(no subject)
A lot has happened since I last posted.
My life has changed a lot and the way I am and view people has aswell. I prefer my new self as I believe I'm being true to myself and such, regardless of what I wear and how I do my hair.
Firstly, that Russian? He cheated on his girlfriend, Kirstin, 2 weeks after they got back together, of course with silly gossips it got back to her, and although he told me the day after he'd cheated, I told no one because I thought it should be him telling her. So that was them over.
The day after he went to a local show at St.Peters with me and my friends. We got completly wrecked and ended up making out with eachother, which was a dream come true for me because I'd liked him for a long time and he knew it. When the show finished we walked along a street for a bit, then the aftermath hit me and I did incredibly ladylike vomitting in bushes. Some sweet guy I never met before asked if I wanted him to look after me and hold my hair, but I declined as I hate having people near me when I'm like that. I finally got it all out of me, just as Rhia's dad arrived to take us home, and I slept the entire way home. Rhia gave me a hotwater bottle and a glass of water and put me to bed. I woke up in the morning with probably my first hangover, even though I've been puke drunk before. I spent the entire Saturday at home in bed, and my mom still didn't realise I'd even been out of Rhia's house. I told her I was just sleeping over Rhia's, because she wont let me out for some stupid reason. Sunday, I went out with Felix, and Toeknee, Fee's gf who's become a good friend of mine, and she lives quite nearby. Max(that russian) met us there and we hung out as couples, which felt nice, having all the girls glare at me for being with him, I love the feeling of having people jealous of me.
The next Friday, we went to a local show at the Malting in Farnham, so I was allowed to go. It started off badly with arguments between Maddie and just about everyone, as her drinking is getting a little out of control although she hasn't touched a drop in the last 2 weeks which we're all proud of. I didn't drink, or do any weed that I was offered, because I'm just over that feeling and I don't reckon it's worth my pain or money. It was a pretty lame show, the pit was crap and the sound quality could have been better. I spent the entire night with Dorz, Maddie's bf, who she was ignoring. I was trying to cheer him up, and felt especially bad as it was me who invited him and he had no other real friends in the group. We had a good time although both of our moods were down because of Maddie and that stupid Russian, who was running off every ten minutes to go outside and drink his vodka. One highlight was kissing him infront of his ex who'd been nothing but a bitch to me since they broke up, like it was my fault? The next Saturday was Gtown, with a lot of my good friends, almost all of my bests.
Sometime during the next week, I'm not sure the exact day, I met Leo. He messaged me over myspace, saying I looked like a friend of his(and MattMatt's) and then we got talking. He added me to his msn, and we got along even better. That Friday night Toeknee came over, as George and Max were off at a party and other friends had gone iceskating. Saturday a lot of us went to Gtown, as we do most weekends, and Max was supposed to be coming but cancelled on me. That evening Rosie and Maddie came back for hangouts and they were good, took a lot of odd pictures. On Sunday I got told about what Max had gotten up to at a party, apparently he kissed some girls and I wasn't too fussed, as our relationship isn't exclusive, but I felt there were boundaries, but kissing was fine. Nonetheless, I began getting doubts about Max, do I really want a relationship with a guy who cheated on his last 2 girlfriends? I was telling my friend Jonny about the situation, and when he heard that, he asked me what the hell I was thinking of even considering being with this guy, and I actually had no answer. Tuesday night, Max noticed I was being weird towards him and asked me what was wrong, so I explained my predicament. I couldn't trust him, knowing what he'd done, and I can't have a relationship without trust. But, I was deeply in like with him, and had been waiting for him to want another girlfriend for months(inbetween his breakups with Kirstin and I'd like him throughout them). I felt like I'd be wasting my time waiting for him if I didn't feel our relationship could work, so I told him we'd be better off as friends, and that was fine with him, even though he'd earlier told me he liked me back.
