i wanna be 5 years old again....
so yesterday i wrote this, bc i wanted to put it in this thing...so today i found myself crying at lunch who knows if it was my monthly dose of hormones or that and stress kickin inot quite high gear. i was cryingo th the point where your trying ot talk but the words come out sounding funny as if you ve got the hiccups, but yeah, i was freakin out about getting c's and not b's on my francais ch test. i know i hadnt studied bc of time crunch but it just upset me bc its the only class i like and am trying to put the effort in to suceed , my b has now gone down to a high c+ but still. well really thats beside the point. but i was also able to release ..some.. tears ive been keeping in. about a week ago i had woken up and laid in bed thinking about the date and how its 2nd semester in only a couple o weeks, then how junior year is creepin...creepin...and still creepin in closer. i thought about the fact atha next year id begin makin career chioces and get my wheels rollininto planning out my future , job search *well maybe not* shocool-classes, family and how old i was getting so soon. it was all too much and most of all all too scary . as much as ive aspired for so long and so much in my lidttle heart for the past couple of years to want to grow up , the the fuck outta hear and begin ..MY.. own path in this little wolrd ouf ours, im noticing more and more lately how little time i have not b4 i gotta start lookin into making my independence a reality , but more about how much i feel as if i have no time left. its like...get up -school-hw-sleep(if i can get any :( ) -school, etc. over and over again. then comes the weekend to relax and then jump back into that fucked up schedule. i had never erealized how much i miss being a kid, well i still am at heart, but not so much in my mind anymore. sometimes it feels as if i grew up too quick. or maybe in my rents mind ..so.. quick. i mean, how simple was it in kindergarten; be nice, play, listen eat, play, ask your teacher 4 permission. but then adolescence was tough. when i look abck at it it makes me feel sad. bc i look at how much i tried to comform myself to otehrs ideals and how mean i was to other kids to make myself look "cool" and be accepted or how much i destined to be a popular kid, adn erase that label of the fat mexican girl. kids can be sooooo mean its disgusting. it hurts me when i think back to how i felt growin up as an outsider lookin in and how much i wanted to fit in, including the time i wanted adidas bc all the other girls had some and how i got sonme generic ones i made my mom buy, and how they were flat in the front so when i was around the cool girls i would point my toes up to make it look as if the shoes had form...little things like that i did to attempt my hardest to be like them, and feel this fake veil of acceptance. also how much my ethnicity was despised bc there were barely any mexican kids it was hard. it was very hard groin up as the kid trying ot to worry what others thought of her. (thats what i wrote last night <-).but even as im typing this up right now, i get a knot in my throat. bc i realize how much i wanted to conform. give in, and most of all how inferior and worthless i felt. its scary how you can send your kids to school,and how mean of an enviroment it can be. like i miss simple times when all you had to worry about was what game you were gonna play next, and not what article of clothing ye gotta wear to make you look skinnier.the scary part is taht when i look at myself now i still see in the mirror that same little girl confused, and scared. worried what others will think as much as i can tell myself it doesnt matter. and as much as i can preach to others to say. FUCK YOU.i guess in the end we all jsut want to fit in. feel accepted. but shit son. i guess tahts the part of growing up i just wanted to skip, now i feel more confident. ive surrounded myself with positive people and a new outlook to the world everyday. but i still come across fuckin idiots and mean people everyday at school who i know can be so cruel and coldhearted to others bc their not as rich as them. i guess tahts the part where i come in saying how much i want to get outta highschoool, and finish that chapter in my life. Even now i still feel without time. withought time to say hey lets go to the park and go on the swings and slides, and then lets go color. but naw. im worried about mastering a diff language, make my teachers understand that im not just another ignorant kid. seriously does anybody ever feel liek they grew up too quick?. heres the thing. i dont fear growing up, as a matter of fact im intriuged by the life cycle. but i just think time is passing me by too quickly i just want to be able to catch up w/ time. devote myself again to art, to writing, to doing what i want, i want a break. thats all. all i ask for is a break extra time.but as we all know taht can never happen.