The Kiss (Part 3)
JongHun sat quietly in thought as his fellow band members laughed and joked in the kitchen. HongKi seemed truly happy but, occasionally, he would cast a look of concern at JongHun. JongHun sighed. He wanted to celebrate with them but he couldn’t think of anything but the sound of that one bad note. It was as though all of his feelings for HongKi, everything he had been suppressing, hit him with that one jarring sound. He had to sort out his feelings before this got out of hand. JongHun knew that he couldn’t easily rid his heart of romantic sentiments. His previous “crushes” had lasted for years at a time. It was very difficult for JongHun to change his mind once his heart was set on someone. However, he had to find a way to sort his feelings before HongKi became too embedded in his heart. He looked at HongKi. How could he have feelings for another man? What made HongKi different? His question was answered when HongKi laughed in response to something that JaeJin had said. The corners of his mouth turned into the most warm and sincere smile JongHun had ever seen. HongKi’s eyes sparkled; they seemed to smile even more than his mouth did. That was what JongHun loved about HongKi: he was sincere. Never afraid to express his feelings, HongKi had a depth and sensitivity to him and, although JongHun shared the sensitive part, he was unable to freely express his emotions in the way that HongKi could. HongKi was never afraid to smile or cry or scream. That was why his performances were so captivating. That’s why he was so captivating…
JongHun swallowed and lowered his head into his hands. God, he needed another glass of that sake. A voice echoed his thoughts, “Need a bit of this?”
JongHun lifted his head and saw HongKi standing over him with the bottle of sake. JongHun exhaled and nodded. HongKi sat beside him and his bare arm brushed against JongHun’s. A chill ran down JongHun’s back in response to HongKi’s touch. He held out his glass and HongKi poured the sake. The alcohol burned the back of JongHun’s throat as he gulped it down. HongKi poured him another.
“JongHun…it’s okay. I mean, I doubt anyone noticed. Remember when I practically lost my voice and still was stupid enough to perform?” JongHun let out a small laugh, but his gaze was locked on the drink in his hands. He gripped it so tightly his fingers became slippery with sweat against the glass cup. HongKi continued. “I know it’s hard. Not fun. But our fans are forgiving; they aren’t going to care if you missed a note. Even if they did notice, I’m sure they’ll just find it cute and love you all the more.” HongKi smiled and twisted his body sideways to look up at JongHun’s face. JongHun sat up abruptly.
“Yeah…you’re right.” But HongKi’s words didn’t lessen the sinking feeling in JongHun’s stomach. His despondency wasn’t a result of the performance; JongHun knew the wrong note wasn’t a big deal. That wasn’t really why he felt upset. It was because of the boy sitting next to him. The face that he couldn’t seem to erase from his mind. The laugh that echoed through his thoughts. He couldn’t even pinpoint where the playfulness had turned into flirting, where the friendship had turned into love. It seemed as soon as JongHun realized where his heart was leading him, it was too late to turn back. Now, JongHun couldn’t even look at HongKi without feeling a surge of…feeling. He didn’t even know how to describe it. It was a mixture of sadness, nervousness, anxiety, adrenaline, peacefulness, and…maybe even love. JongHun finished off another glass of sake. At least the alcohol seemed to take the edge off.
“Hey, take it easy.” HongKi laughed. “Or at least wait for me to catch up.” HongKi chugged back his own glass and leaned back in the chair, stretching him arm behind JongHun’s back. JongHun knew he needed to get out of there. He poured himself more sake, swung it back and stood up.
“I need some fresh air.” The room was moving around him and JongHun didn’t know if it was from the sake, or from being around HongKi. Probably a bit of both. He walked towards the front door and left the house, not bothering to change out of his slippers. JongHun let the door close behind him but HongKi’s hand pushed it back open.
“I’m coming with you. You’re too drunk to wander outside by yourself. You’re gonna walk out into traffic.”
JongHun stopped.
“I need to be alone.” He said firmly, refusing to look at HongKi.
HongKi walked forward.
“Well, can you at least tell me what's wrong? I’ve never seen you so upset…Is this really just because of your mistake on stage? Is there something else going on?” HongKi pressed.
JongHun couldn’t take anymore. He spun around and glared at HongKi.
