(no subject)
i hate feelings, theyre posssibly the worst things in existance. my feelings usually change daily, i can like someone, i can hate someone it usually doesnt matter. i hate that it does with you. it always has. that is why i get upset. that is why i was so afraid. dont you understand? i was scared of feeling anything for more than 5 minutes. i was scared that i was gonna feel too much and fck it up. well i did fck it up, everything. i never stopped caring. i never stopped feeling anything for you, but how could i tell you? i dont even know how to talk! i am working on it, i really am, to be able to talk to anyone about anything relevant, especially you. i want to talk to you more than anyone, but i will never get the chance and it is all my fault. not even ten days ago you sat in my car and told me if i wanted to you would want to give it another shot, i want to give it another shot so badly but you say no. you tell me love doesnt exist, well if it doesnt i dont know whats wrong with me. ten days ago you made me begin to feel all over again even more than before because i was actually able to get to the point where i would talk. and when we were in the woods on wednesday, i still felt the same. i wish that my feelings were just triggered by sex, but theyre not they were there before that. now you dont even want me to touch you. this kills me inside. i like you so much, ive just been too scared or too inward to say so, i wasnt ready then, im ready now. im too late, ive messed up. if you dont feel the same way about me then why did you do what we did that day? why did you let me believe in something that wasnt there. you say you dont want to feel, i wish you were really feeling for me, that you just didnt want to because you kissed me yesterday too. im not going to bother you anymore, i will no longer follow you, touch you, etc. i dont want to burden you. i dont want to make it harder for you to leave. i just wish i could start over, whatever love isnt or is to you, i feel ten times stronger. i hate this, i just want to fade away. i love you.