Straight forward
If I cry while stretching my back, ignore that. It hurts to think that this family keeps on giving voice to their bodys ("I can't carry that. This is overload. I'm breaking my back like this.") but maybe they're right. No, say these tears, no, and I'm not sad or crushed or even afraid, I'm angry. Sobbing angrily, damn it all, when did I start to doubt that much. 28 is not old, it's wonderfully young-but-grown, with first wrinkles and backaches and maybe, maybe finally enough life experience to draw on.
“If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream.”
-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
You lose some, you win some. And yes I said yes I would yes. Every year the dreams get bigger and every year I look back, completely astonished - I did all that, how could I not notice? Why do we forget so easily all that we already achieved? Bigger dreams and stronger fears to conquer make us doubt.
“While there’s life, there’s hope.”
-- Cicero
Instead, all the realized dreams and smaller, conquered fears should make me believe more, but they actually don't. Every new day I think this here, this is what they warned us about in school, this is finally it, real life, out to get you, crush you, grind you to glittering sand.
Gods above, yes, debts are Not Good, but it's just money, and no risk no gain.
”Not only is another world possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.”
-- Arundhati Roy
And there it is again, the doubt. "Maybe I just am lazy." This is such a stupid thought. Lifeforms always try to conserve energy, it's the sensible thing to do. You weren't lazy when you had such a hard time to beg a pretty young woman, accomplished, acknowledged and on the other side of the planet, far beyond your reach or cultural instincts for a small piece of paper that would have erased the necessity of debts and made everything possible. No, Dr. Takashina did not answer and maybe it's too late now. How on earth am I supposed to get an official invitation by the (THE) Kyôto Daigaku until the 25th of January? I mailed, I wrote, I mailed again...
“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.”
-- Dale Carnegie
This is not about the money, roughly 3000 Euros, to be exact. This isn't a laughably small matter of two months abroad.
This is about my future. This is about fear, gods, so much fear. This is about dreams and the absolutely existential question of trusting in myself. Will I be able to do this? To walk the world and receive smiles all over? To come home and look at an amount of money that has three zeroes and just shrug?
“It’s not asking the questions, holding the doubts in abeyance, knowing they’re there and can’t be put away, not finally, not ever, but choosing to live beyond them and to trust that life is good - that’s what real wisdom is (…)”
-- David Payne
And then there is this: I don't want to work in a cubicle somewhere and lay down my dreams and talents for somewhat later, and later still, until I'm dead or maybe my talents have walked away, sad and disappointed. I can tell stories. I can look into your eyes and listen and find out what you want to hear, no, what you need to hear right this instant (damnitalltohell why didn't they just let me study psychology). There are people in my head who want their stories to be told, and in the best way possible. And I can sift and compress information and present it in a very concise and understandable way.
“The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.”
-- Allan K. Chalmers
I want to do what I love and can do best, and I want to live by that.
And while everyone always tells you this: This is 'breadless art', you can't live by having fun, you're just not plain good enough for this and even if you were, do you know how many excellent artists/writers/scholars live in poverty and never ever 'make it'?
I really don't think giving up is possible without giving up on myself.
“You're not obligated to win. You're obligated to keep trying to do the best you can every day.”
-- Marian Wright Edelman
I constantly fail to recruit others for my dreams, it seems. "I'm not responsible enough for a project like that." "Yeeeaaaah.... we can try... if you think that's a good idea..." "Okay, but you'll have to poke and motivate me, I'm just lazy by nature." "I don't think I'm in the right place right now." and so on and so on.
“If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.”
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
But I try nonetheless and maybe I have found some people who really like doing creative things that border on hard work.
Here's the catch: That does not make me do what I want and fear to do. That delegates the problem. "It's not me, it's them", I tell myself and it's a lie it's a lie it's all lies and you promised to never lie to yourself again. It's not them. It's not the extra pounds on your belly, it's not the money issues, it's not the (yes, yes, insanely stupid) university bureaucracy, it's not family obligations depressed friends a cat that needs me too much a home that needs so much work a headache or a few bad nights in a row.
It's me. It's deep inside of me. It's still still still fear.
“Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow.”
--- Dorothy Thompson
If I don't ask for help it's that: I'm too afraid to.
If I don't edit this novel to be the polished jewel it could be it's that: I'm afraid to.
If I cry while stretching my back it's that: I'm fucking sick and tired of being afraid.
“Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime,
Therefore, we are saved by hope.”
-- Reinhold Niebuhr
It's not that I don't hope enough, no, I hope plenty. Hope though, hope doesn't achieve anything. Hope is believe with high doubts. Believe is what conquers all, even common sense in some instances.
And I am so fed up with repeating all that to myself (yes I said yes I will and yes I can't even write it again without getting angry with myself), with reminding myself of the hardest most important lesson I ever learned: I! Must! Not! Fear! (I can say that mantra in my sleep, in dreams, where I can't remember how to spell my name or how to operate a phone, but obviously I can't remember this). With explaining to loved ones and packmates how this works while myself not obeying it's rules.
“It is difficult to say what is impossible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow.”
-- Robert H. Goddard
I don't cry right now, I just have a hard line between my eyebrows. Yesterday and the day before a big dream came two steps nearer, and I wasn't happy. Just more afraid.
This is the high wire I walk on, I set the first step on this when I flung myself across the country into this city, without money or knowledge or time or anything perfect, really.