On Thursday after school I went to Rowledge, to meet my new friend Leo. His school lets out at 4:20 so I was on my own for about 30 minutes but it was worth it. We hung out in Rowledge, had an amusing conversation with Yogi, the owner of the newsagents. Then we walked to Frensham Heights(school) and hung out in the music room, he tried to teach me guitar but I was crap. We hung out and it was nice but I didn't get a hug or anything which made me think he doesn't even like me as a friend, cos I hug my friends a lot, but according to Matt he said I was cool and fun to hangout with. Thursday night, I get messaged online from a friend who knew someone at the party. Had I heard what Max had done at the party? Yes, he kissed some girls, I'm fine with it. What was I talking about? He gone to both second bases with some random girl called Marsha. I actually felt my heart drop, even though our relationship was now over, it hadn't been when he did this. I cried actual tears over this, because I couldn't believe he would have done that to me, after all his conversations about wanting our relationship to be different from others. I got incredibly pissed off and the thought of cutting actually crossed my mind, after two years, was I really going to let some twat do this to me? No. I went downstairs into my garage, turned on the light and launched myself at the dusty punchbag. I didn't look for gloves, I was too pissed off. When my knuckles got sore I used my forearms and shoulders, beating the shit out the of the punchbag, screaming that I'd let someone get to me. This was why I stopped having relationships with people, and what happens in the first one after 2 years? I get hurt, and brought to tears.
The next day at school I felt like shit the entire day, but being with my friends helped, my knuckles were sore all day and I couldn't joke punch anyone without it hurting. That night I texted Max "I think we need to talk" He came online after a few hours, and I began my rant. Basically, his excuse was that he was drunk, stoned, didn't know what he was doing. No fucking excuse, if he liked me enough he wouldn't have done that, and wouldn't have fucking lied to me about it. I hated that I had to hear about it from someone else, and listen to them treat it like juicy gossip. I told Max I wanted to speak with him face to face and he complied. Today I went to Gtown with a lot of people as usual, a good start to the day, Max was an hour and a half late. He said nothing to me, and I certainly was making the first move, so after about 45 minutes he finally asked me, Do you want to talk? Yes, I did invite you here to do that but you've said fuck all to me for the last 45 minutes. He tried apologising and explaining it and I think he meant it, so I agreed to be friends, but any relationship we ever could have had isn't happening. After we met up with the others it seemed to go back to ignoring each other but I didn't care that much so that's me over him.
Today was pretty amusing, what with Cris having arguments with some of George's "scene kid" friends, who were being bitchy at him being like "Just because you don't fit in at the triangle!!" The triangle is the "emo hangout" which is pretty lame as it's just a triangle block of cement that they sit around or on and smoke and make dumb metal claws. Me, Matt, Rhia and Cris all went for a meal after everyone left and we had a good time. I spoke to Cris about relationships and such when we were on a cigarette break from dinner and Rhia and Matt chose non smoking area. He's a really sweet guy, he's bi-sexual and has been further with a guy than a girl and was the first person not to judge me and I said I've only ever been to first base. Sweet guy, I can see myself becoming good friends with him. I really want to talk to Leo but he's at some party in Bath.
I've been hanging out at the Plantation a lot, some youth club for kids, where you can sit and play nintendo or PS2 or chat with your friends and listen to some good music. The people there are just so real, there's so many styles of people there, and no ones judged. If someone is there that you don't know, they'll more than likely come talk to you and the staff there are cool. They tried to teach me some handshake but I couldn't get it haha. It's non smoking so you meet a lot of people just standing outside having a smoke, and I met some amusing people today. A lot of them are over 18, but they don't judge kids on age which is pretty sweet. I finally feel like I'm fitting in in life, I've got myself a group of friends who are similar to me instead of complete opposites, although I'm still friends with them. I used to look at groups and think, I have nothing in common with the people I hang out with, and they do, but finally I'm just myself and feel at home with the people I go out with. I'm enjoying life a lot, school is good and I'm getting good grades, and my love life is looking up, even if the last relationship failed, I have met new people who I can see myself liking in the future once I get to know them more. I'm not letting Max put me off dating because I know he's just one guy and the others are different.
You'll probably be glad to know I've given up weed, and have been clean since November. Alcohol I have pretty much given up on, just because I don't particuarly like the way I feel. I will drink now and again, at parties if it's on offer, but I'm not going around begging people to have a pissup like some people I wont mention. Both of these have turned a person I really liked into someone who managed to break my heart, the Russian.
I'm thinking of giving up smoking, seeing as I'm not addicted anyway, and just smoking when someone has them like I used to. I'll probably start giving up when I finish the next pack I already have, but I'm still going to be buying them in Slovakia and selling them on to make a profit =] Oh yeah, and I gave up chocolate and crisps for lent. Don't really miss them all that much, as all my favourite sweets are fruit or sugar ones anyway, and crisps were never that good. Basically my bodies gonna be working well pretty soon so I'm proud of myself for that.
That's probably the longest post I've ever done, but after writing all that I feel lighter because I've finally gotten out all my feelings from the last month.
