(no subject)
just read a few old entries. now im crying for the first time in days. yes, days. amazing, huh? i wish i could go back in time. i worry so much. i say so many stupid things. i cant help but wish things were different. and what am i supposed to do? tell him how i feel while he's having the time of his life in england and ruin all his fun, no. i have to wait. but he doesnt. i have to change. but he gets what he wants. i hurt constantly. he's happy with the situation. I would do anything to be with him. he doesnt want me. i feel selfish for wanting him to compromise his feelings to save mine. he is selfish for making me compromise. i resent him. i love him. he's hurting me more than i could ever express, and im letting it happen because the glimmer of blind faith in the back of my mind wont let go. so im a cry baby, and a complainer. and im self riteous, and over reacting. but if i have to compromise my feelings for him, im damn well going to express them fully to you. so here i am, my heart on the line, my thoughts on the page, my life being slowly contorted into an ugly misshapen mass of resentment and unrequited everything. and i know pessimism is ugly. but its what's real to me at the moment. im sorry you all had to see this, but i had to say something to someone, so i figured, why not everyone? you dont have to comment, im not looking for sympathy, im just looking for an outlet. i love you all.
Ashley
Ashley