Only you could make it stop raining...
Consider this a "you heard it first" kind of entry. About love, and also about that epiphany I had last week concerning teaching. Because that was a big epiphany, and I think it deserves blogging.
I don't think people quite understand or understood my relationship with Bowen, and that's my fault, really, for always either understating or exaggerating whatever I was thinking. Communication issues have been the downfall of many a relationship, and we'll call it the demise of my own, but I won't say who had the issues. You can think on that by yourself.
I'm not in a relationship anymore, with Bowen. At least, not a romantic one. Yes, I'm sad, and confused, and sometimes it really does hurt when I think of the past three years, but it's not all pain and sadness, and OMFG-I-want-to-die. Because I don't.
There are times when I'm so overwhelmed by memories I don't know what to do other than to let them wash over me, and I'm ok with that because that's the way it's supposed to be. I don't want to forget the past few years, because even though we ended up here, we learned a lot from each other, about each other and ourselves. We both need to grow up in some ways, and right now, we need to do that away from each other. That's ok with me; I don't want to hold anyone back, and I don't want anyone holding me back from reaching my full potential. I'm only 21--there's a lot of stuff out there I love that I haven't tried seriously, and nearing the end of college, I'm starting to realize that it's time for me to get serious about not being stationary, if that makes any sense.
Last weekend made me question a lot of things, love included, but it wasn't just romantic love. I started to question my passion for teaching, and I started to think about whether or not it was really what I wanted to do. I've spent my whole life believing that I'd become a teacher, and when I got out of high school, it was all too easy to just go the easy route and keep on schooling, transferring, schooling, then go back to school as a teacher instead of a student. But I had this thought: if I started teaching right out of college, what the hell do I have to offer my students? Theory? What kind of educational experience is based off theory with no reference to practice?
I may be showing my nerd, but it reminded me of the 5th Harry Potter book, when Umbridge dishes out the lame Ministry DADA books and tells the students to put their wands away (I'll pause for any dirty jokes that cross your mind here, because I know I had a few...). The students complain; how will they be able to apply what they've learned in the text if they don't physically practice it first?
That completely applies to me, I think. What, other than my own close readings and what I've learned in class, could I offer my English students as a high school english teacher? Nothing. I've written some things, yes, and God knows I've written enough essays to fill my own literary criticism and theory book, but about life? About what's out there after high school, and college? What do I really know of that?
The more the situation fits if I went even further and wanted to teach theatre. Theatre is my passion, and I want nothing more than to allow future generations to be able to experience theatre the way I experienced theatre. It honestly saved my life, and I know it could do a lot more than that with students. But what kind of theatre teacher goes into her theatre class not having any acting experience outside of the couple plays she did in high school? By no means am I saying that Jones didn't train me well; I just think that she was such an epic influence in my life because she had been around the block, and she knew EXACTLY what she was talking about. She was a director, choreographer, actor....everything all rolled into one, and we listened and learned from her because she had been there. I haven't been in theatre since high school, and I've decided that my ultimate goal is to get back into it. I'm going to be an actor one way or another, one day or another, and I refuse to let something as trifling as money get in the way of that. If I need money, I'll make it myself, and I'll love doing it because it's going to bring me that much closer to the stage I'm dying to get back to.
In the meantime, I'm exploring my writing options as well. I've always loved to write; it's been as therapeutic for me as theatre has been, and while I'd much rather be on stage, I don't have a problem with keeping a pen in my hand as well (that's...what she said?). Since high school, I've been searching for my story, and I think I might have found it. At the very least, I've created a whole world--something I don't think I could have done if I wasn't under so much emotional and mental stress, so there's the good that's come out of this whole debacle :P.
Which kind of brings me back to the whole relationship issue. Bowen and I aren't together romantically anymore, but we're still best friends. I trust him implicitly as far as secrets go; I know he won't go sharing something I've told him in confidence, just like I wouldn't blab any of his (except the Vampire Weekend thing you were going to do for Jerrie, Bowen...I told her yesterday when I might have been a little bitter :P It's ok though--she much preferred the second Dir en grey concert you guys went to, so it all worked out). He's still the first person I'll think to share things with, not because I'm still in love with him or anything, but because we had such a solid friendship before we ever got together, that even when everything else we built around it falls apart, that foundation is still strong. I still enjoy spending time with him, he still makes me laugh, and he's helping me with my story/world. Well sort of. He's just as into fantasy novels as I am, and the fact that he's read a whole lot helps me know what has or hasn't been done. He's also very linearly minded; I'm just thinking of the world the story will take place in, while he's imagining the story itself, bouncing ideas off of what I've already established that I wanted. Also, he can draw really well and I couldn't draw to save my life, so he's helping me with some of the illustrations I'll need for my story. I might even let him help me with the map once I figure out where everything is exactly. Basically, I don't think of him as my ex-boyfriend, so please don't refer to him as such. There's too much negative connotation involved in that phrase, and he's more of a friend than an "ex" anyway.