My life has changed a lot and the way I am and view people has aswell. I prefer my new self as I believe I'm being true to myself and such, regardless of what I wear and how I do my hair.
Firstly, that Russian? He cheated on his girlfriend, Kirstin, 2 weeks after they got back together, of course with silly gossips it got back to her, and although he told me the day after he'd cheated, I told no one because I thought it should be him telling her. So that was them over.
The day after he went to a local show at St.Peters with me and my friends. We got completly wrecked and ended up making out with eachother, which was a dream come true for me because I'd liked him for a long time and he knew it. When the show finished we walked along a street for a bit, then the aftermath hit me and I did incredibly ladylike vomitting in bushes. Some sweet guy I never met before asked if I wanted him to look after me and hold my hair, but I declined as I hate having people near me when I'm like that. I finally got it all out of me, just as Rhia's dad arrived to take us home, and I slept the entire way home. Rhia gave me a hotwater bottle and a glass of water and put me to bed. I woke up in the morning with probably my first hangover, even though I've been puke drunk before. I spent the entire Saturday at home in bed, and my mom still didn't realise I'd even been out of Rhia's house. I told her I was just sleeping over Rhia's, because she wont let me out for some stupid reason. Sunday, I went out with Felix, and Toeknee, Fee's gf who's become a good friend of mine, and she lives quite nearby. Max(that russian) met us there and we hung out as couples, which felt nice, having all the girls glare at me for being with him, I love the feeling of having people jealous of me.
The next Friday, we went to a local show at the Malting in Farnham, so I was allowed to go. It started off badly with arguments between Maddie and just about everyone, as her drinking is getting a little out of control although she hasn't touched a drop in the last 2 weeks which we're all proud of. I didn't drink, or do any weed that I was offered, because I'm just over that feeling and I don't reckon it's worth my pain or money. It was a pretty lame show, the pit was crap and the sound quality could have been better. I spent the entire night with Dorz, Maddie's bf, who she was ignoring. I was trying to cheer him up, and felt especially bad as it was me who invited him and he had no other real friends in the group. We had a good time although both of our moods were down because of Maddie and that stupid Russian, who was running off every ten minutes to go outside and drink his vodka. One highlight was kissing him infront of his ex who'd been nothing but a bitch to me since they broke up, like it was my fault? The next Saturday was Gtown, with a lot of my good friends, almost all of my bests.
Sometime during the next week, I'm not sure the exact day, I met Leo. He messaged me over myspace, saying I looked like a friend of his(and MattMatt's) and then we got talking. He added me to his msn, and we got along even better. That Friday night Toeknee came over, as George and Max were off at a party and other friends had gone iceskating. Saturday a lot of us went to Gtown, as we do most weekends, and Max was supposed to be coming but cancelled on me. That evening Rosie and Maddie came back for hangouts and they were good, took a lot of odd pictures. On Sunday I got told about what Max had gotten up to at a party, apparently he kissed some girls and I wasn't too fussed, as our relationship isn't exclusive, but I felt there were boundaries, but kissing was fine. Nonetheless, I began getting doubts about Max, do I really want a relationship with a guy who cheated on his last 2 girlfriends? I was telling my friend Jonny about the situation, and when he heard that, he asked me what the hell I was thinking of even considering being with this guy, and I actually had no answer. Tuesday night, Max noticed I was being weird towards him and asked me what was wrong, so I explained my predicament. I couldn't trust him, knowing what he'd done, and I can't have a relationship without trust. But, I was deeply in like with him, and had been waiting for him to want another girlfriend for months(inbetween his breakups with Kirstin and I'd like him throughout them). I felt like I'd be wasting my time waiting for him if I didn't feel our relationship could work, so I told him we'd be better off as friends, and that was fine with him, even though he'd earlier told me he liked me back.