“No! It’s not because of MY mistake!” He shouted. “It’s because of you! You made me screw up because you were trying to distract me! You think this is funny?! Some sort of game?! God, you’re so childish. We worked hard for that performance, so next time, let’s try to focus on our own part, instead of trying to get a few extra cheers at MY expense!”
JongHun felt his emotions boiling over as he yelled at HongKi. He hadn’t meant to sound so harsh but he couldn’t control it any more. HongKi stood still. His face had an expression of hurt and confusion.
“I…I’m sorry…” HongKi mumbled.
HongKi’s lips pressed together as he tried to hold back the tears that's were welling up in his eyes. JongHun had never spoken to him that way before.
JongHun wanted to leave, to run away into the dark streets, but his feet were planted in the ground. He couldn’t leave HongKi alone, standing there with tears in his eyes. A wave of guilt passed over JongHun.
“Look…I’m sorry. That came out wrong. It’s okay.” JongHun stumbled over his words.
The two stood still for several moments, not sure what was to do or say.
HongKi broke the silence, “I…I should go back inside.”
He turned and opened the door.
“Wait.” JongHun heard himself say.
He wasn’t sure whether he stopped HongKi because he didn’t want the other guys to question HongKi about why he was crying, or because he couldn’t let HongKi leave without telling him what was on his heart.
JongHun walked toward HongKi.
“I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled.”
HongKi’s eyes looked up at JongHun. “Its my fault. You’re right. I shouldn’t have distracted you. Sorry.”
“Forget it. It’s alright.” JongHun tried to reassure HongKi.
HongKi turned to enter the house, then stopped.
“JongHun.”
“Yeah?”
“Is…is this about last night? I’m really sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. I don’t know what came over me. Anyway, you’re my best friend and I don’t want to do anything to compromise that. So, if I did-if I crossed any lines-I’m sorry.”
HongKi blinked and tears tumbled down his cheeks. JongHun couldn’t take it anymore. He reached for HongKi, hesitantly, then wrapped his arms around HongKi’s shaking body. JongHun held HongKi, trying to hold back the tears that were forming in his own eyes. JongHun rested his head on HongKi’s hair. He felt HongKi’s tears soak through his shirt. JongHun wanted so badly to tell HongKi how much he cared about him, how HongKi made his heart feel warm, how he just wanted to be close to him forever, but he couldn’t find the words.
Out of the corner of his eye, JongHun saw movement in the window of the house. The others were probably wondering what they were up to. JongHun just wanted to be alone with HongKi, without having to worry about the judgments of others. When HongKi stopped crying and fell silent in JongHun’s embrace, JongHun cleared his throat.
“Do you want to go for a walk somewhere?” He asked quietly.
JongHun felt HongKi nod. JongHun released his embrace. He ran his fingers through his own hair and sighed, taking a few steps forward. HongKi followed and the two walked away from the house in silence.
JongHun looked up at the dark sky as he walked. He wasn’t sure what he was doing. He didn’t know what he should say or do in HongKi’s presence.
We’ve been best friends for years, he thought, what changed? …Maybe HongKi wasn’t the one who had changed; maybe it was me, thought JongHun.
He realized he wasn’t being fair to his friend. After all, HongKi had no knowledge of his true feelings. JongHun knew it wasn’t fair to mess with HongKi’s emotions like this.
They came across a small park and JongHun sat on nearby wooden bench. HongKi stuffed his hands in his pockets and sat down beside JongHun.
HongKi sighed and broke the silence. “Can you at least tell me what’s going on? I’m worried about you.”
JongHun turned away.
HongKi continued, “Look, it’s just the two of us here, kay? No one else. Whatever is said will stay between us. You’ve talked to me about everything. I don’t know what’s wrong now but, if you tell me about it, we can work it out.”
“I…can’t” JongHun managed to say.
HongKi touched JongHun’s knee.
“Then I need to know…did…did what I did last night bother you? If it did, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I just did what I felt…”
HongKi’s honesty made JongHun feel a surge of guilt. Maybe HongKi knew more about JongHun’s feelings than he thought. JongHun closed his eyes.
“It should have bothered me more…” He said under his breath.
“What?” HongKi looked up at JongHun questioningly.
