and i want you to be happy so fucking bad i am not fighting for you. my head, says let him go. my heart says , fight for him you dumb bitch.
the question is...what have i listened to so far?
i heard a song on the radio today. it reminded me of something you use to do, although i can't say it...people would find me provocative more than likely. my journal seems so meaningless. writing seems to take time. prescious time i could spend pondering my own self pity. why didn't you talk to me today? cause i pretended i was okay. to satisfy some need inside me to be okay. i am okay. actually. getting better by the minute. than something happens, that knocks me back, and almost makes me fall over. and then. i think. imagine myself without you next to me. it's not where i wanted my life right now. without you. i needed you. right now, my body is numb to every emotion possible. this morning. i felt wonderful. starting a new day. i started going downhill, like every other day, waking up feeling great, falling asleep to the beat of my own heart, the sound of my own tears.
you need to do this. you repeat to yourself. i can imagine you. this is obviously very important to you, if it risks this. which, i think is something you care(d) deeply for. me.
i think about myself. wonder if what everyone always told me was true. "it is impossible for someone to love you" was what i was told...
and then. you loved me. you honestly loved me. and i loved you. more than i could ever imagine loving anyone. the feelings i felt for you were absolutely amazing, even after just the first month. of course i didn;t love you that soon. it sounds weird. i fell for you. something about you made me wait. something about you, will make me wait still today.
not knowing what will happen i wait. i wait here. i wait there.
i think about. everything. things we use to do. things that made me laugh. things that make me cry. i laugh about the stupid things wed argue about. cry over the stupid things wed laugh about. i use to sing 80s songs to you. cause somehow i knew every one of them. you would smile. and i could see the happiness in your eyes. you would smile. shrug your shoulders and hug me. hard as you possibly could. it was how i could tell you were happy at that moment. the way you held me. i had a hard time, laying with you the other day. cause...you held me. and you held me in that way. but you werent happy. it makes me wonder, if you were never happy.
i keep repeating in my head that as long as you're happy. im happy. but you're not happy. and i'm finding this harder every second every day. i would rather you have dumped me to be with someone else who makes you happy than you have dumped me because youre unhappy. it gives me false hope. and i want you to be happy so fucking bad i am not fighting for you. my head, says let him go. my heart says , fight for him you dumb bitch.
the question is...what have i listened to so far?