(no subject)
Things in my life to date:
1) I have re-discovered anti-flag and it is making me quite happy.
2) Park city here I come!!!
3) I think I need a new therapist, because mine only makes me MORE depressed (at least lately)
4) I am thinking of shaving (okay not really SHAVING, cutting) the sides of my head shorter than they already are and growing the back bit out so that my Mohawk is more even. Thoughts? Or is the rat-tail look too awkward. Even though I have to say I would love it.
5) Who thinks (on the topic of Mohawks) that amy should get a Chelsea hawk??? Wait I don’t know if anyone I know knows what that means. Look It up on LJ interests
6) ()()()() I am using a lot of parenthes(e)s today. (maybe)
7) (wait I always do)
8) If you hate the fact that spoon has become obsolete…(not the right word to use there but I really wanted to use it) say so.
9) Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
10) Who hates Los Angeles? I hate Los Angeles.
I am in school again, Mondays suck major ass. Especially without Spoon. My desk has all this really annoying pink eraser dust all over it and it is making me very OCD/ADD. I can’t pay attention to Mrs. Weil and I can’t get them off of my desk. The bell rings for class and everyone sits down. Normally Laura Milen sits next to me but she left the school over the weekend for Paris, and, surprisingly, there is someone new where her bony butt used to rest itself. He is drawing in a sketchbook with a thick black marker and he has his head bent over so I can’t see but I really want to. He has very very very light blonde hair. White blonde hair. He is wearing dickies and a plain long sleeved soft looking tee shirt. He has skate shoes on. Go figure. Mrs. Weil calls for everyone’s attention as she is explaining how solar power works, which we need to know for our test, she says. Suddenly she stops mid sentence. “Consider it atoms holding hands, one extra that needs a home, and it moves over which makes it positive so.. Oh gosh! I forgot to introduce the new student! I’m so sorry Richard! Class, this is Richard. He just transferred from a school in Canada.” He barely looks up, but I catch a glimpse of long, ready-to-be-batted eyelashes and summer-sky intense blue eyes. He mumbles something and Mrs. Weil asks him to repeat it. Then he says, louder this time, “my name is Rickford, not Richard.” Mrs. Weil ignores this comment and continues to teach. I tap his shoulder with my pencil and say “hey Rickford, I’m Ender.” He looks at me, smiles, and says “hey. So do you want to tell me anything about this school, y’know, warn me etcetera?” I check to see if Mrs. Weil is looking (she isn’t) lean in to his desk and say, whispering, “meet me at the left side of Guild Hall after school and I’ll tell you everything.” He is too hot to pass up. The kind of guy you want t make out with as soon as you see him and you wish it were only you who liked him, no one else. He looks me in the eyes and says, “I’ll see you there.”
For the rest of the class I am paralyzed, bored, anxious, emotional. This is because I am on my damn period. All I can say is: Sheesh, am I moody today. My foot is asleep, and I just want the bell to ring. I keep blowing on my desk and the eraser dust won’t come off, and I am about to faint, I am puffing so hard. Finally the bell rings, three consecutive dings, and Rickford picks up his stuff and walks with me to Guild Hall. There are a few kids milling around but we are basically on our own. Rickford places his foot on a hand rail and ties his shoes tighter. I ask him where he wants to go. He says he doesn’t really know this place at all so how would he know, and I say, right, I knew that. I tell him to leave his stuff where it is, and we walk out the school gates, onto the lawn, and out to the street. He asks me something, would I mind if he changed? I say this is weird of him, and I kind of would since I want to get going, the Hiking Point, our destination, isn’t close or easy to get to and I want to be back by five. He shrugs and his hair flops onto his eyes. “what’s Canada like?” I ask him. He tells me, cold, boring, Canada-like. Lots of skaters lots of snow lots of people. I say, “nice way to be vague.” And he tells me really, its like that. I give up. We have made it to the base of Emir’s Garden, a.k.a. the Hiking Point. I tell Rickford its this garden that Emir has. Duh. “But, to be more specific, this guy, Emir, as I said, tends to this garden here for eight hours a day seven days a week.” It’s a hiking trail and it is beautiful and quiet. “I like to come here and cry” I say, looking away and laughing. “that’s awesome.” Rickford says, surprising me. “I used to go this place, Devil’s Pit, a dry riverbed type thing, when I was upset or mad or anything, its really quiet and peaceful and empty. Everyone needs a place like that.” I walk backwards, in front of him, so I can see his face, and say “I get the feeling people didn’t, um, accept you, back home. Am I right?” he nods his head, a solemn, but not the least bit painful, yes. I drop the subject because I can tell he doesn’t really care for the subject.
