(no subject)
It's very quiet here. I know you're not far away, close as my skin. I have tried to drink you away, fallen in the shower, slept on the floor when I've slept at all. And I know you're laughing somewhere, drinking, smoking, not thinking of me. I know I am not good enough for you. Not pretty enough, funny enough, kind enough. I am not her. My heart goes into shock, I can't believe I walked away from you. When you were going to kiss me. I can't believe I walked away. At the time I knew it would be because the next day you would tell me you didn't love me and you were drunk on beer and cigarettes. Maybe I knew you once, because you make me laugh like no one else can. And for some reason, I believe in you. In your shadows and premature eyes. This faith I have makes me sick, makes me anxious and wild in my dreams. Though I do not dream of you anymore. I keep shaking I am so lost. I am so lost. I know you care for me, but I worry so I am not enough. And why aren't you here to care for my worry? Why aren't you throwing down my fear and why aren't you here. My mind tells me it's all a test, to be strong in desire. I can hear you in my head telling me I'm so strong, though you've never said that to me before. I don't want to be strong for you. I don't want you to be another thing that just tests my strength. So this morning at 3am, when I'd woken from the fear and sadness in my stomach, I prayed that I was enough. That I could believe I was enough. That you would see that I was enough, that my honesty wasn't wasted on you.