What We Had I Cannot Even Say [Prince of Tennis, Sanada/Yukimura]
Sanada/Yukimura angst. I am not even going to try and work out where it fits timelinewise xD 395 words, prompt: 25 September 2005: What we had I cannot even say.
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What We Had I Cannot Even Say
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"What I feel is wrong," Sanada says. The voice wants to be deep, strong, confident in its declaration. The sentence ends on a mere whisper that says he can't really bear to admit it.
Yukimura lets the silence hang for a while before he replies. He can feel Sanada's back, pressed against his where they sit, and the way his breathing fluctates. He tries to keep it steady but every so often a deep breath is inhaled, followed by a long release that shudders ever so slightly. Yukimura can't help thinking, with a kind of wonder, that maybe Sanada is trying not to cry.
Perhaps it is wrong to be keeping physical contact while discussing this. Yukimura leans away and stands up.
"I don't believe feelings can ever be wrong," he says. He doesn't turn to face Sanada. Normally he would, but he can admit he is being a bit of a coward right now - if only to himself. "It's what you do about them that counts."
"What I did was wrong," Sanada says immediately. It sounds robotic. It sounds like he has been drilling himself to say this, or told it so many times by somebody else that it comes out without any meaning behind it at all. Yukimura flinches. That Sanada could have been trying to do this for so long suddenly saps him of any will to argue about it at all.
"You didn't do it all alone," he says eventually. Which is rather the point of it all. "I did those things too. And I don't believe I've done anything wrong. Do you think I've been wrong?"
"You don't do anything wrong," Sanada replies. Yukimura rolls his eyes. Just like him to take all of the blame onto himself, just like every other time something went wrong and ruined their carefully crafted plans of victory.
Somehow, this feels like another defeat.
Sanada gets up himself and starts to walk away without turning back. Perhaps he was expecting an explosive fight, perhaps Yukimura has let him down by being so passive about this, but it's the shock that has stunned him and continues to keep him frozen to the spot now. And yet Sanada is moving further and further away.
"...Sanada," Yukimura says, and he knows his voice is fading on the wind, "you know that makes no sense."
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This entry was originally posted here on Dreamwidth. Comment there if you'd prefer!
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What We Had I Cannot Even Say
-
"What I feel is wrong," Sanada says. The voice wants to be deep, strong, confident in its declaration. The sentence ends on a mere whisper that says he can't really bear to admit it.
Yukimura lets the silence hang for a while before he replies. He can feel Sanada's back, pressed against his where they sit, and the way his breathing fluctates. He tries to keep it steady but every so often a deep breath is inhaled, followed by a long release that shudders ever so slightly. Yukimura can't help thinking, with a kind of wonder, that maybe Sanada is trying not to cry.
Perhaps it is wrong to be keeping physical contact while discussing this. Yukimura leans away and stands up.
"I don't believe feelings can ever be wrong," he says. He doesn't turn to face Sanada. Normally he would, but he can admit he is being a bit of a coward right now - if only to himself. "It's what you do about them that counts."
"What I did was wrong," Sanada says immediately. It sounds robotic. It sounds like he has been drilling himself to say this, or told it so many times by somebody else that it comes out without any meaning behind it at all. Yukimura flinches. That Sanada could have been trying to do this for so long suddenly saps him of any will to argue about it at all.
"You didn't do it all alone," he says eventually. Which is rather the point of it all. "I did those things too. And I don't believe I've done anything wrong. Do you think I've been wrong?"
"You don't do anything wrong," Sanada replies. Yukimura rolls his eyes. Just like him to take all of the blame onto himself, just like every other time something went wrong and ruined their carefully crafted plans of victory.
Somehow, this feels like another defeat.
Sanada gets up himself and starts to walk away without turning back. Perhaps he was expecting an explosive fight, perhaps Yukimura has let him down by being so passive about this, but it's the shock that has stunned him and continues to keep him frozen to the spot now. And yet Sanada is moving further and further away.
"...Sanada," Yukimura says, and he knows his voice is fading on the wind, "you know that makes no sense."
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This entry was originally posted here on Dreamwidth. Comment there if you'd prefer!