In a nutshell, yes, my past two weekends have sucked so hard it's a wonder I'm not some supermassive black hole at the moment. At the same time though, I'm slowly growing accustomed to the changes I'm making in my life. I know people say that things happen for a reason, and I believe that. I've also heard people say to just go with the flow, and while I'm ok with that to an extent, it's time for me to take the oar into my own hands and see what's around the river bend myself. I'm sure there's a dirty joke in there too, I'm just too tired to really think about it....
As cliche and overused as it is, I know that life was never meant to be easy. I've hit my rough patch, and I'm working my way through it. My cousin will probably remind me of my life motto, right now (if she hasn't already :P), and as hard as it is to believe it, I'm going to hold on to it. Because happiness is a choice, and I'm going to start making my own choices in life--you know, not letting life live me, or some other cliche like that. There IS a reason for the way things work out, and even though I might not understand what those reasons are, I'm also not meant to understand everything in the world. If that was true, I wouldn't have had to take Stats 3 times. I'm not entirely okay with the whole "unknowing" thing, but I'm also okay with where I am in life--not so much geographically, but metaphorically, yes. Things will work out, in the end; I can feel that in my nuggets. And if I ever forget, I know some pretty cool people who'll remind me.
I'm also hungry, tired, and delirious...so if something didn't make sense, it really isn't you, it's me. And I need to stop with the cliches, I think. I also need to study, so that should be on the agenda somewhere too... anyway...
If you read this, and you really want to know how Bowen is doing, ask him :) I might be okay, and even really happy about the friends thing, but, you know, fresh wounds and all that. Eff. That was a cliche.
I really am fine though, at least, while I type this I'm fine, and worrying about me isn't going to do anyone any good. You all have your own lives to worry about, and one life is enough to live, really. (I can get away with that one because it's not a cliche, it's a soap opera :X)
Enjoy the rest of your weekend everyone, and be happy :)
I don't think people quite understand or understood my relationship with Bowen, and that's my fault, really, for always either understating or exaggerating whatever I was thinking. Communication issues have been the downfall of many a relationship, and we'll call it the demise of my own, but I won't say who had the issues. You can think on that by yourself.
I'm not in a relationship anymore, with Bowen. At least, not a romantic one. Yes, I'm sad, and confused, and sometimes it really does hurt when I think of the past three years, but it's not all pain and sadness, and OMFG-I-want-to-die. Because I don't.
There are times when I'm so overwhelmed by memories I don't know what to do other than to let them wash over me, and I'm ok with that because that's the way it's supposed to be. I don't want to forget the past few years, because even though we ended up here, we learned a lot from each other, about each other and ourselves. We both need to grow up in some ways, and right now, we need to do that away from each other. That's ok with me; I don't want to hold anyone back, and I don't want anyone holding me back from reaching my full potential. I'm only 21--there's a lot of stuff out there I love that I haven't tried seriously, and nearing the end of college, I'm starting to realize that it's time for me to get serious about not being stationary, if that makes any sense.
Last weekend made me question a lot of things, love included, but it wasn't just romantic love. I started to question my passion for teaching, and I started to think about whether or not it was really what I wanted to do. I've spent my whole life believing that I'd become a teacher, and when I got out of high school, it was all too easy to just go the easy route and keep on schooling, transferring, schooling, then go back to school as a teacher instead of a student. But I had this thought: if I started teaching right out of college, what the hell do I have to offer my students? Theory? What kind of educational experience is based off theory with no reference to practice?
I may be showing my nerd, but it reminded me of the 5th Harry Potter book, when Umbridge dishes out the lame Ministry DADA books and tells the students to put their wands away (I'll pause for any dirty jokes that cross your mind here, because I know I had a few...). The students complain; how will they be able to apply what they've learned in the text if they don't physically practice it first?
That completely applies to me, I think. What, other than my own close readings and what I've learned in class, could I offer my English students as a high school english teacher? Nothing. I've written some things, yes, and God knows I've written enough essays to fill my own literary criticism and theory book, but about life? About what's out there after high school, and college? What do I really know of that?
