oneshot; All About Moi
title: All About Moi
pairings: key (SHINee)/seunghyun, blink-and-miss-it jonghun/seunghyun
genre: humor/romance
rating: pg-13 (15-ish?)
warning: BL ( as in boys love. I don't care if you're religious or homophobic or whatever. If you don't like, please kindly skip this fic), OOC key, mentions of date-with-rosie-palms, boxers/briefs/undies/undergarments/wth?, and many errors.
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“…hey, hyung?” Lee Taemin peered up.
Kim Jonghyun didn’t bother to look up to his maknae, focusing on the doorbell. “Yep?”
“Do you think Key-hyung’s losing his screws? Well, not that he doesn’t already, but-“
“Hello~? I’m right here!” Kim Kibum-or Key, as he preferred to be called-waving his manicured hand in front of the aegyo blonde maknae. “I can hear every word you’re saying.”
“Exactly!” Taemin chirped. “That makes this the perfect opportunity to question your non-existing sanity. I mean, come on, hyung! We’re shining SHINee, for God’s sake.” He exclaimed, throwing his arms in the air for emphasis.
Key inspected his handmade vest for a speck of dust before brushing it off. “…and this brought up a conversation regarding my mental state how?”
The Michael Jackson fanatic turned to them with an annoyed expression. “Do we really have to do this, Key? It’s bad enough knowing you’re a closet pervert and now we’re stooping so low. Can’t you ask that friend of yours to do it?”
Key pulled out his cellphone and pointed at it. “Last time I told Jaejin, he had the nerve to laugh at me, and I resent that comment about me being a pervert!” he stated which Jonghyun rolled his eyes at.
“I can see why.” Taemin deadpanned.
“So we’ll have to take matters to our own hands.”
“No, really?”
“As well as bringing the object home safely.”
“Oh, ha-ha, a good laugh on that one.”
“Taemin, if you’re looking for an opportunity to out-snark me, take a train to the South Pole and come back in ten years.”
Taemin laughed at his diva hyung’s face and once again threw his arms in the air. “Really, hyung? You dragged us out here to help you, so the least you can do is let me have the decency to attack you verbally. Come on, we’re SHINee and we’re here, in front of FT Island’s dorm, to steal a pair of Song Seunghyun’s boxers!”
“Undergarments,” Key corrected.
Taemin shifted his eyes and pointed an accusing finger at the lead dancer. “You’re just saying that because you’re hoping he wears briefs,” he muttered.
“…and I thought you’re here to help out of the kindness of your hearts?” he fake-whimpered.
“No, we’re helping you because we’re scared of the result of the combination of your Lady Gaga fanatics and hairstyling hobby.” Jonghyun muttered, still deciding whether or not to ring the doorbell.
“Oh, just shut up and press it!”
“Can’t you get off in another way? Or perhaps, don’t get off at all?”
“Hyung, how cruel of you! I’m a man. I have needs.”
This made Taemin giggle. “No one can tell with your fashion sense.”
“You.” Key pointed at his maknae. “Zip it.” Taemin did as he was told and made a gesture of zipping his mouth shut, gave an OK sign with his fingers, and shrugged. Key then turned to Jonghyun and snarled, “And hyung, if you don’t want to spend three hours being my dress-up doll, I suggest you start pushing.”
Bling Bling Jonghyun finally pushed the doorbell whilst mumbling something along the lines, ‘risking a friend rather than himself.’
“Hey, I heard that!” Almighty Key retorted. “At least I’m not worried about breaking a nail! …I think.”
-
Fabulous was his middle name.
Well, technically, it’s Ki. It worked as a pronunciation to his stage name. But, hey, if fabulous double means as his actual stage name, who was he to complain?
Key had always been the diva, the fashionista, the diamond of SHINee. He had also proven worthy of the title by victoriously kicking Seunghyun’s derrière in Idol Maknae Rebellion-not in literal sense, but he wouldn’t mind. SHINee had kicked his pathetic team’s chance in plenty of ways which includes impromptu dancing, rapping, trivia questions, roof file punching and more. It was only natural that he gains something from the aforementioned loser, preferably something he could use as blackmail.
But Key wouldn’t stoop so low. No, he only wanted Seunghyun’s undergarments to masturbate to.
To SHINee’s lead dancer, Seunghyun didn’t look half bad. In fact, he was considerately pretty-if him crossdressing as Lady Gaga/Bi Rain/lobster/rock star/whatever-wannabe-girl was anything to go by. While everybody else was gawking at Dongho or Yunhwa, he masked his amazement at Seunghyun by laughing until he nearly wheezed. Key cursed the day golden leggings were invited. He would decompose in his grave while denying this little statement in his head, though, at least in public.