We reach the top of the garden and I begin telling him all of Helen County’s secrets, from teachers that date students to the crazy lady in the thirty three cents store to the Shorts Ban of 1999. We have a great time, he tells me more about Canada and I see that he is ridiculously funny and I can barely breathe half the time he is talking because I am laughing so hard. He is great. I keep hearing these noises over on the other side of the hedge that Rickford and I are sitting by, and I excuse myself to look over and see what’s going on. And then I see it. HOLY FUCKING SHIT I SEE IT. Right there, in front of my goddamn eyes Rupert Mulligan my love of many many years is making sweet love to Leah Roh, who goes to his school and he has only mentioned her once to me, saying they were lab partners. And Leah is making noises. Pleasure noises. I can’t take it and I run away, screaming, only to be followed by a very confused Rickford. I run for what seems like hours and I try not to think of everything and anything having to do with Spoon. I tell Rickford I am sorry this had to happen and that I just saw my boyfriend of a long time having sex with some girl I’ve never met. I’m a very point-blank person. I am mad, so I tell him. Big deal. He walks with me, swift and dancer-ly, and he takes me to my house, me leading him, since he has never been there. But before we reach my house we hit the tree on the corner, where half of my childhood took place. Luckily, my childhood did not involve Spoon. Rickford hoists me up and I crawl out to the farthest branch reachable. He follows me and tells me he is going to take me somewhere. I ask him how does he know of anywhere here and he tells me he spent the summer before school here for an art program. I have never heard of any art programs in Helen County but I’m not paying much attention to anything at this point. He hugs me, and I fall asleep in his pale arms. He wakes me two hours later, it is seven, and he walks me to my house, runs back to school, gets my backpack and brings it to me. I kiss him on the cheek, thanking him, and tell him I need some space but he was wonderful and amazing and perfect and I will see him in school oh no it is Friday then… He stops me mid sentence and says, “I know what will cheer you up. I’ll be here tomorrow at nine outside of your window. You can eat ben and jerry’s all day but I’ll be here at night to pick you up. Wear anything.” I am weak from everything and can barely say anything but I start to protest and he puts one elegant child-like finger over my sputtering lips, stopping me. “no.” and he is off, with one wave.
I wait around in the house for the next day, and, as he predicted, forge a closer relationship with my freezer. The phone rings constantly, and I refuse to pick up. Surprisingly sleeping last night was easy and I wake up rested. I watch TV movies and reruns of step by step and full house and I love the seventies. I become an expert on Bad Metal Moments and memorize the QVC number. But, I am still very excited for Rickford’s surprise and dress in my favorite outfit which consists of a long light blue prairie skirt and my trusty black hoodie. I sit in my room trying to study but I can’t think straight. At eight fifty eight I hear a tap on my window and sure enough it is Rickford. With rocks. At my window. Like in a movie. I laugh, and crawl out the window down a story and to him. The night sky is casting a very harsh blue light on everything. This is when I see Rickford fully. He is wearing glittering green eyeliner, a green tutu, green converse high tops , and a green Power Rangers shirt that I can tell he had since he was little, because it is small and has a lot of holes in it. He smiles, and I can feel how strong he is as he helps me down. I can’t help it. I lean into him and kiss him on the lips. He is beautiful. He isn’t a rebound, he isn’t a stranger, he isn’t boring. So I kiss him more and he pulls back and says “hold it, let me show you where we are going first.” But I can tell he doesn’t mind. He grabs my hand and I can feel his heat. It is cold outside, and I let myself think of the moment when I saw spoon. And I get this very distinct feeling, as if I am seeing spoon for the first time. I realize that he is just a big poser in Los Angeles trying to be cool and I realize that he wasn’t an individual, he was just someone trying to pull off an air of “I don’t care” and I sort of forgive him in my mind for having sex with Leah because I should have expected it and I was blind to the REAL spoon.
