Woe is me!
Tonight I feel like crap. Let me list what I can, though this is by no means a complete list. Somethings I have to keep to myself for personal reasons but I'm quite sure I can get most of it out. And so let's have the bitching begin.
My family is sinking more and more into poverty it seems. Mom claims it's because our income tax check came is coming in much later than expected but that doesn't change things. A Christian charity organization is having to help us pay for our electricity and had to buy our groceries for us. Without that I wouldn't be on right now. And frankly I hate being helped, I -hate- the fact we have to be pitied by outsiders so that we can survive.
I'm tired of mom being depressed every bloody day. Not a day goes by that she isn't down. And she wants to fill the void my father left with a man. The horrible thing is, it doesn't seem to matter -who- the man is as long as the person is in fact a -man-. She just wants some to rebound on and replace my dad with. And a sudden thing came to mind; my mom's behind on car payments as well. The world isn't a very nice place right now and I idlely wonder when that'll get repossessed.
Because of my emotions, my feelings towards two people I feel like an utter bastard because I can't understand what I feel. I feel like I've betrayed one of them because of my feelings and I want to cry. By God I want to cry but I just won't let myself. I feel so very weak and... God.
It seems like I usually have to IM people to talk to me. I can comfort them, watch over them, take care of them and be a good friend. But it seems like the majority of the time I have to come to them and it hurts so very much. It makes me feel unworthwhile, it makes me feel like a burden more than anything else.
By God, it's been a year since dad's death but nothing has gotten better, things seem to progressively get worse. My family had family friends and they treated us well during my dad's death and afterwards. We went out of touch a few months ago but we learned they were moving. We kept calling them, trying to say our goodbyes and tell them how we appreciated them. They never replied though, they just left and left us.
My God I feel so lonely and hopeless. I need help but I don't think anyone can help me. *rubs his face in his hands* I know this is an utterly self-centered entry but I need to get this out, I need to try and wrench this horrible feeling inside -out- of me. So far it isn't working though.
It's time to end this bitching before I make myself feel worse.
My family is sinking more and more into poverty it seems. Mom claims it's because our income tax check came is coming in much later than expected but that doesn't change things. A Christian charity organization is having to help us pay for our electricity and had to buy our groceries for us. Without that I wouldn't be on right now. And frankly I hate being helped, I -hate- the fact we have to be pitied by outsiders so that we can survive.
I'm tired of mom being depressed every bloody day. Not a day goes by that she isn't down. And she wants to fill the void my father left with a man. The horrible thing is, it doesn't seem to matter -who- the man is as long as the person is in fact a -man-. She just wants some to rebound on and replace my dad with. And a sudden thing came to mind; my mom's behind on car payments as well. The world isn't a very nice place right now and I idlely wonder when that'll get repossessed.
Because of my emotions, my feelings towards two people I feel like an utter bastard because I can't understand what I feel. I feel like I've betrayed one of them because of my feelings and I want to cry. By God I want to cry but I just won't let myself. I feel so very weak and... God.
It seems like I usually have to IM people to talk to me. I can comfort them, watch over them, take care of them and be a good friend. But it seems like the majority of the time I have to come to them and it hurts so very much. It makes me feel unworthwhile, it makes me feel like a burden more than anything else.
By God, it's been a year since dad's death but nothing has gotten better, things seem to progressively get worse. My family had family friends and they treated us well during my dad's death and afterwards. We went out of touch a few months ago but we learned they were moving. We kept calling them, trying to say our goodbyes and tell them how we appreciated them. They never replied though, they just left and left us.
My God I feel so lonely and hopeless. I need help but I don't think anyone can help me. *rubs his face in his hands* I know this is an utterly self-centered entry but I need to get this out, I need to try and wrench this horrible feeling inside -out- of me. So far it isn't working though.
It's time to end this bitching before I make myself feel worse.