The more the situation fits if I went even further and wanted to teach theatre. Theatre is my passion, and I want nothing more than to allow future generations to be able to experience theatre the way I experienced theatre. It honestly saved my life, and I know it could do a lot more than that with students. But what kind of theatre teacher goes into her theatre class not having any acting experience outside of the couple plays she did in high school? By no means am I saying that Jones didn't train me well; I just think that she was such an epic influence in my life because she had been around the block, and she knew EXACTLY what she was talking about. She was a director, choreographer, actor....everything all rolled into one, and we listened and learned from her because she had been there. I haven't been in theatre since high school, and I've decided that my ultimate goal is to get back into it. I'm going to be an actor one way or another, one day or another, and I refuse to let something as trifling as money get in the way of that. If I need money, I'll make it myself, and I'll love doing it because it's going to bring me that much closer to the stage I'm dying to get back to.
In the meantime, I'm exploring my writing options as well. I've always loved to write; it's been as therapeutic for me as theatre has been, and while I'd much rather be on stage, I don't have a problem with keeping a pen in my hand as well (that's...what she said?). Since high school, I've been searching for my story, and I think I might have found it. At the very least, I've created a whole world--something I don't think I could have done if I wasn't under so much emotional and mental stress, so there's the good that's come out of this whole debacle :P.
Which kind of brings me back to the whole relationship issue. Bowen and I aren't together romantically anymore, but we're still best friends. I trust him implicitly as far as secrets go; I know he won't go sharing something I've told him in confidence, just like I wouldn't blab any of his (except the Vampire Weekend thing you were going to do for Jerrie, Bowen...I told her yesterday when I might have been a little bitter :P It's ok though--she much preferred the second Dir en grey concert you guys went to, so it all worked out). He's still the first person I'll think to share things with, not because I'm still in love with him or anything, but because we had such a solid friendship before we ever got together, that even when everything else we built around it falls apart, that foundation is still strong. I still enjoy spending time with him, he still makes me laugh, and he's helping me with my story/world. Well sort of. He's just as into fantasy novels as I am, and the fact that he's read a whole lot helps me know what has or hasn't been done. He's also very linearly minded; I'm just thinking of the world the story will take place in, while he's imagining the story itself, bouncing ideas off of what I've already established that I wanted. Also, he can draw really well and I couldn't draw to save my life, so he's helping me with some of the illustrations I'll need for my story. I might even let him help me with the map once I figure out where everything is exactly. Basically, I don't think of him as my ex-boyfriend, so please don't refer to him as such. There's too much negative connotation involved in that phrase, and he's more of a friend than an "ex" anyway.
In a nutshell, yes, my past two weekends have sucked so hard it's a wonder I'm not some supermassive black hole at the moment. At the same time though, I'm slowly growing accustomed to the changes I'm making in my life. I know people say that things happen for a reason, and I believe that. I've also heard people say to just go with the flow, and while I'm ok with that to an extent, it's time for me to take the oar into my own hands and see what's around the river bend myself. I'm sure there's a dirty joke in there too, I'm just too tired to really think about it....
As cliche and overused as it is, I know that life was never meant to be easy. I've hit my rough patch, and I'm working my way through it. My cousin will probably remind me of my life motto, right now (if she hasn't already :P), and as hard as it is to believe it, I'm going to hold on to it. Because happiness is a choice, and I'm going to start making my own choices in life--you know, not letting life live me, or some other cliche like that. There IS a reason for the way things work out, and even though I might not understand what those reasons are, I'm also not meant to understand everything in the world. If that was true, I wouldn't have had to take Stats 3 times. I'm not entirely okay with the whole "unknowing" thing, but I'm also okay with where I am in life--not so much geographically, but metaphorically, yes. Things will work out, in the end; I can feel that in my nuggets. And if I ever forget, I know some pretty cool people who'll remind me.
I'm also hungry, tired, and delirious...so if something didn't make sense, it really isn't you, it's me. And I need to stop with the cliches, I think. I also need to study, so that should be on the agenda somewhere too... anyway...
If you read this, and you really want to know how Bowen is doing, ask him :) I might be okay, and even really happy about the friends thing, but, you know, fresh wounds and all that. Eff. That was a cliche.
I really am fine though, at least, while I type this I'm fine, and worrying about me isn't going to do anyone any good. You all have your own lives to worry about, and one life is enough to live, really. (I can get away with that one because it's not a cliche, it's a soap opera :X)
Enjoy the rest of your weekend everyone, and be happy :)