(no subject)
Heart beats, fluttering, uncontrollable. Face, ears, skin burns. All at the fear of a word, words, sentences. Will they or won't they. I've heard them before but they still chill me to the bone. Fears may be unfounded but they will creep up on you, bold in the light of day. Freezing you from the inside out so cold it burns. Tears don't come, useless in the face of blackness. I don't want it, beg for its loss, yet wake smothered in its unrelenting flesh. I am afraid. Afraid of loss. Not afraid of justified loss. If only the loss of something wrong was at hand. Strength could prevail. It is the loss of something so right that fills me with this cold fiery feeling of pure dread.
I may not actually be losing anything. I may be solidly amidst the path to happiness. My only problem is that time has told that I may not know the difference. Loss could come at a second, in an instant, without cause, without warning. Blindsided. Not sure whether to scream in anguish or fall sobbing with sorrow. I feel like I'm am constantly on edge. Fight or flight spread out into life. My eyes grow wide and every breath is a potential sign. Or even if it isn't it seems to be. I am afraid. Afraid of the only thing I have ever encountered that has been worth the time despite the fear.
I am trying to work through this fear. I can see with my own eyes that there are no signs to justify it. If anything there may be signs to the contrary. However, I have felt contentment be overtaken before. I have read signs of happiness turned loss in eyes I do not wish to lose.
I want only happiness. Only love. Only partnership, companionship. Only trust and joy. Only these things for as long as I may possibly have them. I have them all... only blanketed by this overwhelming fear that I can't seem to shake. What goes on in a head I can't see inside? Will it come to me with concerns? Or will it wallow in worst case scenarios until we are both cast aside, alone in misery alike. Breathe. I wish you breathe. I wish I could breathe. I wish we could breathe together, tension in my deepest fearful heart be gone.
I may not actually be losing anything. I may be solidly amidst the path to happiness. My only problem is that time has told that I may not know the difference. Loss could come at a second, in an instant, without cause, without warning. Blindsided. Not sure whether to scream in anguish or fall sobbing with sorrow. I feel like I'm am constantly on edge. Fight or flight spread out into life. My eyes grow wide and every breath is a potential sign. Or even if it isn't it seems to be. I am afraid. Afraid of the only thing I have ever encountered that has been worth the time despite the fear.
I am trying to work through this fear. I can see with my own eyes that there are no signs to justify it. If anything there may be signs to the contrary. However, I have felt contentment be overtaken before. I have read signs of happiness turned loss in eyes I do not wish to lose.
I want only happiness. Only love. Only partnership, companionship. Only trust and joy. Only these things for as long as I may possibly have them. I have them all... only blanketed by this overwhelming fear that I can't seem to shake. What goes on in a head I can't see inside? Will it come to me with concerns? Or will it wallow in worst case scenarios until we are both cast aside, alone in misery alike. Breathe. I wish you breathe. I wish I could breathe. I wish we could breathe together, tension in my deepest fearful heart be gone.