On Thursday after school I went to Rowledge, to meet my new friend Leo. His school lets out at 4:20 so I was on my own for about 30 minutes but it was worth it. We hung out in Rowledge, had an amusing conversation with Yogi, the owner of the newsagents. Then we walked to Frensham Heights(school) and hung out in the music room, he tried to teach me guitar but I was crap. We hung out and it was nice but I didn't get a hug or anything which made me think he doesn't even like me as a friend, cos I hug my friends a lot, but according to Matt he said I was cool and fun to hangout with. Thursday night, I get messaged online from a friend who knew someone at the party. Had I heard what Max had done at the party? Yes, he kissed some girls, I'm fine with it. What was I talking about? He gone to both second bases with some random girl called Marsha. I actually felt my heart drop, even though our relationship was now over, it hadn't been when he did this. I cried actual tears over this, because I couldn't believe he would have done that to me, after all his conversations about wanting our relationship to be different from others. I got incredibly pissed off and the thought of cutting actually crossed my mind, after two years, was I really going to let some twat do this to me? No. I went downstairs into my garage, turned on the light and launched myself at the dusty punchbag. I didn't look for gloves, I was too pissed off. When my knuckles got sore I used my forearms and shoulders, beating the shit out the of the punchbag, screaming that I'd let someone get to me. This was why I stopped having relationships with people, and what happens in the first one after 2 years? I get hurt, and brought to tears.
The next day at school I felt like shit the entire day, but being with my friends helped, my knuckles were sore all day and I couldn't joke punch anyone without it hurting. That night I texted Max "I think we need to talk" He came online after a few hours, and I began my rant. Basically, his excuse was that he was drunk, stoned, didn't know what he was doing. No fucking excuse, if he liked me enough he wouldn't have done that, and wouldn't have fucking lied to me about it. I hated that I had to hear about it from someone else, and listen to them treat it like juicy gossip. I told Max I wanted to speak with him face to face and he complied. Today I went to Gtown with a lot of people as usual, a good start to the day, Max was an hour and a half late. He said nothing to me, and I certainly was making the first move, so after about 45 minutes he finally asked me, Do you want to talk? Yes, I did invite you here to do that but you've said fuck all to me for the last 45 minutes. He tried apologising and explaining it and I think he meant it, so I agreed to be friends, but any relationship we ever could have had isn't happening. After we met up with the others it seemed to go back to ignoring each other but I didn't care that much so that's me over him.
Today was pretty amusing, what with Cris having arguments with some of George's "scene kid" friends, who were being bitchy at him being like "Just because you don't fit in at the triangle!!" The triangle is the "emo hangout" which is pretty lame as it's just a triangle block of cement that they sit around or on and smoke and make dumb metal claws. Me, Matt, Rhia and Cris all went for a meal after everyone left and we had a good time. I spoke to Cris about relationships and such when we were on a cigarette break from dinner and Rhia and Matt chose non smoking area. He's a really sweet guy, he's bi-sexual and has been further with a guy than a girl and was the first person not to judge me and I said I've only ever been to first base. Sweet guy, I can see myself becoming good friends with him. I really want to talk to Leo but he's at some party in Bath.
I've been hanging out at the Plantation a lot, some youth club for kids, where you can sit and play nintendo or PS2 or chat with your friends and listen to some good music. The people there are just so real, there's so many styles of people there, and no ones judged. If someone is there that you don't know, they'll more than likely come talk to you and the staff there are cool. They tried to teach me some handshake but I couldn't get it haha. It's non smoking so you meet a lot of people just standing outside having a smoke, and I met some amusing people today. A lot of them are over 18, but they don't judge kids on age which is pretty sweet. I finally feel like I'm fitting in in life, I've got myself a group of friends who are similar to me instead of complete opposites, although I'm still friends with them. I used to look at groups and think, I have nothing in common with the people I hang out with, and they do, but finally I'm just myself and feel at home with the people I go out with. I'm enjoying life a lot, school is good and I'm getting good grades, and my love life is looking up, even if the last relationship failed, I have met new people who I can see myself liking in the future once I get to know them more. I'm not letting Max put me off dating because I know he's just one guy and the others are different.
You'll probably be glad to know I've given up weed, and have been clean since November. Alcohol I have pretty much given up on, just because I don't particuarly like the way I feel. I will drink now and again, at parties if it's on offer, but I'm not going around begging people to have a pissup like some people I wont mention. Both of these have turned a person I really liked into someone who managed to break my heart, the Russian.
I'm thinking of giving up smoking, seeing as I'm not addicted anyway, and just smoking when someone has them like I used to. I'll probably start giving up when I finish the next pack I already have, but I'm still going to be buying them in Slovakia and selling them on to make a profit =] Oh yeah, and I gave up chocolate and crisps for lent. Don't really miss them all that much, as all my favourite sweets are fruit or sugar ones anyway, and crisps were never that good. Basically my bodies gonna be working well pretty soon so I'm proud of myself for that.
That's probably the longest post I've ever done, but after writing all that I feel lighter because I've finally gotten out all my feelings from the last month.