(no subject)

[fuckinjunctions]

Hey, don't- don't talk. Just hear me out, okay? If you're angry with me, then fine, be angry, but I just want to explain. I realise I kind of left on a really bad note yesterday, and I shouldn't have just blown up at you like that, but you know, I think I am at least a little justified in reacting like that. I mean, part of the reason you're such a nice guy is that you're willing to shape yourself around someone else, so I guess if someone slapped an injunction your way, you'd probably be upset but you wouldn't fight it, right? No- no that was rhetorical, just shush. I'm not like you. I'm selfish. Don't try to argue with me about this - seriously, I'm going to gag you in a minute if you don't be quiet - I know I'm selfish, and frankly, I don't care, because I don't care a lot about what other people think of me off the court or whatever. But I care about what you think. I care way too much, according to Jen, who's really sick of hearing me going on and on about you all the time, whether it's in frustration or in adoration, because you make me feel like that all at once. Like, you know me, if I feel some way about something, I'm never going to shut up about it. And I feel so many things for you. Five years ago you were this hot, cool guy I just happened to meet, and now I'm thinking yeah, thank god I met you. Because you're still a hot, cool guy, but my brain's turned into some hideous romance novel. I think about you when I wake up and you're not next to me, when I'm on the court and hoping your match is going well or wishing you were in the stands. Knowing that I'm going to go over to yours in the evening makes the rest of the day go a bit more smoothly for me. It's practically sickening, to be honest, because I've never been so stupid over one person before. And you know, sometimes I want to think that maybe you're this stupid over me, too. I kind of hope that maybe you think about me in the morning too. Like I said, hideous romance novel. I just want to be with you, be your idiot, immature boyfriend. I want things to be simple - and yeah, to me, simplicity is being together and telling the world to go fuck itself if it wants to complain. It's being able to walk down the street with you without worrying about who thinks what, about being able to show everyone else how proud I am of this guy, and just how much I care about him. So then you bring out an injunction, and I feel like I've been punched in the face. I don't want you to think I'm trying to guilt-trip you into doing anything, because I'm not. I just want you to know how I feel about this, and why I reacted so badly. If - god, it hurts to say it like that - you come out, I want you to do it on your own terms, I don't want the media to descend on you like a pack of wolves. I also don't want to be that massive cunt who forces you into doing something you're not ready to do, even if I get all stressed and angry and unreasonable with you because of it. Because no matter how many times I get angry with you, how many times I storm away or sulk, two days will pass and I'll still find myself on your doorstep, like I did tonight, scared that this time you won't forgive me. But it's hard for me too, because I- well, I just love you too much. I don't want to let you go. I don't want to walk away and never come back. I don't want to give you an ultimatum. I want to show up at your door and grab you as soon as you open it, I want to have sex in stupid places, I want to end up lying on the floor with you with the duvet because neither of us can be arsed to get back onto the bed. I want to follow you into the shower in the mornings and be completely indecent all over again, and stupidly style your hair into a mohawk with the shampoo. I want to lie around in bed and run my fingers over all the marks you get from playing rugby, to be careful and make you moan in that way you think is embarrassing and I think is sexy, but without bothering any bruises. I want to win a slam and thank my sister and my boyfriend for their support and love. I want to be in the stands at the Stoop and I want to go "THAT'S MY BOYFRIEND" when you score some amazing try. I just want to be present in your life, and for you to be in mine. So I guess all I'm really trying to get at with this is that I love you. And that I hope you'll have the patience with me to not hate me completely after I throw a tantrum, and that you'll trust me, because I don't want to make your life harder - even though I'm sure I do anyway. I don't want to hurt you. I want to try and stop being a huge, selfish cock about this.

I just wish it didn't matter. Being in love with someone would be so much easier if the rest of the world didn't have to make it their business.