JongHun sighed and rubbed his eyes. He wished he knew how HongKi really felt. He still didn’t know whether the cuddling, or even the kiss, was just fooling around or if HongKi actually felt as strongly as JongHun did. All the same, he needed to get this off his chest. He needed HongKi to know that it wasn’t just a game for him. JongHun looked in HongKi’s eyes.
“No, it didn’t bother me. That's what’s bothering me…”
HongKi remained quiet. JongHun’s face turned red. Oh great, now I’ve scared him off. What if he doesn’t want to even be friends with me anymore? I could have just put the group in jeopardy. JongHun’s mind was racing. He felt foolish. Babo. Babo, Babo, Babo, Babo, Babo, he said to himself. Why won’t HongKi say something?
Suddenly HongKi’s eyes smiled and he let out a small laugh.
“What?” JongHun asked nervously.
HongKi sighed. “I was worried I ruined our friendship by…what I did. I’m actually relieved. I just wanted to know how you felt. I look up to you and admire you a lot. Maybe….somewhere along the line…that turned into something more.”
JongHun couldn’t believe what he just heard. He didn’t know whether to be scared or relieved. He decided to follow his gut.
“Maybe…I feel something more too.”
JongHun couldn’t believe he said that. His face flushed as the words left his mouth. But HongKi smiled. That smile always had a way of making JongHun feel at ease.
“C’mon” HongKi grabbed JongHun’s wrist and lead him toward the multicolored play structure. HongKi climbed to the top and JongHun followed.
The two sat surrounded by the night sky, staring out at the city lights in front of them. Their legs dangled over the edge. JongHun watched as HongKi swung his legs back and forth. His focus turned towards HongKi’s small hands folded in his lap. He wanted to reach over and hold those hands. Why did he need to be close to HongKi so badly? Although he felt so nervous and uncomfortable in HongKi’s presence, for some reason, he couldn't tear himself away.
HongKi felt JongHun’s gaze and turned to face him. “So… you have a crush on me, JongHun?” he asked suddenly, smiling. JongHun was taken aback. Yeah, he had hinted at his feelings but he thought they both understood it wasn’t something they should voice out loud. JongHun felt the blood rush to his cheeks. He didn’t know what to say. His throat felt dry but he managed to let out a nervous laugh. “Ha….haha.” Jonghun avoided Hongki’s eyes.
HongKi’s eyes squinted as he smiled. Then his smile disappeared and he looked out onto the city. “Hyung…” He said softly. “I...” He paused, unsure of what to say. “This is confusing for me too, but…I’m not afraid of it, I mean, if I feel a certain way about someone…” HongKi looked at JongHun and their eyes met. JongHun didn’t break the gaze. “-someone I know really well and care about-then I don’t see why I should hide those feelings.”
JongHun held his gaze, his eyes taking in every inch of HongKi’s face. He felt captivated by HongKi in that moment. JongHun could hardly argue with him.
“But the guys…the fans…” He replied weakly.
“So?” HongKi pulled up his legs and hugged them, resting his head on his knees. “I don’t see anyone here but you…”
He tilted his head towards JongHun and looked up at him with those captivating eyes that had recently become so etched into JongHun’s mind. JongHun knew HongKi was right. All JongHun could think of was the feeling of HongKi’s smooth lips. He wanted to feel that again. HongKi’s soft hair glowed in the moonlight. JongHun bit his lip, unsure whether he should follow his instincts. He leaned in toward HongKi and paused, his black hair falling around his face. HongKi gave him a half smile. That smile. JongHun couldn’t resist. He moved toward HongKi. Their lips were less than an inch apart and JongHun could feel HongKi’s warm breath. JongHun touched HongKi’s soft cheek. His heart couldn’t handle any more. He closed his eyes and pressed his lips against HongKi’s. JongHun felt HongKi’s slightly wet lips against his. HongKi’s nose touching his cheek. His hair brushing against JongHun’s forehead. It felt amazing. Too amazing. JongHun felt as though his heart would explode out of his chest. He pulled away.
JongHun held his breath as he waited for HongKi to react, but HongKi didn’t move. His eyes remained closed. A few seconds later, HongKi bit his lip and opened his eyes, looking at JongHun. JongHun couldn't read the expression on his face.
