(no subject)
I could never stay there. I know that. But, it's hard not to want it back.
Home was family
and her
and him
andSo, my step dad bought my mom a gun for christmas, for when us liberals take away their right to bear arms. And I bought too many books and had to leave clothes and presents home to accommodate their weight. And it snowed continuously for my first week. And was dangerous, and beautiful.
I learned that my dad's ex slept with about all of muskegon's gay population. And that my dad is more unstable than I thought because he doesn't seem to be afraid of his own behavior. He's writing though. That's beautiful. I wish he wasn't acting like a woman and blaming himself for him.
I could never keep up with my lifestyle back home. Not in the winter. There's nothing to do, so you must drink. and I did, copiously, for a week. I'm exhausted, happy and filled, but exhausted.
I fell in love with a boy for a week. No, it wasn't love. I know that. But, I'd rather be deeply infatuated and intoxicated by someone than in love. I like this stage best, before you possess each other, before you start hating each other, before you decide their responsible for your happiness, before you stop apprectiating who they are. Before you're crazy. This part feels more like love to me. Serendipitous. Big hands, defined clavicles, holding my face and my neck, kissing the corners of my mouth, sad eyes, being romantic, making out anywhere possible, putting makeup on for him, kissing his forehead, getting nervous when he didn't call, being worried that I look pretty, looking at his pictures over and over and over, believing he could really make me happy, everything being new.
And I know it wouldn't have lasted long. We don't have much in common. And while I fall for people very easily, I can't make love stay....I can't make myself stay. Maybe it was that he was a father, and I'm attracted to men that can be fathers because he, who was genetically mine, wasn't. And part of his daughters name is on my right wrist. It seemed like a sign.
Now I'm in Seattle dog sitting, waiting for Derek to get here, which is hours away. Don't ask me about the politics of this. Derek and I aren't even dating because he can't speak to me with respect, even then it wasn't exclusive for months, and yet I know he'll ask who I kissed, who I was with. And I don't want to kiss him because I don't like having more than one man in my heart at a time. And Derek hasn't been there in a while, but we're supposed to be making up and spending time together and figuring out why we can't be together anymore.
We've already fought on the phone because he said he was going to bring his xbox so we could watch movies. I told him there was a dvd player here, and he admitted to wanting to play videogames. And I spazzed. I become such a woman with him. I hate being insane and irrational and feeling hurt all the time.
I need to move on again. I love washington. But I can't live with him here. Nothing's beautiful when he's here.
Where to next?
.