I grab hold harder to Rickford’s hand and he is pulling me towards Left Town, where I don’t really go ever because it is known as the dumps of Helen County. But soon I see that at night it is beautiful, transformed. He leads me to the back of a building and up the fire escape. We are on a roof overlooking the city. There is a soft blue futon on the ground, lights hanging from a clothesline, little potted flowers lining the walls, blankets in a pile, and stacks of books. But it doesn’t look cluttered at all. Rickford pulls me over the wall and we stare for ten minutes at the array of lights glittering below us. He doesn’t say anything to me, but we lay down on the futon, and stare at the stars. It is a clear night and the stars make out every imaginable shape and I can see the big dipper and I can see Orion’s belt. We call out shapes to each other, pointing out their places in the vast sky. We are holding hands as if we are little kids, playing with our fingers and giggling and whispering. Then I yell out at the sky “THANK YOU FOR BRINGING ME RICKFORD!” and he says, upwards as well “THANK YOU FOR BRINGING ME ENDER!” and we just smile.
Rickford is I think the most gentle, careful and tender kisser to ever grace this planet earth. We are together the whole night, and I do not feel guilty in the least when we kiss kiss kiss underneath a pink blanket with bunnies on it. Rickford feels right, a perfect fit. I kiss his forehead and then fall asleep.
Note to all readers: Rickford is not gay. I just have a thing for guys in skirts and eyeliner…
1) I have re-discovered anti-flag and it is making me quite happy.
2) Park city here I come!!!
3) I think I need a new therapist, because mine only makes me MORE depressed (at least lately)
4) I am thinking of shaving (okay not really SHAVING, cutting) the sides of my head shorter than they already are and growing the back bit out so that my Mohawk is more even. Thoughts? Or is the rat-tail look too awkward. Even though I have to say I would love it.
5) Who thinks (on the topic of Mohawks) that amy should get a Chelsea hawk??? Wait I don’t know if anyone I know knows what that means. Look It up on LJ interests
6) ()()()() I am using a lot of parenthes(e)s today. (maybe)
7) (wait I always do)
8) If you hate the fact that spoon has become obsolete…(not the right word to use there but I really wanted to use it) say so.
9) Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
10) Who hates Los Angeles? I hate Los Angeles.
I am in school again, Mondays suck major ass. Especially without Spoon. My desk has all this really annoying pink eraser dust all over it and it is making me very OCD/ADD. I can’t pay attention to Mrs. Weil and I can’t get them off of my desk. The bell rings for class and everyone sits down. Normally Laura Milen sits next to me but she left the school over the weekend for Paris, and, surprisingly, there is someone new where her bony butt used to rest itself. He is drawing in a sketchbook with a thick black marker and he has his head bent over so I can’t see but I really want to. He has very very very light blonde hair. White blonde hair. He is wearing dickies and a plain long sleeved soft looking tee shirt. He has skate shoes on. Go figure. Mrs. Weil calls for everyone’s attention as she is explaining how solar power works, which we need to know for our test, she says. Suddenly she stops mid sentence. “Consider it atoms holding hands, one extra that needs a home, and it moves over which makes it positive so.. Oh gosh! I forgot to introduce the new student! I’m so sorry Richard! Class, this is Richard. He just transferred from a school in Canada.” He barely looks up, but I catch a glimpse of long, ready-to-be-batted eyelashes and summer-sky intense blue eyes. He mumbles something and Mrs. Weil asks him to repeat it. Then he says, louder this time, “my name is Rickford, not Richard.” Mrs. Weil ignores this comment and continues to teach. I tap his shoulder with my pencil and say “hey Rickford, I’m Ender.” He looks at me, smiles, and says “hey. So do you want to tell me anything about this school, y’know, warn me etcetera?” I check to see if Mrs. Weil is looking (she isn’t) lean in to his desk and say, whispering, “meet me at the left side of Guild Hall after school and I’ll tell you everything.” He is too hot to pass up. The kind of guy you want t make out with as soon as you see him and you wish it were only you who liked him, no one else. He looks me in the eyes and says, “I’ll see you there.”
