"It's Still Snowing In Pennsylvania"
I just had an awful dream. And I define "awful" as "I genuinely felt like I wanted to kill myself".
The premise was that my parents invited a dozen relatives, all of whom I had never met, to live with us. They didn't tell me they were coming--I come back from an errand and four beds and a crib had been moved into my bedroom. And these total strangers just come and take over my life. When I ask Mother why all these people have to live with us, she says, "It's still snowing in Pennsylvania."
I realize that I'm running low on things to live for. But I'm wary of pro psychology (with good reason, due to my experiences in childhood and high school) and more wary of drugs (do I need a reason?) and can't afford to be treated now anyway. (Can you imagine a man applying for a job, and telling his interviewer, in response to the question of why the man wants the job, "I realize I'm contracting mental illness and need the medical insurance to cover my treatments"? What's the likelihood of the man getting hired after that?)
When relatives (even my closest ones like my sister's folks) visit I invariably feel awkward as I have nothing happy to contribute to conversations and don't want to bring anybody down or make them feel I'm fishing for sympathy. My siblings are both actors and know when I try to fake being happy, so there's no point in that ploy. And people wonder why I don't smile when they pose me for photographs. (Well, add to the depression the fact that I have bad teeth that I also can't afford to get fixed...and thus am ashamed of.)
All my life my parents have told me how important it is for me to get what I want out of life, and now I'm staring down age 40 and nothing has gone all that well. I don't have a career. I've never had a love life. I'll probably never have a home or a family of my own. I feel I've let everybody down for failing to properly exist.
This is not an April Fool's gag. I hate that I have to emphasize this fact.
FP
The premise was that my parents invited a dozen relatives, all of whom I had never met, to live with us. They didn't tell me they were coming--I come back from an errand and four beds and a crib had been moved into my bedroom. And these total strangers just come and take over my life. When I ask Mother why all these people have to live with us, she says, "It's still snowing in Pennsylvania."
I realize that I'm running low on things to live for. But I'm wary of pro psychology (with good reason, due to my experiences in childhood and high school) and more wary of drugs (do I need a reason?) and can't afford to be treated now anyway. (Can you imagine a man applying for a job, and telling his interviewer, in response to the question of why the man wants the job, "I realize I'm contracting mental illness and need the medical insurance to cover my treatments"? What's the likelihood of the man getting hired after that?)
When relatives (even my closest ones like my sister's folks) visit I invariably feel awkward as I have nothing happy to contribute to conversations and don't want to bring anybody down or make them feel I'm fishing for sympathy. My siblings are both actors and know when I try to fake being happy, so there's no point in that ploy. And people wonder why I don't smile when they pose me for photographs. (Well, add to the depression the fact that I have bad teeth that I also can't afford to get fixed...and thus am ashamed of.)
All my life my parents have told me how important it is for me to get what I want out of life, and now I'm staring down age 40 and nothing has gone all that well. I don't have a career. I've never had a love life. I'll probably never have a home or a family of my own. I feel I've let everybody down for failing to properly exist.
This is not an April Fool's gag. I hate that I have to emphasize this fact.
FP