In his defense, the FT Island maknae was the one who started it. The chestnut color-haired boy knew his body was unbelievably stiff, but nooo, he had to call Key out and challenge him to a dancing match. Despite this, Seunghyun should’ve called quits, but again, nooo. He had to go all-out until the crossdressing event and went all ‘actor’ on everybody. Eventually SHINee had to call it quits and they needed to go. His band mates had emergency calls to the bathroom while he was in another case. Song Seunghyun’s act was too much for his vision, not to mention his hormones.
Song Seunghyun tried to steal his limelight. His limelight.
And that made him felt bothered. Felt something he never felt before: the need to dominate.
There were actually more than just Seunghyun who tried at the show, but the guitarist stood out the most. At first Key just wanted to straighten the fact that Seunghyun didn’t beat him and tell him ‘who’s top dog now’ before it all pent up into a feeling similar to infatuation and ridiculous need of… sexual urges.
The latter, non-important information has brought the three SHINee members to FT Island’s dorm on a mission to retrieve the rhythm guitarist’s genital covering, in hopes that will relieve the Almighty Key’s depressed state and inability to orgasm. After plenty of 3Bs-begging, bribing, and blackmailing-he reeled in Lee Taemin and Kim Jonghyun in his hopeless progress, with Taemin distracting Lee Jaejin, Song Seunghyun, and Choi Minhwan while the other distracted the older band members.
…speaking of which.
Taemin was having a comical conversation with FTI’s drummer while the goat snored in his place, knowing full-well that this was Key’s idea. Actually, he didn’t agree on the fact that his friend was, in a repressed manner of speaking, disrupting his maknae’s territory. He could understand Key’s pain, though, so he just went along with it. He sent Seunghyun on an errand a few minutes ago.
…he thought he forgot to mention something to him on the phone last time he called him though. In his defense, he was too busy laughing. And wheezing. And clutching his stomach whilst rolling on the floor.
On the other hand, Jonghyun was having a slightly difficult time talking to Lee Hongki. Choi Jonghun would’ve made this easier, but said leader had to take a nap and the diva vocalist warned him to not even try waking him up. Actually Jonghun waking up was even better than dragging Hongki out of his bed, but he muttered something about hangover and acerbic tongue and slips about vodka and storage of axes. ‘Was Choi Jonghun legal?’ Jonghyun thought.
“So…” Hongki was the first one to speak up. Well, he is the face of the band, after all. Where would he be without his loquaciousness? Why, he even watched a few of FTI’s episodes and Hongki was the one who talked most. Hongki will surely do his job for him without ever knowing. Key would have his panty-hunting-epic-failure-mission done and over with and he’ll be back home in no time! “What are your hobbies?”
…
So much for loquaciousness.
But what the heck, he’s a lot like Key in a twisted, stomach-hurling way. Maybe this would be a cinch. “…umm, I like dancing,” he chirped.
“I hate dancing.” Hongki stabbed him with his brutal honesty. Oh, crap.
-
‘Where did Jaejin say his room was again?’ Key thought, tapping his chin for emphasis of thinking moment. He tilted his head to the right and bolted right in. Not many of these doors have Angry Birds plushies stickered to them.
Almighty Key has reached base one. Too bad he had to resist the urge to dance in the middle Seunghyun’s room. “Okay, just open a drawer and grab one, Key,” he huffed to himself. He did so and started opening a few closets and cupboards until he pulled on a certain drawer, he was greeted by the jackpot.
Plaid and cotton. Plain colored. Silky and classy. All of them.
Key certainly wouldn’t mind dying right then and there.
It’s time for base two. SHINee’s lead dancer swiftly grabbed one of the aforementioned undergarments and tucked it behind his vest. Key certainly had Lady Luck on his side that day. Unfortunately, fate, God, and whatever spirits in the sky must’ve hated him or at least enjoyed laughing at the boy’s miserable, miserable outcome.
“What are you doing?”
Oh, no.
The sleeping giant has woken up and caught him red-handed tucking Seunghyun’s undergarment behind his vest, no less.
Was this how Seunghyun felt when he was caught hands down wearing Hongki’s underpants? Granted, the rapper must’ve felt a gazillion times worse since he was actually wearing them and was forced to strip it off, but still. He didn’t know anything anymore. Taking a quick glance at the leader leaning against doorway, Key took a slow one-eighty turn at him and put up a bright smile, doing what he does best: playing aegyo and pretending not to know anything. Well, aside from role-playing as caring and doting mother, that is.
