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Another angsty post.
Oh what would I do without you precious live journal? You're one of my few outlets for the weeks annoyances.
I hate myself right now. I despise the fact that I can't control my thoughts and my actions and make them yield compleltey to my will. It's so important that I stay focoused and look straight ahead. But i know that my mind is clouding over, and i'm the one who's letting it get this way. Out of all the people I come in contact with, i would've never in a millinon years have imagined you taking up this position in my life. I'm still confused at how I let this creep up on me. No, never saw it coming at all. It all started so innocently after all. But what the hell have I done....now I can't leave this alone. I've tried everything, even contemplated taking an oath in front of God to stop feeling this way. THough i finally understand what writers mean when they say that our feelings override logic ...and how love is blind. Blinding me from the flaws, the bad timing, just the complete wrong-ness of it. I can't believe this. I've always believed that I wouldn't move until the timing was absolutley perfect. The whole " why shop when you can't buy" philosophy made so much sense. But now all that went out the window cuz i let my guard down for a moment. A bit back I barely acknowledged this person's existance, much less paid any attention. Now i realize that I might be living in a fantasy world but I've never recalled acting this way.... It's completley new, nothing like the stuff i'd do with my previous "crushes". FOr as long as i've been on thsi planet i've never lost my nerve to talk to anyone before, much less some guy. Never wanted to hide the minute i sense him walk into the room. I've never caught myself smiling with this contentness just by watching him smile. Never wanted to find out everything there is about this person. And I sure as hell never felt threatened....and an even stronger quiet sadness when other girls come near him. I dont understand. I dont' think i've ever been so intrigued before in my life. But Seriously. Why Now. And Why Him. I've asked GOd a thousand times to shut all this down, kill my feelings...or what I think i'm feeling. He's not the one. It's impossible and I should know this. There's no chance of my feelings being reciprocated. I know that if i fall any ffurther into this bothersome business i'll never ever live it down. My mind will have a field day smashing what little remains of my dignity into a bigass hole in the ground. And then I'll have to find myself a hole and hibernate it all out...Not something i'm planning to add into my schedule anytime soon. Why do i keep hoping for a heart that's never meant to be mine in the first place? It's all so stpuid and i've tried my best, but its wearing on me. I make decision after decision to ignore, distract, and deny. It's easy to say since talk is cheap. But my resolve shatters the instant i find that he's around. How incredibly childish of me.
Let me laugh a good laugh at myself now.
I have to choose. Now or never...before i can tangle myself in any further in this frivolous and despicable teenage pastime.
Oh what would I do without you precious live journal? You're one of my few outlets for the weeks annoyances.
I hate myself right now. I despise the fact that I can't control my thoughts and my actions and make them yield compleltey to my will. It's so important that I stay focoused and look straight ahead. But i know that my mind is clouding over, and i'm the one who's letting it get this way. Out of all the people I come in contact with, i would've never in a millinon years have imagined you taking up this position in my life. I'm still confused at how I let this creep up on me. No, never saw it coming at all. It all started so innocently after all. But what the hell have I done....now I can't leave this alone. I've tried everything, even contemplated taking an oath in front of God to stop feeling this way. THough i finally understand what writers mean when they say that our feelings override logic ...and how love is blind. Blinding me from the flaws, the bad timing, just the complete wrong-ness of it. I can't believe this. I've always believed that I wouldn't move until the timing was absolutley perfect. The whole " why shop when you can't buy" philosophy made so much sense. But now all that went out the window cuz i let my guard down for a moment. A bit back I barely acknowledged this person's existance, much less paid any attention. Now i realize that I might be living in a fantasy world but I've never recalled acting this way.... It's completley new, nothing like the stuff i'd do with my previous "crushes". FOr as long as i've been on thsi planet i've never lost my nerve to talk to anyone before, much less some guy. Never wanted to hide the minute i sense him walk into the room. I've never caught myself smiling with this contentness just by watching him smile. Never wanted to find out everything there is about this person. And I sure as hell never felt threatened....and an even stronger quiet sadness when other girls come near him. I dont understand. I dont' think i've ever been so intrigued before in my life. But Seriously. Why Now. And Why Him. I've asked GOd a thousand times to shut all this down, kill my feelings...or what I think i'm feeling. He's not the one. It's impossible and I should know this. There's no chance of my feelings being reciprocated. I know that if i fall any ffurther into this bothersome business i'll never ever live it down. My mind will have a field day smashing what little remains of my dignity into a bigass hole in the ground. And then I'll have to find myself a hole and hibernate it all out...Not something i'm planning to add into my schedule anytime soon. Why do i keep hoping for a heart that's never meant to be mine in the first place? It's all so stpuid and i've tried my best, but its wearing on me. I make decision after decision to ignore, distract, and deny. It's easy to say since talk is cheap. But my resolve shatters the instant i find that he's around. How incredibly childish of me.
Let me laugh a good laugh at myself now.
I have to choose. Now or never...before i can tangle myself in any further in this frivolous and despicable teenage pastime.