Dilemma.
Okay...here's the situation. In my current job, I'm working as a web design contractor; however, I'm basically treated like a regular employee, just without all the benefits. (In other words, I have all the obligations of a regular employee, but none of the perks.) The only thing I get out of this is a "safe" place to transition and a gauranteed 40 hours a week, which is the only reason I accept such shit pay (that and I was desperate for a job at the time; I'm making $10 an hour, when the lowest average in my field is generally $15 an hour, especially for contractors). This was a possible temp to hire; however, I've recently been told that because my manager can't keep up with me to make sure I have enough work to give me 40 hours a week, on January 6th I'm officially part-time, working on a project-by-project basis, which could give me anywhere from 8-20 hours per week of work, or else nil when my manager's running behind. The plus side to this is that I get to work as a normal contractor instead of a shafted semi-employee; I work from home, set my own hours, and we'll negotiate a better pay rate.
The bad part about this?
I will no longer be making enough to support myself, and the fact that I just started T two weeks ago has me backed into a corner.
I don't know what to do. My voice has just started dropping significantly (I'm getting the "do you have a cold?" question regularly, my boss actually didn't recognize me by sound yesterday, and listening to a pre-T voice recording from November 19th, the difference is a lot more shocking than I thought it would be), and it's going to drop more probably in the next week or so. But. Despite that, I don't pass very well. My face is too feminine, and always will be; my physique, thankfully, was already tall, broad-shouldered, and fairly masculine, but there's still slight curves there that the T is taking its sweet time about redistributing. I've been sending out resumes as Adrien, with the name at the top reading "A.C. "Adrien" S******", so I'm not presenting a false identity, as I haven't had my name changed yet ("A.C." is my first two initials from my birth name, and sometimes I've used it as my semi-male name, since I know of quite a few bio males who call themselves A.C.)....but what it comes down to is that I'm stuck in the middle. I can't quite pass as male; but I can't quite pass as female, especially with my voice deepening, and I don't want to, as the idea of putting on a skirt and high heels to go interview literally makes me ill, and the last time I had to leave the apartment unbound I kept my arms folded over my chest protectively because "swinging free" made me feel paranoid, naked, and just abnormal. (Hell, I had to put on a pair of my old girljeans the other morning while everything else was in the wash, and I just felt wrong.) Plus right now I don't even have any decent masculine interview clothes; everything I have is female, and I can't buy anything until I get paid on the 15th...but I can't wait that long to start applying for jobs, I don't have that kind of time to waste.
I can just see myself going into an interview with myself all dressed up nice and neat in blouse, slacks, and loafers, passing at least well enough that while they think I'm a little "squirrelly", they still accept me as male....and then we get down to the ID part of it and suddenly they see a female name and the "F" on my ID and that's it...I'm screwed. They either pass me over or they insist that I revert to the feminine. Most of my qualifications are more towards the corporate area, when it comes to steady work (I don't consider web design steady work, as it's always like this, contracted on-again off-again); I'm pretty much only fit to be a data analyst like I was before, or some other kind of clerical work, possibly network, or technical writing, QA/QC. That's if I want to make decent money....I'm thinking about maybe...submerging for a while, going into security or something like that, the kind of job where all you need is to have passed high school (I've graduated college), be a certain age, and not have a criminal record, and they'll take you so long as there's a warm body to fill the seat. The pay's lower, but with the part-time work from my current job I'd be okay. But it's embarrassing...not that there's anything wrong with that kind of job, and it's perfectly respectable, just....I guess I've always seen myself as the career intellectual type; and I can't help but imagine my sisters, one a corporate high-brow, the other a lawyer, and me, the artist, the one who had to be different, the disappointment, and my mother's sneering face, pleasure at my failure to succeed as anything other than manual labor. But going into security or warehouse work would give me a safer place to transition, and less questions asked in the interview process, etc...
...and yet my past qualifications (all of my jobs have been desk jobs, hell, before this I was making $14.50 an hour straight out of college) often cause me to get looked over because they think I'll want too much, etc.
Just...bleh. The whole point of this was....should I just...try to pull this off as male? Or do I yank out the skirt and high heels, stop taking my T shots (god, please, no, I can't stand going back to being moody and depressed all the time; even in two weeks, the marked change in my mental clarity and stability has been a much-needed blessing), and just go charging back in as my birth self, albeit awkwardly, and resign my true self to "off time"?