“Why, Choi Jonghun~! What are you doing here? You totally love me enough to pay me a visit, huh?”
Jonghun raised a slim eyebrow and scoffed. “It’s my dorm, thus my home and my band mates’ room,” he replied, saying every syllable slowly to intimidate Key. “More importantly, what are you doing with Minhwan’s boxers?”
Cue record screech.
“Min…hwan’s?” Key repeated, pulling out the boxers behind his vest and did a once over at it.
That can’t be! Minhwan’s the youngest maknae out of all FTI, right? Youngest maknae can’t possibly have plaid boxers. They’re supposed to have cartoonish, tackily bright-colored ones! Heck, even Taemin still has a pair of those that he thought Key knew nothing about. Well, how could that be? He’s a mother, so he does the laundry. Well, actually he just collected the dirty ones and delivered them to the laundry and dry-cleaning store one block away, but that information is not important in the long run. Moreover, isn't this Seunghyun's room?
“What, you think Minhwan wears dorky Hello Kitty boxers or something like that?”
Key didn’t pay attention to Jonghun’s later retort and shifted his eyes to the sign on the door.
Right below the Angry Bird plushie, was a wooden plank that he didn’t notice-and should have noticed-earlier.
Seunghyun and Minhwan’s:
Welcome.
(Keep out if you have no importance and epic awesomeness like the owners of the room.)
…
Well.
Base three: escaping. Major fail.
After a moment of silence in which Key was sure he was hallucinating about tumbleweed rolling by in front of him, he decided this was the time of battle against his own instincts-fight or flight?
Translation: stay and try to explain to Jonghun who looked like he was about to beat him to a pulp and deposit him to a nearby trashcan whilst incinerated his chance to have imaginary Seunghyun on his bed (double risks: he don’t get to orgasm and ruin his morning facial) or get the hell out A to the SAP, saving himself from further embarrassment and threats of a shredding pride (completely unnecessary, since he didn’t think he had any left.)
He didn’t even have to think.
Key dumped the boxers on Jonghun’s shoulder, slipped through the doorway quite easily, waved goodbye to Jonghun, called out to both Jonghyun and Taemin, and made a beeline to Jonghyun’s car. Key didn’t even notice Seunghyun coming back from the supermarket with bottles of soy milk in hand, wearing only a pair of knee-high shorts and a band tee, waving at him.
The rapper just shrugged at the non-existent acknowledgement, completely oblivious of the chaos caused regarding his undies. Not like Jonghun would have the heart to reveal that Jaejin’s flamboyant friend has the hots for him--or so he suspected. Jonghun was quite observant to note that Minhwan's boxers were not what Key was looking, but whatever. The lesser rivals to encounter in winning Seunghyun’s heart, the better.
-
“-so then I said to him, ‘are you always wearing that happy-face everywhere you go?’ and then Minhwan said ‘no, this is just my neutral face. Throw in a pack of squirrels equipped with nuclear weaponry to take over the world and give me a lifetime supply of fried chickens, and then I’ll be happy.'”
Taemin was the only one who laughed at joke while Jonghyun laughed bitterly and Key was, for the lack of better term, pensive. He flipped his phone open and shut for a few minutes before dialing Jaejin’s number. He’d like to have a word.
“Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that he was in the same room as Minhwan. Though that info is actually worldwide if you look it up, Key. I mean, even the Primadonnas knew. “
“Jaejin, you totally owe me.”
“Well, okay, fine. I’ll grab Seunghyun’s undergarments for you.”
“Shhh! Not so loud! What if Jonghun-hyung heard you?”
“Wha-oh. Just wait for a little bit, I’ll be there. But you know, Key…” Jaejin started to chuckle.
“What?”
“This wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t too kinky about getting inside Seunghyun’s pants.”
“Just get me his freaking undies!”
“Don’t you mean undergarments?”
By this time, Jaejin was cackling. This, of course, didn’t make Key feel any better. SHINee’s lead dancer has had enough of that day’s catastrophe and flipped the dial off. He proceeded to sulk on SHINee’s kitchen with his head hung low. This caught a few of the member’s attention, with Jonghyun pretending not to know anything and left the kitchen before Key got to attack him, Taemin poking on Key’s still body before leaving as well in fear that Key’s demon spirit will forever haunt him, and both Onew and Minho brushing his attitude off as worldwide PMS epidemic.
That being said, Jaejin didn’t left until half an hour after Key cut off the dial and spend the time after laughing and rolling on the floor for the second time.
-
PS: Ho-yay mentions are pure humor only. Also, Key and SHINee fans, please don't annihilate me!