For the rest of the class I am paralyzed, bored, anxious, emotional. This is because I am on my damn period. All I can say is: Sheesh, am I moody today. My foot is asleep, and I just want the bell to ring. I keep blowing on my desk and the eraser dust won’t come off, and I am about to faint, I am puffing so hard. Finally the bell rings, three consecutive dings, and Rickford picks up his stuff and walks with me to Guild Hall. There are a few kids milling around but we are basically on our own. Rickford places his foot on a hand rail and ties his shoes tighter. I ask him where he wants to go. He says he doesn’t really know this place at all so how would he know, and I say, right, I knew that. I tell him to leave his stuff where it is, and we walk out the school gates, onto the lawn, and out to the street. He asks me something, would I mind if he changed? I say this is weird of him, and I kind of would since I want to get going, the Hiking Point, our destination, isn’t close or easy to get to and I want to be back by five. He shrugs and his hair flops onto his eyes. “what’s Canada like?” I ask him. He tells me, cold, boring, Canada-like. Lots of skaters lots of snow lots of people. I say, “nice way to be vague.” And he tells me really, its like that. I give up. We have made it to the base of Emir’s Garden, a.k.a. the Hiking Point. I tell Rickford its this garden that Emir has. Duh. “But, to be more specific, this guy, Emir, as I said, tends to this garden here for eight hours a day seven days a week.” It’s a hiking trail and it is beautiful and quiet. “I like to come here and cry” I say, looking away and laughing. “that’s awesome.” Rickford says, surprising me. “I used to go this place, Devil’s Pit, a dry riverbed type thing, when I was upset or mad or anything, its really quiet and peaceful and empty. Everyone needs a place like that.” I walk backwards, in front of him, so I can see his face, and say “I get the feeling people didn’t, um, accept you, back home. Am I right?” he nods his head, a solemn, but not the least bit painful, yes. I drop the subject because I can tell he doesn’t really care for the subject.
We reach the top of the garden and I begin telling him all of Helen County’s secrets, from teachers that date students to the crazy lady in the thirty three cents store to the Shorts Ban of 1999. We have a great time, he tells me more about Canada and I see that he is ridiculously funny and I can barely breathe half the time he is talking because I am laughing so hard. He is great. I keep hearing these noises over on the other side of the hedge that Rickford and I are sitting by, and I excuse myself to look over and see what’s going on. And then I see it. HOLY FUCKING SHIT I SEE IT. Right there, in front of my goddamn eyes Rupert Mulligan my love of many many years is making sweet love to Leah Roh, who goes to his school and he has only mentioned her once to me, saying they were lab partners. And Leah is making noises. Pleasure noises. I can’t take it and I run away, screaming, only to be followed by a very confused Rickford. I run for what seems like hours and I try not to think of everything and anything having to do with Spoon. I tell Rickford I am sorry this had to happen and that I just saw my boyfriend of a long time having sex with some girl I’ve never met. I’m a very point-blank person. I am mad, so I tell him. Big deal. He walks with me, swift and dancer-ly, and he takes me to my house, me leading him, since he has never been there. But before we reach my house we hit the tree on the corner, where half of my childhood took place. Luckily, my childhood did not involve Spoon. Rickford hoists me up and I crawl out to the farthest branch reachable. He follows me and tells me he is going to take me somewhere. I ask him how does he know of anywhere here and he tells me he spent the summer before school here for an art program. I have never heard of any art programs in Helen County but I’m not paying much attention to anything at this point. He hugs me, and I fall asleep in his pale arms. He wakes me two hours later, it is seven, and he walks me to my house, runs back to school, gets my backpack and brings it to me. I kiss him on the cheek, thanking him, and tell him I need some space but he was wonderful and amazing and perfect and I will see him in school oh no it is Friday then… He stops me mid sentence and says, “I know what will cheer you up. I’ll be here tomorrow at nine outside of your window. You can eat ben and jerry’s all day but I’ll be here at night to pick you up. Wear anything.” I am weak from everything and can barely say anything but I start to protest and he puts one elegant child-like finger over my sputtering lips, stopping me. “no.” and he is off, with one wave.
