Why
How do I reestablish a relationship that was never strong in the first place? How do I get him to come visit me and get to know me? How do I get him to change his perception of "Fatherhood"?
Once Ben and I get moved into our new place, we'll have an office and a guest bedroom. I want my dad to visit us. Stay with us for a couple of weeks. Of course it wouldn't be able to happen for another year, but I really want to try. Why do I keep giving him chances to make it up to me? When will it be...(sigh) enough? How much more will I put myself through this? I always get my hopes up, and he always crushes them. Am I to forgiving?!
There was a time that he would see Jennifer and me for a month at a time. Of course it would be like every 4-7 years when we saw each other. So you know it wasn't that often. One visit, Jennifer and I would be these little girls that he could pick up and hold and the Next visit we were ladies. It still weighs heavy on my heart. I just stood there in front of him at the airport. Twirling to show him how much we've grown. I asked him if we looked any different..."NO, you look the same" and went on with his business. He did not compliment on how well my mom took care of us. He did not say how beautiful we were. I could not see us for the ladies we were. (tears) Have you ever felt the weight of your heart just sink in your chest? You know that feeling of worthlessness? (I need a drink) If I didn't have my mom and sister, Ben and his family...I don't know what I would do.