'ello loves
I have watched animal planet for two days straight (not including the break when I went to Heaven's for the night) and my passion for becoming a wildlife biologist just gets stronger. I've known what I wanted to be for years now. But I'm just 16. I'm 16 and my future seems so clouded in mystery. How am I going to get from point A to point B?Will some senseless twit of a teacher try and force that knowledge down my throat? Or is the answer inside me, and I won't figure it out until I'm too old to do anything about it? I just know what I want to be, what I want to do. Sometimes I lack the courage or confidence to do anything I want. But I'm working on that- building self-esteem with that awesome person that's buried so deep inside me. For a while apathy was the perfect scapegoat. I don't care, I don't care about anythingDo you know how many times I've said those words just to reassure myself? Disgusting. Because I know I care. It's just so hard sometimes to care- especially with nasty little girls running all over the place thinking they are the shit. Like when they wear those ugly skirts and the 'emo' scarfs that don't match. Hell, their whole outfit doesn't match. What happened to fashion? The 80's exploded on all the wrong people. I wonder if they know how silly it looks? But I'm not being fair, besides they all do it in groups anyway. The originality excuse got old when everyone started wearing these hideous outfits. (The only person who can really pull of the butt end off this fashion is Laura, and she looks cute as hell in her clothes too <3) But let me not get side tracked- They really aren't cool, and I wish I could find comfort in knowing that sooner or later all of their drama will catch up with them- but I don't. Instead I feel sorry. This is what happened before, my heart swells with compassion just to get stepped on over and over again. I've really amazed myself this time. It hasn't gone bitter, cold, and turned to stone... it just pieces itself back together again. Is this growing up? Getting hurt, and then learning to cope with it and heal? I know not everyone out there is a good guy, and sometimes I can be a sarcastic bitch. But if sarcasm helps me feel better, it can't be all that bad. The number one thing I love about myself is my sense of humor. The thing I hate most about myself is my obsessive tendency to dwell on things<- and most of those things aren't even my problem. I guess I just want to fix shit and make people happy. I love it when I do or say things that make my friends laugh or smile. I don't know. Maybe I'm trying to find myself, I want an identity to call my own. I want to be me and not have to worry about what other people think. Usually I don't, but sometimes- I do.