love?

[ftpawol]

Ok here it goes i was going out with a girl for 7 months! During those 7 months i was happy, upbeat and outgoing and actually had something to look foreward to wake up to in the morning. About 2 weeks ago it cvame oput that i had cheated on her with my old ex which i know that i have royally fucked up and that i dont deserve a something as special as we had! But the past 2 weeks have been torture for me i will stay out till 2 to 3 in the morning then go in my room and cry myself to sleep. This is an everyday event regardles of how i feel prior. I just feel empty inside like something has been ripped out of me and i will never regain that feeling ever. I love that girl more than anything and i actually believe that i fell HARD for this girl and noone gets that. Then i get people telling me that i can find better or even just find someone else and that i just have to let go. Well guess what thats not happening. If i let go of her i would be letting a part of me go with her. I know this might sound gay or whatever but thats just how i feel. I would do almost anything to get back with her. She means the world to me and when i say that i mean that almost nothing compares to how happy and carefree i am when i was with her, wether it be in my room watching a gay chick flick or out eating dinner at montys or even our fights i really didn't mind because just knowing that i had the perfect girl to be my girlfriend and to be there whenever i had a problem and the same for her. It just sucks so much like i have thought of sucide and all that but ya know i am a pussy and couldn't do it and i believe that that solves nothing. O she is also seeing another guy which me and everyone else that knows steph knows that she likes him and he likes her. That maked it harder on me than even if we were just apart. Like for instance i saw "them" in the mall the other night holding hands and that was the worst i have felt since my father died almost 5 years ago. that might sound stupid saying that but just holdign hands and now there going to a school dance together hurts me and i wanted to go so bad so i would just be able to be with her and hold her and kiss her but no. someone else gets to have her and hold her, kiss her and jsut be with her and i feel like total shit. Steph keeps telling me that she will and wants to get back with me and i believe her with all of my heart right when she tells me but whos to say a week down the road she wont tell me this is it i found someone else which is pretty much she telling me now that she wants to be with me but is with someone else right at the moment. I have just had bad luck with girls telling met he truth before and i know i shouldn't gudge steph by my past but i can't help it and i have the worst feeling that im getting played. but if i tell her this she will get pissed at me and say i dont trust her and that i dont believe her. Which i totally do because i love her so much.. This girl could pretty much walk over me and i would just stand back up and still LOVE her with all of my heart. but thats all cause i know im boring people when i talk about this and i should try to get to bed again..

thanks all for listening!!

~JAKE~