I am sixteen, going on seventeen...
"Mah sexy is on the ONNNNNN SWITCH!"
What an emotionally straining day. Ever since Mañalac told us we'd be one day surrendering our eggs, I felt like I've been caring for someone condemned to die -- which is kind of true. It's so sad.. I feel like I'm about to breakdown anytime, and I don't even know how much longer I have with my baby. This afternoon, when Miss said, "All you're going to need is your book and bible," I started crying. I seriously seriously thought today was the day we were going to kill the babies. I WASN'T READY!! And so during the prayer, I started crying. I wasn't ready to let go yet! And we sang Amazing Grace, which they sang for Kyle the Egg's funeral. Shiyet, I thought that meant we were about to commence the smashing. I was wiping my tears on my jacket until Chesca offered her tissue. Aww.
But the whole day I couldn't stop thinking about Emmie. Everytime I look at her, I feel like I'm going to cry, but parang unfair na nga: She's going so soon, and the time I have left with her I'll spend crying? Haaaay.
I am getting too emotionally attatched to my baby. She is coming with me tomorrow. To Teddy's house. To Polo. To Redbox. BABY SHALL BE THERE.
And I've been extra-jumpy since baby came along. I've screamed a whole lot more. But baby's still safe and sound, so it's worth it. I feel extra-OC. Nobody can babysit anymore. (Except for the short ones. Where, for example, I'm going to the bathroom or picking up stuff from my locker.) Nobody's allowed to pick her up. I get heart attacks when people move her. No. No touchy. I just handed her to someone this morning for a picture, and I couldn't concentrate at the topic at hand.. I just kept looking over to see if she was okay, if she was being treated right, if she was in a safe place.. I don't mind (so much, but I still do) people cootchie-ing her, but they can't pick her up. Haha. When babies visit, they visit Emmie, but I can't relax if she's in someone else's basket.
Oh my. I'm turning into my mom, times ten. I feel so overprotective of my baby. My baby with an absentee father whose identity I don't even know yet.
But I can't get over kanina. That was the worst feeling. I thought thought thought it was "smashing time" already, and I was absolutely not prepared.. And I couldn't even pray, because all I could think of was my baby.. How she looked so peaceful and quiet and smiling.. And how that smile is going to be broken.. NO, I WASN'T READY. I felt unbelievably relieved (and felt like crying again for some reason) when I saw someone writing "Journal Reflection" on the board. We weren't bringing our babies to the chapels-- they're safe for today.
I have a feeling, though, that today is our last day. Because the journal entry said, "Days 1-7" .. Today's the seventh day. Oh my. We're not going to have to continue? Meaning.. We won't have the babies long enough to continue?
AHHHHHH!
Damn assignment. Too much emotion involved. *sigh* This entry was all about an EGG. Something I would have cooked a week and a half ago. Had she not been picked to be in the basket, I might have seen her in my lunchbox, and I would have greedily eaten it.
But this egg's my baby now. <3 And I love my little Emmeline Marie.
(And now that I read it, the title and the first line have nothing to do with the rest of the entry. Oh well. Meggie, Ina -- let's sing that tomorrow. :D)
What an emotionally straining day. Ever since Mañalac told us we'd be one day surrendering our eggs, I felt like I've been caring for someone condemned to die -- which is kind of true. It's so sad.. I feel like I'm about to breakdown anytime, and I don't even know how much longer I have with my baby. This afternoon, when Miss said, "All you're going to need is your book and bible," I started crying. I seriously seriously thought today was the day we were going to kill the babies. I WASN'T READY!! And so during the prayer, I started crying. I wasn't ready to let go yet! And we sang Amazing Grace, which they sang for Kyle the Egg's funeral. Shiyet, I thought that meant we were about to commence the smashing. I was wiping my tears on my jacket until Chesca offered her tissue. Aww.
But the whole day I couldn't stop thinking about Emmie. Everytime I look at her, I feel like I'm going to cry, but parang unfair na nga: She's going so soon, and the time I have left with her I'll spend crying? Haaaay.
I am getting too emotionally attatched to my baby. She is coming with me tomorrow. To Teddy's house. To Polo. To Redbox. BABY SHALL BE THERE.
And I've been extra-jumpy since baby came along. I've screamed a whole lot more. But baby's still safe and sound, so it's worth it. I feel extra-OC. Nobody can babysit anymore. (Except for the short ones. Where, for example, I'm going to the bathroom or picking up stuff from my locker.) Nobody's allowed to pick her up. I get heart attacks when people move her. No. No touchy. I just handed her to someone this morning for a picture, and I couldn't concentrate at the topic at hand.. I just kept looking over to see if she was okay, if she was being treated right, if she was in a safe place.. I don't mind (so much, but I still do) people cootchie-ing her, but they can't pick her up. Haha. When babies visit, they visit Emmie, but I can't relax if she's in someone else's basket.
Oh my. I'm turning into my mom, times ten. I feel so overprotective of my baby. My baby with an absentee father whose identity I don't even know yet.
But I can't get over kanina. That was the worst feeling. I thought thought thought it was "smashing time" already, and I was absolutely not prepared.. And I couldn't even pray, because all I could think of was my baby.. How she looked so peaceful and quiet and smiling.. And how that smile is going to be broken.. NO, I WASN'T READY. I felt unbelievably relieved (and felt like crying again for some reason) when I saw someone writing "Journal Reflection" on the board. We weren't bringing our babies to the chapels-- they're safe for today.
I have a feeling, though, that today is our last day. Because the journal entry said, "Days 1-7" .. Today's the seventh day. Oh my. We're not going to have to continue? Meaning.. We won't have the babies long enough to continue?
AHHHHHH!
Damn assignment. Too much emotion involved. *sigh* This entry was all about an EGG. Something I would have cooked a week and a half ago. Had she not been picked to be in the basket, I might have seen her in my lunchbox, and I would have greedily eaten it.
But this egg's my baby now. <3 And I love my little Emmeline Marie.
(And now that I read it, the title and the first line have nothing to do with the rest of the entry. Oh well. Meggie, Ina -- let's sing that tomorrow. :D)