(no subject)
i'm going to have to trot down to dhs tomorrow. see what i can do. see if they have jobs for people with horrible depression and fibro.
sat last night with a flame and a key. heated it up. thought about how much it would hurt against my arm and how good it would feel, shock myself into some semblance of control.
at this point i think it's safe to say that my life is well and truly fucked. sure, i know once the holidays have passed it will be easier, i will start school and Have Something. right now though, it's a job i am about to lose cos i can't stay focused or stop crying or get out of bed, even, not most days.
the death wish just gets so strong.
it is like being punched in the gut, over and over and over until there's nothing but heaving and broken ribs and bone shards and wet wet meat.
i will not move back home. i can't. i'd rather die. home is here now, despite not having anyone.
sat last night with a flame and a key. heated it up. thought about how much it would hurt against my arm and how good it would feel, shock myself into some semblance of control.
at this point i think it's safe to say that my life is well and truly fucked. sure, i know once the holidays have passed it will be easier, i will start school and Have Something. right now though, it's a job i am about to lose cos i can't stay focused or stop crying or get out of bed, even, not most days.
the death wish just gets so strong.
it is like being punched in the gut, over and over and over until there's nothing but heaving and broken ribs and bone shards and wet wet meat.
i will not move back home. i can't. i'd rather die. home is here now, despite not having anyone.