Suddenly, HongKi leaned forward. He wrapped his arms around JongHun's neck, drawing JongHun towards him. JongHun felt those warm lips again as HongKi kissed him passionately. He ran his fingers through HongKi’s hair. JongHun felt all of the pent up feelings, the desire and longing, lift off his chest as he kissed HongKi. For once, he didn’t think. He allowed his desire to guide his body as he stroked the contours of HongKi’s face and tasted HongKi’s lips. He felt HongKi’s hands running down his back. His body wrapped in HongKi's warm embrace. JongHun didn’t want the kiss to end. Ever.
JongHun swallowed and lowered his head into his hands. God, he needed another glass of that sake. A voice echoed his thoughts, “Need a bit of this?”
JongHun lifted his head and saw HongKi standing over him with the bottle of sake. JongHun exhaled and nodded. HongKi sat beside him and his bare arm brushed against JongHun’s. A chill ran down JongHun’s back in response to HongKi’s touch. He held out his glass and HongKi poured the sake. The alcohol burned the back of JongHun’s throat as he gulped it down. HongKi poured him another.
“JongHun…it’s okay. I mean, I doubt anyone noticed. Remember when I practically lost my voice and still was stupid enough to perform?” JongHun let out a small laugh, but his gaze was locked on the drink in his hands. He gripped it so tightly his fingers became slippery with sweat against the glass cup. HongKi continued. “I know it’s hard. Not fun. But our fans are forgiving; they aren’t going to care if you missed a note. Even if they did notice, I’m sure they’ll just find it cute and love you all the more.” HongKi smiled and twisted his body sideways to look up at JongHun’s face. JongHun sat up abruptly.
“Yeah…you’re right.” But HongKi’s words didn’t lessen the sinking feeling in JongHun’s stomach. His despondency wasn’t a result of the performance; JongHun knew the wrong note wasn’t a big deal. That wasn’t really why he felt upset. It was because of the boy sitting next to him. The face that he couldn’t seem to erase from his mind. The laugh that echoed through his thoughts. He couldn’t even pinpoint where the playfulness had turned into flirting, where the friendship had turned into love. It seemed as soon as JongHun realized where his heart was leading him, it was too late to turn back. Now, JongHun couldn’t even look at HongKi without feeling a surge of…feeling. He didn’t even know how to describe it. It was a mixture of sadness, nervousness, anxiety, adrenaline, peacefulness, and…maybe even love. JongHun finished off another glass of sake. At least the alcohol seemed to take the edge off.
“Hey, take it easy.” HongKi laughed. “Or at least wait for me to catch up.” HongKi chugged back his own glass and leaned back in the chair, stretching him arm behind JongHun’s back. JongHun knew he needed to get out of there. He poured himself more sake, swung it back and stood up.
“I need some fresh air.” The room was moving around him and JongHun didn’t know if it was from the sake, or from being around HongKi. Probably a bit of both. He walked towards the front door and left the house, not bothering to change out of his slippers. JongHun let the door close behind him but HongKi’s hand pushed it back open.
“I’m coming with you. You’re too drunk to wander outside by yourself. You’re gonna walk out into traffic.”
JongHun stopped.
“I need to be alone.” He said firmly, refusing to look at HongKi.
HongKi walked forward.
“Well, can you at least tell me what's wrong? I’ve never seen you so upset…Is this really just because of your mistake on stage? Is there something else going on?” HongKi pressed.
JongHun couldn’t take anymore. He spun around and glared at HongKi.
“No! It’s not because of MY mistake!” He shouted. “It’s because of you! You made me screw up because you were trying to distract me! You think this is funny?! Some sort of game?! God, you’re so childish. We worked hard for that performance, so next time, let’s try to focus on our own part, instead of trying to get a few extra cheers at MY expense!”
JongHun felt his emotions boiling over as he yelled at HongKi. He hadn’t meant to sound so harsh but he couldn’t control it any more. HongKi stood still. His face had an expression of hurt and confusion.
“I…I’m sorry…” HongKi mumbled.
HongKi’s lips pressed together as he tried to hold back the tears that's were welling up in his eyes. JongHun had never spoken to him that way before.
