wake up out there!
I was photographed (as were many transmen) this year at Gender Odyssey, by Jana Marcus, a Bay Area photographer doing a show about FTMs. She asked each of us to write a short couple of paragraphs about what it means to me to be a man, to become a man. Here's my unedited spew. I thought it might stimulate this sleepy cast :)
"I thought men were completely incidental and insignificant…and then I became one. I thought men were simple and barbaric and stupid. But slowly, as my body changed, so did my mind - my physical mind, my brain chemistry. And as it did, so did my thoughts. Out of the transformation resulting from the hormonal surge and completely altered sex drive, I was a new man in the world. Everything was different.
As such, I saw the inner ways of how men are, and I began understanding things I never could get my head around before. For instance, instead of seeing men in a homogeneous manner, they became distinct and unique and typed. I saw there were many different types of men. So I was freed to become who I am and not try to fit some media version of the “ultra-man”.
I also became acutely aware of how a significant surge in sex-drive can become an overwhelming daily, sometimes hourly management issue. All kidding aside, it's like a powerful drug that alters you in ways women cannot even imagine! It is profound. It is physical and psychological. And it is WAY underestimated in women's understanding.
I also began to see men painfully shackled by societal “norms” and mysandry. My perception has brought me to fear that women’s liberation has now taken a wrong turn and now men have become the brunt end of the sitcom jokes and women’s bathroom talk. Don’t forget - I know what women say about men - I was there!
Stupid men. Buffoon fathers who are too inept to know how to change a diaper or make lunch for their kids. The sex-hypnotized man who has no brain if a beautiful woman is in the room. Men are pigs. Men are rapists. Men are responsible for all the bad and evil in the world.
It’s fun to play with stereotypes. I get that. But the truth is, men are demonized and vastly under-rated. It’s hurting all of us, and women seem to not get it or care. It’s funner and easier to make fun of their “simple ways” and feel superior - ironic to me - the very thing women were fighting 20-30 years ago. The pendulum has swung the other way.
It will take brave, contemplative women to correct this imbalance.
Personally, my deepest image of a “man” comes in reaction to the man my father was not. For example, I want to have a backbone. I want to be genuinely respected. I want to be strong - in a real way - not the Marlboro-man cardboard image. I respect - and thus want to be, a man who is kind and patient in his power. A man who knows the real power of gentleness, and uses it to instruct his children. A man who knows what he wants, and moves with grace, intelligence and mindfulness, to draw it from the world. A man who champions those less fortunate and will put his life on the line for what he believes in.
Instinctively I knew, I would be no push-over. I would align myself with what I know to be true deep inside me, and live from the inside out, consequences be dammed. I would spend my respect on women - and men - who respected me. I would not cower to cheap ideals of manhood, but neither would I sacrifice my weakness for a false sense of strength. I saw early on, that becoming a man is not a given, it is something you must earn. So I set my course accordingly. Intuitively, I knew I must “earn it” in my own eyes first, before I “earn it” in another’s. But the truth is, once I’ve “earned it” in my own eyes, I see I no longer need the world’s approval.
That’s all I have to say for now.
"I thought men were completely incidental and insignificant…and then I became one. I thought men were simple and barbaric and stupid. But slowly, as my body changed, so did my mind - my physical mind, my brain chemistry. And as it did, so did my thoughts. Out of the transformation resulting from the hormonal surge and completely altered sex drive, I was a new man in the world. Everything was different.
As such, I saw the inner ways of how men are, and I began understanding things I never could get my head around before. For instance, instead of seeing men in a homogeneous manner, they became distinct and unique and typed. I saw there were many different types of men. So I was freed to become who I am and not try to fit some media version of the “ultra-man”.
I also became acutely aware of how a significant surge in sex-drive can become an overwhelming daily, sometimes hourly management issue. All kidding aside, it's like a powerful drug that alters you in ways women cannot even imagine! It is profound. It is physical and psychological. And it is WAY underestimated in women's understanding.
I also began to see men painfully shackled by societal “norms” and mysandry. My perception has brought me to fear that women’s liberation has now taken a wrong turn and now men have become the brunt end of the sitcom jokes and women’s bathroom talk. Don’t forget - I know what women say about men - I was there!
Stupid men. Buffoon fathers who are too inept to know how to change a diaper or make lunch for their kids. The sex-hypnotized man who has no brain if a beautiful woman is in the room. Men are pigs. Men are rapists. Men are responsible for all the bad and evil in the world.
It’s fun to play with stereotypes. I get that. But the truth is, men are demonized and vastly under-rated. It’s hurting all of us, and women seem to not get it or care. It’s funner and easier to make fun of their “simple ways” and feel superior - ironic to me - the very thing women were fighting 20-30 years ago. The pendulum has swung the other way.
It will take brave, contemplative women to correct this imbalance.
Personally, my deepest image of a “man” comes in reaction to the man my father was not. For example, I want to have a backbone. I want to be genuinely respected. I want to be strong - in a real way - not the Marlboro-man cardboard image. I respect - and thus want to be, a man who is kind and patient in his power. A man who knows the real power of gentleness, and uses it to instruct his children. A man who knows what he wants, and moves with grace, intelligence and mindfulness, to draw it from the world. A man who champions those less fortunate and will put his life on the line for what he believes in.
Instinctively I knew, I would be no push-over. I would align myself with what I know to be true deep inside me, and live from the inside out, consequences be dammed. I would spend my respect on women - and men - who respected me. I would not cower to cheap ideals of manhood, but neither would I sacrifice my weakness for a false sense of strength. I saw early on, that becoming a man is not a given, it is something you must earn. So I set my course accordingly. Intuitively, I knew I must “earn it” in my own eyes first, before I “earn it” in another’s. But the truth is, once I’ve “earned it” in my own eyes, I see I no longer need the world’s approval.
That’s all I have to say for now.