(no subject)
Why can't I just give up?
It's hard letting go of someone when they live in your home and are your only support system on a new coast.
Aka....I haven't. I asked him to tuck me in the other night. I asked him to lie with me last night. I rubbed his stomach to keep him there until he fell asleep. When he got up this morning to leave, I put my hand down his pants to keep him with me longer. I played videogames with him today, even though I hate them, so he'd think I was more fun and want to spend time with me again. I don't know how to sleep alone anymore. I can't enjoy my space anymore.
And I still want to be with him. I really hope that it's just depression and lifts soon. He told me he loved me. Wants to be with me. Thinks it will all be better soon. I want to wait it out.
Then again, he told me today that he wants to move back to Peru, Illinois, where he grew up, after AmeriCorps. He wants to finish his teaching degree there. He knows of many teachers retiring shortly and wants to work there. He said this after I inquired. He didn't think to discuss it with me. I don't think I'm a variable anymore.
Peru, Illinois. For the rest of his life. He told me he didn't want that. He said he dreamt of living in Seattle. He told me he wanted to travel.
And now I'm trying to find colleges in Illinois because we were supposed to get married and have a daughter and 8 dogs.
But I can't. I just can't settle, there, now.
So what do I do then? Travel across countries working in schools and endangered animal sanctuaries in europe and africa and south america and paint everything and live outside and grow and be challenged and live?
Or settle down in Peru, Illinois in the corn fields?
It should be an easy decision, but I'm so much weaker than I've ever been. I prefaced myself completely. I told him I was unstable, and difficult to commit, and was still growing, and wouldn't settle, and would be traveling and wild. He said he would too He lied to me and I fell in love with him and I'm starting to hate him for it.
It's hard letting go of someone when they live in your home and are your only support system on a new coast.
Aka....I haven't. I asked him to tuck me in the other night. I asked him to lie with me last night. I rubbed his stomach to keep him there until he fell asleep. When he got up this morning to leave, I put my hand down his pants to keep him with me longer. I played videogames with him today, even though I hate them, so he'd think I was more fun and want to spend time with me again. I don't know how to sleep alone anymore. I can't enjoy my space anymore.
And I still want to be with him. I really hope that it's just depression and lifts soon. He told me he loved me. Wants to be with me. Thinks it will all be better soon. I want to wait it out.
Then again, he told me today that he wants to move back to Peru, Illinois, where he grew up, after AmeriCorps. He wants to finish his teaching degree there. He knows of many teachers retiring shortly and wants to work there. He said this after I inquired. He didn't think to discuss it with me. I don't think I'm a variable anymore.
Peru, Illinois. For the rest of his life. He told me he didn't want that. He said he dreamt of living in Seattle. He told me he wanted to travel.
And now I'm trying to find colleges in Illinois because we were supposed to get married and have a daughter and 8 dogs.
But I can't. I just can't settle, there, now.
So what do I do then? Travel across countries working in schools and endangered animal sanctuaries in europe and africa and south america and paint everything and live outside and grow and be challenged and live?
Or settle down in Peru, Illinois in the corn fields?
It should be an easy decision, but I'm so much weaker than I've ever been. I prefaced myself completely. I told him I was unstable, and difficult to commit, and was still growing, and wouldn't settle, and would be traveling and wild. He said he would too He lied to me and I fell in love with him and I'm starting to hate him for it.