JongHun wanted to leave, to run away into the dark streets, but his feet were planted in the ground. He couldn’t leave HongKi alone, standing there with tears in his eyes. A wave of guilt passed over JongHun.
“Look…I’m sorry. That came out wrong. It’s okay.” JongHun stumbled over his words.
The two stood still for several moments, not sure what was to do or say.
HongKi broke the silence, “I…I should go back inside.”
He turned and opened the door.
“Wait.” JongHun heard himself say.
He wasn’t sure whether he stopped HongKi because he didn’t want the other guys to question HongKi about why he was crying, or because he couldn’t let HongKi leave without telling him what was on his heart.
JongHun walked toward HongKi.
“I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled.”
HongKi’s eyes looked up at JongHun. “Its my fault. You’re right. I shouldn’t have distracted you. Sorry.”
“Forget it. It’s alright.” JongHun tried to reassure HongKi.
HongKi turned to enter the house, then stopped.
“JongHun.”
“Yeah?”
“Is…is this about last night? I’m really sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. I don’t know what came over me. Anyway, you’re my best friend and I don’t want to do anything to compromise that. So, if I did-if I crossed any lines-I’m sorry.”
HongKi blinked and tears tumbled down his cheeks. JongHun couldn’t take it anymore. He reached for HongKi, hesitantly, then wrapped his arms around HongKi’s shaking body. JongHun held HongKi, trying to hold back the tears that were forming in his own eyes. JongHun rested his head on HongKi’s hair. He felt HongKi’s tears soak through his shirt. JongHun wanted so badly to tell HongKi how much he cared about him, how HongKi made his heart feel warm, how he just wanted to be close to him forever, but he couldn’t find the words.
Out of the corner of his eye, JongHun saw movement in the window of the house. The others were probably wondering what they were up to. JongHun just wanted to be alone with HongKi, without having to worry about the judgments of others. When HongKi stopped crying and fell silent in JongHun’s embrace, JongHun cleared his throat.
“Do you want to go for a walk somewhere?” He asked quietly.
JongHun felt HongKi nod. JongHun released his embrace. He ran his fingers through his own hair and sighed, taking a few steps forward. HongKi followed and the two walked away from the house in silence.
JongHun looked up at the dark sky as he walked. He wasn’t sure what he was doing. He didn’t know what he should say or do in HongKi’s presence.
We’ve been best friends for years, he thought, what changed? …Maybe HongKi wasn’t the one who had changed; maybe it was me, thought JongHun.
He realized he wasn’t being fair to his friend. After all, HongKi had no knowledge of his true feelings. JongHun knew it wasn’t fair to mess with HongKi’s emotions like this.
They came across a small park and JongHun sat on nearby wooden bench. HongKi stuffed his hands in his pockets and sat down beside JongHun.
HongKi sighed and broke the silence. “Can you at least tell me what’s going on? I’m worried about you.”
JongHun turned away.
HongKi continued, “Look, it’s just the two of us here, kay? No one else. Whatever is said will stay between us. You’ve talked to me about everything. I don’t know what’s wrong now but, if you tell me about it, we can work it out.”
“I…can’t” JongHun managed to say.
HongKi touched JongHun’s knee.
“Then I need to know…did…did what I did last night bother you? If it did, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I just did what I felt…”
HongKi’s honesty made JongHun feel a surge of guilt. Maybe HongKi knew more about JongHun’s feelings than he thought. JongHun closed his eyes.
“It should have bothered me more…” He said under his breath.
“What?” HongKi looked up at JongHun questioningly.
JongHun sighed and rubbed his eyes. He wished he knew how HongKi really felt. He still didn’t know whether the cuddling, or even the kiss, was just fooling around or if HongKi actually felt as strongly as JongHun did. All the same, he needed to get this off his chest. He needed HongKi to know that it wasn’t just a game for him. JongHun looked in HongKi’s eyes.
“No, it didn’t bother me. That's what’s bothering me…”
HongKi remained quiet. JongHun’s face turned red. Oh great, now I’ve scared him off. What if he doesn’t want to even be friends with me anymore? I could have just put the group in jeopardy. JongHun’s mind was racing. He felt foolish. Babo. Babo, Babo, Babo, Babo, Babo, he said to himself. Why won’t HongKi say something?
