For. Fuck's. Sake.
I don't want to do this. I don't want to say it, I especially don't want to say it here. But this seems to be the only medium I can use right now to make it all clear.
I quit theatre.
Entirely.
Not one fiber of my being is proud about this. Not once bit of me supports this decision. The only part of me that made the conscious effort to sever these ties is my mind. That accursed black hole I have between my eyes that tells me to pretend like it's all fine. That everything's gonna be shitty anyway. Because it always feels that way. I hate me. I hate everything I hear about me. I fucking hate, more than anything anyone has ever said to me, the comment that I sound like an old man. That I sound forty. I got tired of hearing it. I hate it. I hate me.
I'm so very emotionally tired. I just want a day to feel like everything in the world is actually a good thing. I want to know what it's like to think that our world is one worth living in. I want to feel like I should give a damn. But I can't ever share a decent sentiment around most the people in the theatre group. Outside you, my dear friends, I don't have much. Hell, even my wonderful stalker-type person stopped talking to me.
I don't feel interesting. I don't feel tangible. I can't finish any sentence above ten words without losing my audience. Hell, I've probably even lost you by now.
But to the main subject of my post, not another teenage rant on how bad my life must be, I left theatre, and most of you still wonder why.
I can't take it. I cannot. I have not the ability to.
Every day I curse myself for it. And every day I remember why. I left because I was miserable doing the one thing that used to bring me such joy. I sat on the Black Box floor with my head in my hands fighting tears daily because it felt like a hostile environment. Everyone knows no matter how much I bullshit, I am no fucking good at hiding my feelings. I have to be heard. But when it gets to the point where I no longer get to keep anything to myself, I can no longer trust talking to the people I'm around, I can't be happy.
I leaned to stop trusting my castmates. I could not be around them. I cannot function without trust.
I got tired of the yelling. From the director, from the cast, from me. I became even more belligerent and confrontational. I became another aspect that I never cared to be. There was a new fight every day. Everyone had a score to settle with everyone else. When we went on convention, I saw numerous groups of schools posing for group pictures without being told to. They wanted to. It brought them happiness. You have no idea how fervently I wished for that.
I got tired of everyone trying to show the others up. I hated it. Everything was a fucking joke to them, this coming from someone whose life was defined by attempts at humour. All I wanted was a laugh, but when all it was was at the expense of the director or each other, I couldn't enjoy it. The tension would mount and all I do is absorb the atmosphere. I can't be happy in a room full of sad people. I can act it, but I never will be it.
I want to go back so badly. But I know the day I do, everything I said, all the fights I've had over this, all the misunderstandings and misfortunes involved, will never go away. They'll still be there plus the fact that my ardent stand against these things will have been just that... a joke. Again. No one will still trust me. Hell, a lot of people don't already, God knows what reason they have. In a way that's what I feel like. A joke.
To be blunt, the worst pain of all involved in this is that I can go back. I have to power to any day. But I can't tolerate being a part of it anymore. There's no whole to go back to. It's shattered beyond repair.
I never receive any support for my decision. In all fairness, I probably don't deserve any. But still I feel alone in the world in that degree. All I really feel connected to are you guys. My friends. The ones who actually listen to me. For once.
In short, The most horrible thing is this:
Every night I realize that there are few things in the world as painful as the knowledge that you cannot stand doing the one thing you are truly great at. I know that theatre is my best talent. Judging by the compliments I still receive(One of the only things I actually get them for), people are sincere in their sentiment. But I find it so damn hard to live with the daily pain of hearing these words. Just today someone told me they look forward to seeing me in the next show. I didn't have the heart to tell them. I don't think I ever will.
I just feel so damn bad. I cry as I write these words.
I know I have closed a world to me that I could have ruled at one point.
I know. And it hurts.
I quit theatre.
Entirely.
Not one fiber of my being is proud about this. Not once bit of me supports this decision. The only part of me that made the conscious effort to sever these ties is my mind. That accursed black hole I have between my eyes that tells me to pretend like it's all fine. That everything's gonna be shitty anyway. Because it always feels that way. I hate me. I hate everything I hear about me. I fucking hate, more than anything anyone has ever said to me, the comment that I sound like an old man. That I sound forty. I got tired of hearing it. I hate it. I hate me.
I'm so very emotionally tired. I just want a day to feel like everything in the world is actually a good thing. I want to know what it's like to think that our world is one worth living in. I want to feel like I should give a damn. But I can't ever share a decent sentiment around most the people in the theatre group. Outside you, my dear friends, I don't have much. Hell, even my wonderful stalker-type person stopped talking to me.
I don't feel interesting. I don't feel tangible. I can't finish any sentence above ten words without losing my audience. Hell, I've probably even lost you by now.
But to the main subject of my post, not another teenage rant on how bad my life must be, I left theatre, and most of you still wonder why.
I can't take it. I cannot. I have not the ability to.
Every day I curse myself for it. And every day I remember why. I left because I was miserable doing the one thing that used to bring me such joy. I sat on the Black Box floor with my head in my hands fighting tears daily because it felt like a hostile environment. Everyone knows no matter how much I bullshit, I am no fucking good at hiding my feelings. I have to be heard. But when it gets to the point where I no longer get to keep anything to myself, I can no longer trust talking to the people I'm around, I can't be happy.
I leaned to stop trusting my castmates. I could not be around them. I cannot function without trust.
I got tired of the yelling. From the director, from the cast, from me. I became even more belligerent and confrontational. I became another aspect that I never cared to be. There was a new fight every day. Everyone had a score to settle with everyone else. When we went on convention, I saw numerous groups of schools posing for group pictures without being told to. They wanted to. It brought them happiness. You have no idea how fervently I wished for that.
I got tired of everyone trying to show the others up. I hated it. Everything was a fucking joke to them, this coming from someone whose life was defined by attempts at humour. All I wanted was a laugh, but when all it was was at the expense of the director or each other, I couldn't enjoy it. The tension would mount and all I do is absorb the atmosphere. I can't be happy in a room full of sad people. I can act it, but I never will be it.
I want to go back so badly. But I know the day I do, everything I said, all the fights I've had over this, all the misunderstandings and misfortunes involved, will never go away. They'll still be there plus the fact that my ardent stand against these things will have been just that... a joke. Again. No one will still trust me. Hell, a lot of people don't already, God knows what reason they have. In a way that's what I feel like. A joke.
To be blunt, the worst pain of all involved in this is that I can go back. I have to power to any day. But I can't tolerate being a part of it anymore. There's no whole to go back to. It's shattered beyond repair.
I never receive any support for my decision. In all fairness, I probably don't deserve any. But still I feel alone in the world in that degree. All I really feel connected to are you guys. My friends. The ones who actually listen to me. For once.
In short, The most horrible thing is this:
Every night I realize that there are few things in the world as painful as the knowledge that you cannot stand doing the one thing you are truly great at. I know that theatre is my best talent. Judging by the compliments I still receive(One of the only things I actually get them for), people are sincere in their sentiment. But I find it so damn hard to live with the daily pain of hearing these words. Just today someone told me they look forward to seeing me in the next show. I didn't have the heart to tell them. I don't think I ever will.
I just feel so damn bad. I cry as I write these words.
I know I have closed a world to me that I could have ruled at one point.
I know. And it hurts.