This post doesn't make a lot of sense and will bore you.
I could feel that my pants are a little bigger, and I've been getting that obnoxious "crack kills" comment over the past few days, since I don't wear underwear when I don't have to do a show. So I knew I had lost weight. I didn't know how much until I went into Dr. Couvoursie's office for the study and saw how much I weighed, and was disappointed at first, but then she told me to subtract two pounds for clothes, shoes and since I just ate. So it's at least four, possible five pounds.
And I've realized that the reason I used to be dizzy all the time is not really because I'm anemic, or maybe it is, but the reason I'm anemic is because I don't really eat. When I'm not on Zyprexa, I'm not really hungry at all, and I can't eat when I'm not hungry. Or I just don't feel like it. But when I'm on Zyprexa I have this raging appetite, and I eat all the time when I'm not even hungry, or when I don't think I'm hungry. So in conclusion, it's kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. I can be skinny and feel weak, or fat and not feel dizzy. But I don't want to keep gaining weight, I just can't. I don't want to wake up one day weighing 250 pounds asking myself what the hell happened. So I'll take my Geodon, probably lose weight, and try to eat when I'm not hungry, to eat just because I have to eat. I wished I could have my old appetite back,and now that I do, it kind of sucks. I'm not trying to complain too much, it's just I don't want to get dizzy walking up the steps again like I used to. I don't want to lose my figure. I bought some deli meat yesterday, some turkey, so I can force myself to eat it when I'm not hungry.
Oh yeah, I realized why I don't feel hunger very easily. A girl I know who was anorexic says that she still doesn't feel hunger, it's a mental thing. When I was in 8th grade and depressed, I didn't eat anything, not because I felt like I was fat, necessarily, but because I felt like I didn't deserve to eat. It became about weight though, when I got happy and started eating again and lost my 88-pound 5'5 figure. I started throwing up (on purpose).It's insane to think that I once weighed that little I weigh *censored* pounds now, I can't imagine being that skinny again. But I digress. The point is, I fucked myself over. Now I'm trying to be normal, and I feel like I can't do it. I can't make myself eat when I'm not hungry, even though I'm physically hungry. But I don't mentally feel it. I really need to talk to Lori, to someone who knows, about this.
And I've realized that the reason I used to be dizzy all the time is not really because I'm anemic, or maybe it is, but the reason I'm anemic is because I don't really eat. When I'm not on Zyprexa, I'm not really hungry at all, and I can't eat when I'm not hungry. Or I just don't feel like it. But when I'm on Zyprexa I have this raging appetite, and I eat all the time when I'm not even hungry, or when I don't think I'm hungry. So in conclusion, it's kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. I can be skinny and feel weak, or fat and not feel dizzy. But I don't want to keep gaining weight, I just can't. I don't want to wake up one day weighing 250 pounds asking myself what the hell happened. So I'll take my Geodon, probably lose weight, and try to eat when I'm not hungry, to eat just because I have to eat. I wished I could have my old appetite back,and now that I do, it kind of sucks. I'm not trying to complain too much, it's just I don't want to get dizzy walking up the steps again like I used to. I don't want to lose my figure. I bought some deli meat yesterday, some turkey, so I can force myself to eat it when I'm not hungry.
Oh yeah, I realized why I don't feel hunger very easily. A girl I know who was anorexic says that she still doesn't feel hunger, it's a mental thing. When I was in 8th grade and depressed, I didn't eat anything, not because I felt like I was fat, necessarily, but because I felt like I didn't deserve to eat. It became about weight though, when I got happy and started eating again and lost my 88-pound 5'5 figure. I started throwing up (on purpose).It's insane to think that I once weighed that little I weigh *censored* pounds now, I can't imagine being that skinny again. But I digress. The point is, I fucked myself over. Now I'm trying to be normal, and I feel like I can't do it. I can't make myself eat when I'm not hungry, even though I'm physically hungry. But I don't mentally feel it. I really need to talk to Lori, to someone who knows, about this.