(no subject)
;_;
I've felt like complete shit all day. The person who I want to talk to the most is the one I hate beyond reason. I really don't like that awkward feeling when someone you are trying to ignore is somewhat near you. Like at lunch... (~_^ pronouns don't mean you Kim <3) I just sat there and tried to finish my drawing, resisting the urge just to go up and talk to him. I have 603495683768934905789 things to say... I just don't know how to say it. Eventually all those 'left over' feelings will go away and I'll be able to move on. I just don't know what to move on to. For the past year now, I have felt dependent on one thing. One person. Like my life would just suddenly cease to exist if this person ever left me for any reason. And so they have, and so my life- as of the moment- seems completly scattered into random corners. Feelings that I thought I had have been rendered lost. Now I feel carved empty and used. The world around me today seemed blurred with movement. I forgot where I was going a few times. Suddenly I feel responsible for everything. Every single god damn thing. And it's odd. It's odd to feel misplaced. Not saying that my life sucks, hell no. I know there are about a gazillion people out there who have it worse than I, but I still feel... blah. But this is what high school is all about. Growing up, learning, feeling, making mistakes and moving on. I'm on that last part- moving on. Moving past all these petty things going on in my life, moving past the fact I may not be able to like another guy for a long long time, regardless of the fact he can move on to some other chick or not. Again, that responsibilty part is playing into action. I feel responsible for this, even if I know that it isn't my fault. I know I tried my best, I know I loved without reason and with forgivness. I guess what I felt really was blind. Blind love with reason or a cause. Just in knowing he would be there kept me smiling throughout the day, even with all the shit I'm going through now. Eventually I knew everything was going to die down, but for a person who promised me everything I wanted to hear- he never did try that hard. But- I have to give him the fact he kept me interested so long. So long- I fell inlove. Ignorant people may say you can't be inlove in highschool, but that's really where it starts. Everything we learn now is our basis for our future. So everything I have learned now, I will keep with me until the day I die. This is the first time I have actually ever had my heart legitimatly broken. The kind of heart break where you cry alone. Even if it sounds pitiful, it happened. In a single week I have cried more than I ever had in my life time, no exaggeration. Feeling vunerable is not the best feeling in the world. I usually cry when I am angry, but these tears are pure sadness. It's like my heart is bleeding through my eyes. I know that sounds oober stupid, but it's true. I couldn't even look him in the eyes today, not even wave. Not because I'm mad... but because I know I'll cry. I was afraid at lunch today, I was afraid that I was going to break down in the corner I was sittin at, I was afraid of looking stupid, I was afraid of opening back up, I was afraid. You can laugh so hard it hurts, you can also cry so hard it hurts. This won't be the last time I feel like this, many more guys will break my heart over and over again. But this is the first. I know I'll always remember it. I don't even know how to start fixing myself yet. I guess I'll just have to wait and be patient, eventually someone will come along to help me forget.
I've felt like complete shit all day. The person who I want to talk to the most is the one I hate beyond reason. I really don't like that awkward feeling when someone you are trying to ignore is somewhat near you. Like at lunch... (~_^ pronouns don't mean you Kim <3) I just sat there and tried to finish my drawing, resisting the urge just to go up and talk to him. I have 603495683768934905789 things to say... I just don't know how to say it. Eventually all those 'left over' feelings will go away and I'll be able to move on. I just don't know what to move on to. For the past year now, I have felt dependent on one thing. One person. Like my life would just suddenly cease to exist if this person ever left me for any reason. And so they have, and so my life- as of the moment- seems completly scattered into random corners. Feelings that I thought I had have been rendered lost. Now I feel carved empty and used. The world around me today seemed blurred with movement. I forgot where I was going a few times. Suddenly I feel responsible for everything. Every single god damn thing. And it's odd. It's odd to feel misplaced. Not saying that my life sucks, hell no. I know there are about a gazillion people out there who have it worse than I, but I still feel... blah. But this is what high school is all about. Growing up, learning, feeling, making mistakes and moving on. I'm on that last part- moving on. Moving past all these petty things going on in my life, moving past the fact I may not be able to like another guy for a long long time, regardless of the fact he can move on to some other chick or not. Again, that responsibilty part is playing into action. I feel responsible for this, even if I know that it isn't my fault. I know I tried my best, I know I loved without reason and with forgivness. I guess what I felt really was blind. Blind love with reason or a cause. Just in knowing he would be there kept me smiling throughout the day, even with all the shit I'm going through now. Eventually I knew everything was going to die down, but for a person who promised me everything I wanted to hear- he never did try that hard. But- I have to give him the fact he kept me interested so long. So long- I fell inlove. Ignorant people may say you can't be inlove in highschool, but that's really where it starts. Everything we learn now is our basis for our future. So everything I have learned now, I will keep with me until the day I die. This is the first time I have actually ever had my heart legitimatly broken. The kind of heart break where you cry alone. Even if it sounds pitiful, it happened. In a single week I have cried more than I ever had in my life time, no exaggeration. Feeling vunerable is not the best feeling in the world. I usually cry when I am angry, but these tears are pure sadness. It's like my heart is bleeding through my eyes. I know that sounds oober stupid, but it's true. I couldn't even look him in the eyes today, not even wave. Not because I'm mad... but because I know I'll cry. I was afraid at lunch today, I was afraid that I was going to break down in the corner I was sittin at, I was afraid of looking stupid, I was afraid of opening back up, I was afraid. You can laugh so hard it hurts, you can also cry so hard it hurts. This won't be the last time I feel like this, many more guys will break my heart over and over again. But this is the first. I know I'll always remember it. I don't even know how to start fixing myself yet. I guess I'll just have to wait and be patient, eventually someone will come along to help me forget.