I wait around in the house for the next day, and, as he predicted, forge a closer relationship with my freezer. The phone rings constantly, and I refuse to pick up. Surprisingly sleeping last night was easy and I wake up rested. I watch TV movies and reruns of step by step and full house and I love the seventies. I become an expert on Bad Metal Moments and memorize the QVC number. But, I am still very excited for Rickford’s surprise and dress in my favorite outfit which consists of a long light blue prairie skirt and my trusty black hoodie. I sit in my room trying to study but I can’t think straight. At eight fifty eight I hear a tap on my window and sure enough it is Rickford. With rocks. At my window. Like in a movie. I laugh, and crawl out the window down a story and to him. The night sky is casting a very harsh blue light on everything. This is when I see Rickford fully. He is wearing glittering green eyeliner, a green tutu, green converse high tops , and a green Power Rangers shirt that I can tell he had since he was little, because it is small and has a lot of holes in it. He smiles, and I can feel how strong he is as he helps me down. I can’t help it. I lean into him and kiss him on the lips. He is beautiful. He isn’t a rebound, he isn’t a stranger, he isn’t boring. So I kiss him more and he pulls back and says “hold it, let me show you where we are going first.” But I can tell he doesn’t mind. He grabs my hand and I can feel his heat. It is cold outside, and I let myself think of the moment when I saw spoon. And I get this very distinct feeling, as if I am seeing spoon for the first time. I realize that he is just a big poser in Los Angeles trying to be cool and I realize that he wasn’t an individual, he was just someone trying to pull off an air of “I don’t care” and I sort of forgive him in my mind for having sex with Leah because I should have expected it and I was blind to the REAL spoon.
I grab hold harder to Rickford’s hand and he is pulling me towards Left Town, where I don’t really go ever because it is known as the dumps of Helen County. But soon I see that at night it is beautiful, transformed. He leads me to the back of a building and up the fire escape. We are on a roof overlooking the city. There is a soft blue futon on the ground, lights hanging from a clothesline, little potted flowers lining the walls, blankets in a pile, and stacks of books. But it doesn’t look cluttered at all. Rickford pulls me over the wall and we stare for ten minutes at the array of lights glittering below us. He doesn’t say anything to me, but we lay down on the futon, and stare at the stars. It is a clear night and the stars make out every imaginable shape and I can see the big dipper and I can see Orion’s belt. We call out shapes to each other, pointing out their places in the vast sky. We are holding hands as if we are little kids, playing with our fingers and giggling and whispering. Then I yell out at the sky “THANK YOU FOR BRINGING ME RICKFORD!” and he says, upwards as well “THANK YOU FOR BRINGING ME ENDER!” and we just smile.
Rickford is I think the most gentle, careful and tender kisser to ever grace this planet earth. We are together the whole night, and I do not feel guilty in the least when we kiss kiss kiss underneath a pink blanket with bunnies on it. Rickford feels right, a perfect fit. I kiss his forehead and then fall asleep.
Note to all readers: Rickford is not gay. I just have a thing for guys in skirts and eyeliner…