I have an appointment with my therapist (and a job interview with a security company on the same day, which worries me, as I plan to go bound and dressed male but I have to bring my ID and social security card, which means there'll be questions and explanations up front) next Friday, and I want to talk to her about it as well....but....I wanted to get a few opinions from you guys, as I know a lot of you have gone through this as well, and the difficulties of being accepted on a new job when transitioning.
Thanks,
-Adrien
The bad part about this?
I will no longer be making enough to support myself, and the fact that I just started T two weeks ago has me backed into a corner.
I don't know what to do. My voice has just started dropping significantly (I'm getting the "do you have a cold?" question regularly, my boss actually didn't recognize me by sound yesterday, and listening to a pre-T voice recording from November 19th, the difference is a lot more shocking than I thought it would be), and it's going to drop more probably in the next week or so. But. Despite that, I don't pass very well. My face is too feminine, and always will be; my physique, thankfully, was already tall, broad-shouldered, and fairly masculine, but there's still slight curves there that the T is taking its sweet time about redistributing. I've been sending out resumes as Adrien, with the name at the top reading "A.C. "Adrien" S******", so I'm not presenting a false identity, as I haven't had my name changed yet ("A.C." is my first two initials from my birth name, and sometimes I've used it as my semi-male name, since I know of quite a few bio males who call themselves A.C.)....but what it comes down to is that I'm stuck in the middle. I can't quite pass as male; but I can't quite pass as female, especially with my voice deepening, and I don't want to, as the idea of putting on a skirt and high heels to go interview literally makes me ill, and the last time I had to leave the apartment unbound I kept my arms folded over my chest protectively because "swinging free" made me feel paranoid, naked, and just abnormal. (Hell, I had to put on a pair of my old girljeans the other morning while everything else was in the wash, and I just felt wrong.) Plus right now I don't even have any decent masculine interview clothes; everything I have is female, and I can't buy anything until I get paid on the 15th...but I can't wait that long to start applying for jobs, I don't have that kind of time to waste.
I can just see myself going into an interview with myself all dressed up nice and neat in blouse, slacks, and loafers, passing at least well enough that while they think I'm a little "squirrelly", they still accept me as male....and then we get down to the ID part of it and suddenly they see a female name and the "F" on my ID and that's it...I'm screwed. They either pass me over or they insist that I revert to the feminine. Most of my qualifications are more towards the corporate area, when it comes to steady work (I don't consider web design steady work, as it's always like this, contracted on-again off-again); I'm pretty much only fit to be a data analyst like I was before, or some other kind of clerical work, possibly network, or technical writing, QA/QC. That's if I want to make decent money....I'm thinking about maybe...submerging for a while, going into security or something like that, the kind of job where all you need is to have passed high school (I've graduated college), be a certain age, and not have a criminal record, and they'll take you so long as there's a warm body to fill the seat. The pay's lower, but with the part-time work from my current job I'd be okay. But it's embarrassing...not that there's anything wrong with that kind of job, and it's perfectly respectable, just....I guess I've always seen myself as the career intellectual type; and I can't help but imagine my sisters, one a corporate high-brow, the other a lawyer, and me, the artist, the one who had to be different, the disappointment, and my mother's sneering face, pleasure at my failure to succeed as anything other than manual labor. But going into security or warehouse work would give me a safer place to transition, and less questions asked in the interview process, etc...
...and yet my past qualifications (all of my jobs have been desk jobs, hell, before this I was making $14.50 an hour straight out of college) often cause me to get looked over because they think I'll want too much, etc.
Just...bleh. The whole point of this was....should I just...try to pull this off as male? Or do I yank out the skirt and high heels, stop taking my T shots (god, please, no, I can't stand going back to being moody and depressed all the time; even in two weeks, the marked change in my mental clarity and stability has been a much-needed blessing), and just go charging back in as my birth self, albeit awkwardly, and resign my true self to "off time"?
I have an appointment with my therapist (and a job interview with a security company on the same day, which worries me, as I plan to go bound and dressed male but I have to bring my ID and social security card, which means there'll be questions and explanations up front) next Friday, and I want to talk to her about it as well....but....I wanted to get a few opinions from you guys, as I know a lot of you have gone through this as well, and the difficulties of being accepted on a new job when transitioning.
Thanks,
-Adrien