Suddenly HongKi’s eyes smiled and he let out a small laugh.
“What?” JongHun asked nervously.
HongKi sighed. “I was worried I ruined our friendship by…what I did. I’m actually relieved. I just wanted to know how you felt. I look up to you and admire you a lot. Maybe….somewhere along the line…that turned into something more.”
JongHun couldn’t believe what he just heard. He didn’t know whether to be scared or relieved. He decided to follow his gut.
“Maybe…I feel something more too.”
JongHun couldn’t believe he said that. His face flushed as the words left his mouth. But HongKi smiled. That smile always had a way of making JongHun feel at ease.
“C’mon” HongKi grabbed JongHun’s wrist and lead him toward the multicolored play structure. HongKi climbed to the top and JongHun followed.
The two sat surrounded by the night sky, staring out at the city lights in front of them. Their legs dangled over the edge. JongHun watched as HongKi swung his legs back and forth. His focus turned towards HongKi’s small hands folded in his lap. He wanted to reach over and hold those hands. Why did he need to be close to HongKi so badly? Although he felt so nervous and uncomfortable in HongKi’s presence, for some reason, he couldn't tear himself away.
HongKi felt JongHun’s gaze and turned to face him. “So… you have a crush on me, JongHun?” he asked suddenly, smiling. JongHun was taken aback. Yeah, he had hinted at his feelings but he thought they both understood it wasn’t something they should voice out loud. JongHun felt the blood rush to his cheeks. He didn’t know what to say. His throat felt dry but he managed to let out a nervous laugh. “Ha….haha.” Jonghun avoided Hongki’s eyes.
HongKi’s eyes squinted as he smiled. Then his smile disappeared and he looked out onto the city. “Hyung…” He said softly. “I...” He paused, unsure of what to say. “This is confusing for me too, but…I’m not afraid of it, I mean, if I feel a certain way about someone…” HongKi looked at JongHun and their eyes met. JongHun didn’t break the gaze. “-someone I know really well and care about-then I don’t see why I should hide those feelings.”
JongHun held his gaze, his eyes taking in every inch of HongKi’s face. He felt captivated by HongKi in that moment. JongHun could hardly argue with him.
“But the guys…the fans…” He replied weakly.
“So?” HongKi pulled up his legs and hugged them, resting his head on his knees. “I don’t see anyone here but you…”
He tilted his head towards JongHun and looked up at him with those captivating eyes that had recently become so etched into JongHun’s mind. JongHun knew HongKi was right. All JongHun could think of was the feeling of HongKi’s smooth lips. He wanted to feel that again. HongKi’s soft hair glowed in the moonlight. JongHun bit his lip, unsure whether he should follow his instincts. He leaned in toward HongKi and paused, his black hair falling around his face. HongKi gave him a half smile. That smile. JongHun couldn’t resist. He moved toward HongKi. Their lips were less than an inch apart and JongHun could feel HongKi’s warm breath. JongHun touched HongKi’s soft cheek. His heart couldn’t handle any more. He closed his eyes and pressed his lips against HongKi’s. JongHun felt HongKi’s slightly wet lips against his. HongKi’s nose touching his cheek. His hair brushing against JongHun’s forehead. It felt amazing. Too amazing. JongHun felt as though his heart would explode out of his chest. He pulled away.
JongHun held his breath as he waited for HongKi to react, but HongKi didn’t move. His eyes remained closed. A few seconds later, HongKi bit his lip and opened his eyes, looking at JongHun. JongHun couldn't read the expression on his face.
Suddenly, HongKi leaned forward. He wrapped his arms around JongHun's neck, drawing JongHun towards him. JongHun felt those warm lips again as HongKi kissed him passionately. He ran his fingers through HongKi’s hair. JongHun felt all of the pent up feelings, the desire and longing, lift off his chest as he kissed HongKi. For once, he didn’t think. He allowed his desire to guide his body as he stroked the contours of HongKi’s face and tasted HongKi’s lips. He felt HongKi’s hands running down his back. His body wrapped in HongKi's warm embrace. JongHun didn’t want the kiss to end. Ever.