I lied. LJ is all about sadness.
Next thing I know I’m all alone in a motel (or Travis’s house)
No explanation, no letter good-bye…
I do not trust people. I do not put my trust in people because they ultimately let me down. God forbid I put my trust in a boy. But I did. Me; the Queen of Picky, put her trust in him and elected to couple off. Not only that but I got myself giddy over the prospect of Operation-GJP. I allowed myself to be caught up in what appears to have been an elaborate scheme to make me cry. Well, he wins. I bite. I’m crying. In fact, the place is flooded with tears. It’s 5am on Saturday night and Travis’s shirt is wet from me crying into his chest. I have never undergone such humiliation. In my personal experience, trusting people leads to being walked out on and let down. That’s why I run at the fist signs of seriousness with someone. This is what I did to him the first time. I was afraid and neurotic and I high-tailed it. Now I thought I was being given another chance. Travis said maybe the army made him not have his cell phone, or he was typical boy and he forgot. I know Travis means well and wants to make me happy, but I… fuck… I don’t know. This is why when he originally asked me to be his girlfriend that I told him I was afraid. I’m afraid to trust. One friend said we should live in trust and not in fear. Another said that I should trust him until given a reason not to. Now I have a reason, don’t I?
Meanwhile, I told Kris, one of the nicest guys on the planet, that we can’t date anymore on account of possibly being someone’s girlfriend. I was for about a day. Now I feel terrible. Things are going to be strained between he and I and I detest that. He is one of the most down-to-earth, considerate men on the planet and I told him we can’t date anymore. I chose the one person I am now aware that I shouldn’t trust over one of the few people I know I can count on. What the fuck is wrong with me? If this was a Choose Your Own Adventure book I would turn back the pages and select a new route.
No I wouldn’t. I can’t lie to myself. I still want an explanation. I still sit here, choking on my own naivety, wanting justification for his actions - or lack thereof. I can only hope that he dropped his phone in the toilet. I can’ only imagine that he was called off to do some weird army shit. Let it be that he just got scared and couldn’t call. Anything at all other than this being a planned method of humiliation for me. People aren’t that cruel, are they?
Why do you build me up, buttercup, baby
Just to let me down, mess me around
And then worst of all
You never call, baby, when you say you will
But I love you still
I need you more than anyone darling
Know that I have from the start
So build me up, buttercup,
Don’t break my heart…
No explanation, no letter good-bye…
I do not trust people. I do not put my trust in people because they ultimately let me down. God forbid I put my trust in a boy. But I did. Me; the Queen of Picky, put her trust in him and elected to couple off. Not only that but I got myself giddy over the prospect of Operation-GJP. I allowed myself to be caught up in what appears to have been an elaborate scheme to make me cry. Well, he wins. I bite. I’m crying. In fact, the place is flooded with tears. It’s 5am on Saturday night and Travis’s shirt is wet from me crying into his chest. I have never undergone such humiliation. In my personal experience, trusting people leads to being walked out on and let down. That’s why I run at the fist signs of seriousness with someone. This is what I did to him the first time. I was afraid and neurotic and I high-tailed it. Now I thought I was being given another chance. Travis said maybe the army made him not have his cell phone, or he was typical boy and he forgot. I know Travis means well and wants to make me happy, but I… fuck… I don’t know. This is why when he originally asked me to be his girlfriend that I told him I was afraid. I’m afraid to trust. One friend said we should live in trust and not in fear. Another said that I should trust him until given a reason not to. Now I have a reason, don’t I?
Meanwhile, I told Kris, one of the nicest guys on the planet, that we can’t date anymore on account of possibly being someone’s girlfriend. I was for about a day. Now I feel terrible. Things are going to be strained between he and I and I detest that. He is one of the most down-to-earth, considerate men on the planet and I told him we can’t date anymore. I chose the one person I am now aware that I shouldn’t trust over one of the few people I know I can count on. What the fuck is wrong with me? If this was a Choose Your Own Adventure book I would turn back the pages and select a new route.
No I wouldn’t. I can’t lie to myself. I still want an explanation. I still sit here, choking on my own naivety, wanting justification for his actions - or lack thereof. I can only hope that he dropped his phone in the toilet. I can’ only imagine that he was called off to do some weird army shit. Let it be that he just got scared and couldn’t call. Anything at all other than this being a planned method of humiliation for me. People aren’t that cruel, are they?
Why do you build me up, buttercup, baby
Just to let me down, mess me around
And then worst of all
You never call, baby, when you say you will
But I love you still
I need you more than anyone darling
Know that I have from the start
So build me up, buttercup,
Don’t break my heart…