"Friendly Fire"
Fandom: Portal / Team Fortress 2
Characters: Cave Johnson, Caroline, Saxton Hale
Rating: T
Summary: Saxton Hale visits Aperture.
Notes: Quick oneshot inspired by the recent TF2 updates. Nothing special, just a bit of fun.
Disclaimer: Portal, TF2, and all associated characters belong to Valve. I just borrow them for my own sick pleasure.
“Miss Caroline!”
Caroline was just leaving the Robotics lab when someone grabbed her shoulder. She spun around to see a frantic-looking aide behind her. “What is it?”
“It’s Mr. Johnson, ma’am.”
“What about him?” She was immediately on edge. I leave him alone for five minutes -
“He and Mr. Hale are, uh…” The aide wrung nervously at his tie. ”You’ll probably want to get to Test Shaft 03 right away.
“What are they doing?”
The aide told her.
“Oh my god.”
“Hold on a sec, Hale, walkie-talkie’s going off.”
“That secretary of yours again?”
“Yeah, well, y’know how women are. What is it, Caroline? I’m kinda busy.”
“You’d never see me answer to a skirt like that. Not in a million years!”
“It’s not like that - what? No, kiddo, wasn’t talking to you. Look, I gotta go.”
“Saxton Hale doesn’t take orders from anybody! Now watch this one!”
“I said I can’t talk now, Caroline, I’m - goddammit! We said that was off-limits!”
“Saxton Hale doesn’t have limits!”
“Your ass is going down!”
The walkie-talkie clanged against the metal walkway as Cave dropped it. Caroline quickened her pace.
“Hey you! Yeah, you with the dumb glasses! Don’t move, or you’re fired!”
“Sir!”
Cave didn’t even turn. “What the hell is it, Caroline? I told you I’m busy!”
Caroline marched up to him, sidestepping the empty beer bottles that littered the catwalk, and fixed him with a stern look. “What is going on here?”
“What’s it look like?”
She didn’t really want to survey the scene again. Her boss and his business associate stood facing the catwalk railing, looking out over the test shaft, flies open and cocks out. Below, employees who had noticed them scattered to watch from a safe distance. She noticed a few of them bore stained lab coats and shellshocked expressions.
No, she didn’t want a second look.
“Now calm down, little lady,” Hale said in a tone that was more patronizing that pacifying. He cracked open another beer with his teeth, spat the cap over the railing, and chugged half the bottle in one swig. “Nothing wrong here. Your boss was just about to beat my last shot, right?” His head jerked towards the Aperture sign across the way, which dripped suspiciously with yellow liquid.
“Damn right!” Cave pointed decisively at the bespectacled scientist a few yards away, who was still standing frozen like a deer in headlights. “That guy.”
“No chance in hell,” Hale scoffed.
“You think I’m gonna lose to some kangaroo-kissing meathead?”
“How ‘bout you put your pisser where your mouth is?”
“Watch me!”
“Sir!”
Cave was irate as he turned on his secretary. “Goddammit, woman, the reputation of Aperture Science is at stake here!”
“Mr. Johnson - ”
“Let him do it!” Hale laughed. “He isn’t gonna beat me anyway.”
That stopped her. She shot him a glare, opened her mouth to retort - and changed her mind. “Fine. One more. And then I expect the both of you to clean yourselves up and act like adults.”
Cave grinned like a five-year-old. “Damn straight! You watch this. This is how we do it in the good old U S of A!”
The hapless target’s name, Caroline found out later, was Terence Keller. She treated him to lunch after he cleaned the urine off his glasses.