(no subject)
too much.
I hate starbucks. a lot. I fail at being a barista. I just don't care. So fucking what if your triple grande breve 6 pump extra hot vanilla latte's foam isn't fluffy enough. I hate you.
I really miss the wolf sanctuary and summer freckles and the desert. I'm in the process of applying for a volunteer position at a birds of prey sanctuary in Ireland. I want it so badly.
All the job whining aside, yay paychecks. I'm trying not to quit because I need the money. But this job is completely unnecessary and will keep me in Washington alone for christmas since Derek is going back home for the holidays.
Speaking of which, for as stressed out as I am, I'm getting ridiculously irritated at my obsession to be romantically fufilled. He just can't get it right and everything bothers me. Last weekend I told him I was going to the prop 8 protest and he didn't come. I had hoped he'd be passionate about it. I had hoped at the least, he'd want to be there for me since I would be alone and it's a very important issue for me. unfortunately that lead me to forming a crush on Sam, who ended up asking to join me at the protest. That lasted for about a week before I realized he and Erin, my new female roommate whom derek had a crush on and invited to live with the four of us without checking with my comfort level (because of the crush) before hand. So I'm trying to terminate said crush, especially since it's just the result of me hoping someone will give me the attention and emotional support I'm craving, and the notion of a new relationship sounds incredibly sexy to me.
I love Derek. But I feel like I'm not appreciated, that I have to give too much direction, that he's too fucking lazy. right now I feel very guilty because he's cut his hair, and gained more weight (he's always been on the heavy side, but that never bothered me before) and I'm not feeling very sexually attracted to him. And he won't let me take pictures of him anymore. One of the things I love doing most is taking pictures of people, and the boy I find so beautiful gets irritated with me and starts yelling after I take three of him. No muse for me.
I want to be with him, or someone, and feel something amazing again. I want to have sex with a man I respect and care about but can have complete control over everything and leave it casual. I've never had control over sex; it would be nice to just enjoy it. And I want to be with a woman because I want to know what it would feel like. I just want to feel something different than how I feel right now.
He's so beautiful. Everything would be so much easier if he would just be a man and learn to take care of himself and finally just be there for me.