erase & rewind: world has been turned upside down
once i told my dad i filled out my application to transfer to psu next term, he told me i was making the biggest mistake of my life, but... i could still do what i want.
now: he has decided that i can no longer leave oregon, no matter what. if i want to leave at any time, i will no longer receive money from him at all. nothing. zero. and funny question, how much do i have right now in my bank account. yeah, $7. so transferring is no longer a possbility, if i want to receive my u of o tuition.
it's funny because i am always so concerned about being with ben, missing ben, how can i go through time without him? my life felt off without him here. but now, gosh why was i worrying? at this moment he is the most stable and consistent thing in my life. definitely one of the happier aspects of it. im not even worried about him anymore and now lately have no time to think about him all the time. i felt trapped here in eugene, but now i feel infinitely more trapped, having to stay here three more years?
the plan: i have to finish the year here. my thoughts on that. well, sometimes i feel hopeless. the other day i had never cried so hard in my entire life. i sat and cried for i dont know how long straight. until i realized that i could no longer cry and live my life in my room crying, but i couldnt stop. i went through half my day in classes, walking to and from places, going to the financial aid office...crying.
this term i will focus on leaving, fill out the transfer applications i can, have my mom do my fafsa, do as many scholarship applications. im going all the way. continue working so somehow i can pay for this transfer. fucking kick ass in school, having a brillant gpa. so that there is no reason i have to stay here.
for next spring term, i am going to write down everything wrong with the university of oregon. and come up with some kind of solution for each problem i have. than proceed to fix each problem. somehow next term, i will make this work. if i like it, than i stay. if i feel this way still...im getting the fuck out. and nothing can stop me. the way i feel now is not my normal self, and im not in a healthy environment for me. luckily, my rooomate is home this weekend. i have my own space, one that isnt disgusting.
sometimes i feel so hopeless, so desperate, so terrible. trapped. rejected. betrayed by my father. angry at my father for making this decision, but sometimes i feel grateful for this. i feel empowered because i remember hey! this is my life...this is my happiness.
and more than ever i believe in these words,
if there is a will, there is a way.
nothing can and nothing will stop me from changing this. from creating a happy space for myself. creating a world that is mine, because ive only got this one chance and no one and nothing will control my life. my choices. i will not fall under the radar, but for myself and to show my dad, this is my life. and as corny as all those words sound, im starting to believe in them. and in myself.
nothing can & nothing will stop me. this is my life. :)
now: he has decided that i can no longer leave oregon, no matter what. if i want to leave at any time, i will no longer receive money from him at all. nothing. zero. and funny question, how much do i have right now in my bank account. yeah, $7. so transferring is no longer a possbility, if i want to receive my u of o tuition.
it's funny because i am always so concerned about being with ben, missing ben, how can i go through time without him? my life felt off without him here. but now, gosh why was i worrying? at this moment he is the most stable and consistent thing in my life. definitely one of the happier aspects of it. im not even worried about him anymore and now lately have no time to think about him all the time. i felt trapped here in eugene, but now i feel infinitely more trapped, having to stay here three more years?
the plan: i have to finish the year here. my thoughts on that. well, sometimes i feel hopeless. the other day i had never cried so hard in my entire life. i sat and cried for i dont know how long straight. until i realized that i could no longer cry and live my life in my room crying, but i couldnt stop. i went through half my day in classes, walking to and from places, going to the financial aid office...crying.
this term i will focus on leaving, fill out the transfer applications i can, have my mom do my fafsa, do as many scholarship applications. im going all the way. continue working so somehow i can pay for this transfer. fucking kick ass in school, having a brillant gpa. so that there is no reason i have to stay here.
for next spring term, i am going to write down everything wrong with the university of oregon. and come up with some kind of solution for each problem i have. than proceed to fix each problem. somehow next term, i will make this work. if i like it, than i stay. if i feel this way still...im getting the fuck out. and nothing can stop me. the way i feel now is not my normal self, and im not in a healthy environment for me. luckily, my rooomate is home this weekend. i have my own space, one that isnt disgusting.
sometimes i feel so hopeless, so desperate, so terrible. trapped. rejected. betrayed by my father. angry at my father for making this decision, but sometimes i feel grateful for this. i feel empowered because i remember hey! this is my life...this is my happiness.
and more than ever i believe in these words,
if there is a will, there is a way.
nothing can and nothing will stop me from changing this. from creating a happy space for myself. creating a world that is mine, because ive only got this one chance and no one and nothing will control my life. my choices. i will not fall under the radar, but for myself and to show my dad, this is my life. and as corny as all those words sound, im starting to believe in them. and in myself.
nothing can & nothing will stop me. this is my life. :)