a million words of nothing

[fuckingmandi]

i've never been one to hide in a corner waiting for the period to end so i can go home and be alone. I'd rather have cigarette smoke in my eyes than endure the stinging pain of lonelyness. BUt this random change in mine own attitude due to the life i now lead is enough to send a shiver down my spine. i couldn't hate it more if i tried...yet there's a haunting gratefulness about this whole predicament that i would never let on about, but it's ever so present. WIsh i was back at square one. Wish i had another chance to be where i want and lead my own life. GODDAMN my foolishness. BUt resting within every dark cloud lies an angel waiting to be discovered. Boys in disguises as what i need are more foolish than I. Or maybe they are just genius and the foolishness they portray is just another mere disguise. Trying to throw me off double style because they knew i would figure out the first fake out. I'm not as ignorant as the being i may portray at times. IT's just easier. When everyone thinks they are always 2 steps ahead of you is when you take three. But not in the same way. They never know. 4 more days of highschool and finals and my life changes. where am i going to be living in 2 weeks? what state of mind will i be in. will i still be prisoner of this household or have freedom and then will i only be prisoner of my own doubts about life and love and everything inbetween? Why do things happen the way you don't want them to until you find out that it's best and yet you think you have what you need but you hate it more than anyone can imagine, but you cope for the reasoning of what's better for yourself, and fianlly a time comes when you actually get what it is you wanted before...and stop wanting it because you've changed so much and then you begin to completely mistrust yourself and everything you've ever thought you wanted or didin't want because nothing in yourself even seems to make sense anymore and you feel utterly ridiculous and there isn't anything you can do about it but reside in this denial state and continue to act like everything is fine when on the inside you just know that it's all wrong. Ur all wrong. And then you discover that even in the midst of pouring your heart out to a false, non existant listener, you still make less than no sense and it deosn't even matter because your time is still just being wasted writing something that no one will ever know. ever. And they don't mind and neither should you. Because what is it all besides pointless words and pointless emotion. pointless feelings of someone who will go down in hsitory as a ghost. No one will even know of the existence of any of these people that mean so much to you. They won't even know you existed in a hundred or two years. what's the point? I've lost the meaning. I completely lost whatever point i was attempting to make in the first place. but then again, what would it matter if no one will ever know and these words are all just lost anyways?
what the fuck am i talking about anymore?
why the fuck am i talking anymore?
if words could kill i'd be murderer.
tell me ur not reading this.
faggot.

<3333