Ashamed...of me?
I have a Chinese friend named Jack.
He wanted to know about a friend of mine he saw in the distance, and I told him that i wouldn't tell him anything more about my friends until he introduced me to some of his.
I think i've always been like this. Ever since I've been a child, I've guarded secrets, and as an adult, I tend to be mildy (very) posessive about my circle of friends. I mean, I work so hard to build it, that I don't want to lend them out all willy-nilly to other people, especially other people who aren't worthy of having my friends as there friends. The friend Jack was talking about is an American friend I have here named Zak, who I have to saw is one the most important people I've met here. I'm the type of person who thinks that if I let you too far into my life without having equal footing in yours, it'll be easier for you to screw me over in the end if things go awry. I don't like mysterious people, and I don't find that character trait alluring in the slightest.
So, Jack tells me that he would introduce me, but he's afraid that his Chinese friends aren't ready to meet a person like me (black and sassy), and that he doesn't want to have to deal with the residual questions they'd ask about me. To his credit, he'd have to tell them how we met (online), and if they got the wiff of me being gay, then his friends would probably put two and two together and discover that Jack too is gay. This discovery would ultimately lead to a lot of complications in his work and personal life that he's not willing to deal with, and in China, this information could be enough to destroy someone's life.
But, I get the impression that this is not the true reason he doesn't want to introduce me.
Chinese people don't see gay on other people, especially if it's on someone who is not a member of their culture. Because of a language gap, I don't let slip any traits about my identity that would lead to anyone guessing that I'm gay. In fact, no Chinese person has ever guessed this information because usually they're too busy on the fact that I'm black and they can communicate with me and ask me roughly any question they want about BOTH black people and American culture (if they believe I'm American). But, my fluent-English friend Jack could easily run interference through accurate translation and explain anything his friends need to know about me. I think, ultimately, he's just embarrassed to have a friend like me, and if I were white, this would not even be an issue.
He tried to soften this fact by saying, "Chinese people aren't ready for you yet." But, then I think of all the other Chinese friends I have and how they've introduced me to their other friends. I mean, who in their right mind would be ashamed to know someone like me?? Especially since Jack is a boy, he doesn't have to deal speculations that we're sleeping together, or that he wants the alleged huge black mamba between my legs. I'm always dealing with the question: who is using me (for English, for prestige, for the erotic, for whatever), and who wants to be a real friend. I guess this is also true in the States, but at least there there isn't a culture gap.
*sigh* I'm getting more and more fed up with China as the days go on. I can't wait for my American summer.
"Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
when I make me so damn easy to love?"
-Beyonce
He wanted to know about a friend of mine he saw in the distance, and I told him that i wouldn't tell him anything more about my friends until he introduced me to some of his.
I think i've always been like this. Ever since I've been a child, I've guarded secrets, and as an adult, I tend to be mildy (very) posessive about my circle of friends. I mean, I work so hard to build it, that I don't want to lend them out all willy-nilly to other people, especially other people who aren't worthy of having my friends as there friends. The friend Jack was talking about is an American friend I have here named Zak, who I have to saw is one the most important people I've met here. I'm the type of person who thinks that if I let you too far into my life without having equal footing in yours, it'll be easier for you to screw me over in the end if things go awry. I don't like mysterious people, and I don't find that character trait alluring in the slightest.
So, Jack tells me that he would introduce me, but he's afraid that his Chinese friends aren't ready to meet a person like me (black and sassy), and that he doesn't want to have to deal with the residual questions they'd ask about me. To his credit, he'd have to tell them how we met (online), and if they got the wiff of me being gay, then his friends would probably put two and two together and discover that Jack too is gay. This discovery would ultimately lead to a lot of complications in his work and personal life that he's not willing to deal with, and in China, this information could be enough to destroy someone's life.
But, I get the impression that this is not the true reason he doesn't want to introduce me.
Chinese people don't see gay on other people, especially if it's on someone who is not a member of their culture. Because of a language gap, I don't let slip any traits about my identity that would lead to anyone guessing that I'm gay. In fact, no Chinese person has ever guessed this information because usually they're too busy on the fact that I'm black and they can communicate with me and ask me roughly any question they want about BOTH black people and American culture (if they believe I'm American). But, my fluent-English friend Jack could easily run interference through accurate translation and explain anything his friends need to know about me. I think, ultimately, he's just embarrassed to have a friend like me, and if I were white, this would not even be an issue.
He tried to soften this fact by saying, "Chinese people aren't ready for you yet." But, then I think of all the other Chinese friends I have and how they've introduced me to their other friends. I mean, who in their right mind would be ashamed to know someone like me?? Especially since Jack is a boy, he doesn't have to deal speculations that we're sleeping together, or that he wants the alleged huge black mamba between my legs. I'm always dealing with the question: who is using me (for English, for prestige, for the erotic, for whatever), and who wants to be a real friend. I guess this is also true in the States, but at least there there isn't a culture gap.
*sigh* I'm getting more and more fed up with China as the days go on. I can't wait for my American summer.
"Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
when I make me so damn easy to love?"
-Beyonce