Lux managed to describe exactly how I'm feeling right now...
...so instead of a pale imitation of her words, I'll just quote her and hope she doesn't mind. I think a lot of us are feeling similarly right now, especially those of us who no longer live in Montreal, since it made visiting and staying in the loop harder.
"Some days I wish I had a god just so I could have something to blame. But no, all I have is this rage at nothing in particular. I'm so mad at myself right now, most of all for acting like I ever thought the world was fair, that I had a right to expect things to be right. Misogynist bullies who don't deserve a moment's happiness have friends and family and fun. Beautiful young women who think about the world and make beautiful things, go away. I didn't talk when I should have done because I didn't want to hear words that would make it true. I'll probably never find out if she knew how much I loved her. I've got to learn to be OK with that. None of this is about me. She wasn't here to make me happy, and she wasn't here to make me a better person. She did though, and I'm grateful forever."
I always thought she'd get better and everything would go back to the way it was. I realize now that that can't happen in so many ways, but it's too late. I lost my chance to tell her how much she meant to me.
"Some days I wish I had a god just so I could have something to blame. But no, all I have is this rage at nothing in particular. I'm so mad at myself right now, most of all for acting like I ever thought the world was fair, that I had a right to expect things to be right. Misogynist bullies who don't deserve a moment's happiness have friends and family and fun. Beautiful young women who think about the world and make beautiful things, go away. I didn't talk when I should have done because I didn't want to hear words that would make it true. I'll probably never find out if she knew how much I loved her. I've got to learn to be OK with that. None of this is about me. She wasn't here to make me happy, and she wasn't here to make me a better person. She did though, and I'm grateful forever."
I always thought she'd get better and everything would go back to the way it was. I realize now that that can't happen in so many ways, but it's too late. I lost my chance to tell her how much she meant to me.