Now I seem to be in the middle, where the vibrations carry the most, where the wind is the strongest and maybe, maybe there is no middle where there is no end to this wire and the wind and the shaking will just get stronger.
I have to get up off the floor anyway. My backache is conquered. Sounds like a good next step.
(with apologies to Quint Buchholz)
“If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream.”
-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
You lose some, you win some. And yes I said yes I would yes. Every year the dreams get bigger and every year I look back, completely astonished - I did all that, how could I not notice? Why do we forget so easily all that we already achieved? Bigger dreams and stronger fears to conquer make us doubt.
“While there’s life, there’s hope.”
-- Cicero
Instead, all the realized dreams and smaller, conquered fears should make me believe more, but they actually don't. Every new day I think this here, this is what they warned us about in school, this is finally it, real life, out to get you, crush you, grind you to glittering sand.
Gods above, yes, debts are Not Good, but it's just money, and no risk no gain.
”Not only is another world possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.”
-- Arundhati Roy
And there it is again, the doubt. "Maybe I just am lazy." This is such a stupid thought. Lifeforms always try to conserve energy, it's the sensible thing to do. You weren't lazy when you had such a hard time to beg a pretty young woman, accomplished, acknowledged and on the other side of the planet, far beyond your reach or cultural instincts for a small piece of paper that would have erased the necessity of debts and made everything possible. No, Dr. Takashina did not answer and maybe it's too late now. How on earth am I supposed to get an official invitation by the (THE) Kyôto Daigaku until the 25th of January? I mailed, I wrote, I mailed again...
“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.”
-- Dale Carnegie
This is not about the money, roughly 3000 Euros, to be exact. This isn't a laughably small matter of two months abroad.
This is about my future. This is about fear, gods, so much fear. This is about dreams and the absolutely existential question of trusting in myself. Will I be able to do this? To walk the world and receive smiles all over? To come home and look at an amount of money that has three zeroes and just shrug?
“It’s not asking the questions, holding the doubts in abeyance, knowing they’re there and can’t be put away, not finally, not ever, but choosing to live beyond them and to trust that life is good - that’s what real wisdom is (…)”
-- David Payne
And then there is this: I don't want to work in a cubicle somewhere and lay down my dreams and talents for somewhat later, and later still, until I'm dead or maybe my talents have walked away, sad and disappointed. I can tell stories. I can look into your eyes and listen and find out what you want to hear, no, what you need to hear right this instant (damnitalltohell why didn't they just let me study psychology). There are people in my head who want their stories to be told, and in the best way possible. And I can sift and compress information and present it in a very concise and understandable way.
“The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.”
-- Allan K. Chalmers
I want to do what I love and can do best, and I want to live by that.
And while everyone always tells you this: This is 'breadless art', you can't live by having fun, you're just not plain good enough for this and even if you were, do you know how many excellent artists/writers/scholars live in poverty and never ever 'make it'?
I really don't think giving up is possible without giving up on myself.
“You're not obligated to win. You're obligated to keep trying to do the best you can every day.”
-- Marian Wright Edelman
I constantly fail to recruit others for my dreams, it seems. "I'm not responsible enough for a project like that." "Yeeeaaaah.... we can try... if you think that's a good idea..." "Okay, but you'll have to poke and motivate me, I'm just lazy by nature." "I don't think I'm in the right place right now." and so on and so on.
“If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.”
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
But I try nonetheless and maybe I have found some people who really like doing creative things that border on hard work.
Here's the catch: That does not make me do what I want and fear to do. That delegates the problem. "It's not me, it's them", I tell myself and it's a lie it's a lie it's all lies and you promised to never lie to yourself again. It's not them. It's not the extra pounds on your belly, it's not the money issues, it's not the (yes, yes, insanely stupid) university bureaucracy, it's not family obligations depressed friends a cat that needs me too much a home that needs so much work a headache or a few bad nights in a row.
It's me. It's deep inside of me. It's still still still fear.
“Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow.”
--- Dorothy Thompson
If I don't ask for help it's that: I'm too afraid to.
If I don't edit this novel to be the polished jewel it could be it's that: I'm afraid to.
If I cry while stretching my back it's that: I'm fucking sick and tired of being afraid.
“Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime,
Therefore, we are saved by hope.”
-- Reinhold Niebuhr
It's not that I don't hope enough, no, I hope plenty. Hope though, hope doesn't achieve anything. Hope is believe with high doubts. Believe is what conquers all, even common sense in some instances.
And I am so fed up with repeating all that to myself (yes I said yes I will and yes I can't even write it again without getting angry with myself), with reminding myself of the hardest most important lesson I ever learned: I! Must! Not! Fear! (I can say that mantra in my sleep, in dreams, where I can't remember how to spell my name or how to operate a phone, but obviously I can't remember this). With explaining to loved ones and packmates how this works while myself not obeying it's rules.
“It is difficult to say what is impossible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow.”
-- Robert H. Goddard
I don't cry right now, I just have a hard line between my eyebrows. Yesterday and the day before a big dream came two steps nearer, and I wasn't happy. Just more afraid.
This is the high wire I walk on, I set the first step on this when I flung myself across the country into this city, without money or knowledge or time or anything perfect, really.
Now I seem to be in the middle, where the vibrations carry the most, where the wind is the strongest and maybe, maybe there is no middle where there is no end to this wire and the wind and the shaking will just get stronger.
I have to get up off the floor anyway. My backache is conquered. Sounds like a good next step.
(with apologies to Quint Buchholz)