you pray for change when you turn out the lights.
peace, punch, captain crunch!
It's entirely difficult to find your place in a completely foreign world. It's difficult. I find myself fascinated by the first-years' first week at Vanderbilt. So many different people; so many different worlds... COLLIDE. It's an extremely rare, beautiful, exquisite phenomenon. The same journey to finding oneself lived out by 1570 people. It's completely and utterly simple: simply life.
As I watch my first-year VUceptees and residents, I feel energized, alive. The life they have zaps me into me. As I influence and mold them, I am molded. I am charmed by their subtle ways; I am grateful for their acknowledgement and love. As they enter their journey to test their integrity, character, and substance, I catch myself entering the same journey- just a second year.
Ever been in a situation where you want to do something to make you feel accepted and cool, yet you know it is against your gut feeling whether to do it or not? It's sad that in certain conversations or situations, I still feel that way, and I still don't know if I can gather the strength either to resist in a humble way or to change my habits... perhaps change is the hardest thing. I am afraid of changing into someone I won't recognize. I fear for an ambiguous identity.
While first year students are having the times of their lives, I see myself dancing, laughing, having fun and just living- living the life I have always dreamed of... to be able to positively influence people, students, as well as have fun with people with common interests. That was what I felt with my fellow VUceptors and RA staff- great people; like-minded people. Yet, as I feel such a deep, infectious delight instilled in me as I recognize these connections made, there is a part of me that houses an insecurity.
I never dreamed to be able to have such an intense happiness, to be accepted unofficially as an upperclassmen. An upperclassmen in the sense that there is no longer an invisible first-year division between me and the rest of the school. When older students treat me just like them... is that good or is that bad? Does it make me seem less innocent, and does it make it seem more okay to put me in harder situations to answer harder questions and to make harder decisions- this time in front of people deemed friends- people who claim to know you? Is there a price to be cool? Maybe all along, it would have been better to have stayed a caterpillar instead of sprouting my wings into a social butterfly.
Who am I? What am I about? What will be my legacy here at Vanderbilt? What will I carry with me?
All those questions waiting to be answered. Rich floods of thoughts stream through my head. As I contemplate all of these confusing thoughts, I continue to plow through my doubts, fears, worries. As I face these questions, I see one thing that stands out: my integrity... is it so easy to lose your integrity, or is integrity an illusion, defined by what everyone else thinks of you? I want to be sure about my answer. I want to be firm. Yet, it's difficult because of the natural need for human acceptance and affection- things that may make you doubt yourself.
I hope that this year I will be able to stand firm in my integrity and not let a part of myself down. I hope to keep the love, joy, and laughter that radiates within my soul, reflecting the excitement of my residents and VUceptees. I hope to let real people find out the real me as I continue on my journey of discovery.
"That is happiness; to be dissolved into something completely great."
-Willa Cather
It's entirely difficult to find your place in a completely foreign world. It's difficult. I find myself fascinated by the first-years' first week at Vanderbilt. So many different people; so many different worlds... COLLIDE. It's an extremely rare, beautiful, exquisite phenomenon. The same journey to finding oneself lived out by 1570 people. It's completely and utterly simple: simply life.
As I watch my first-year VUceptees and residents, I feel energized, alive. The life they have zaps me into me. As I influence and mold them, I am molded. I am charmed by their subtle ways; I am grateful for their acknowledgement and love. As they enter their journey to test their integrity, character, and substance, I catch myself entering the same journey- just a second year.
Ever been in a situation where you want to do something to make you feel accepted and cool, yet you know it is against your gut feeling whether to do it or not? It's sad that in certain conversations or situations, I still feel that way, and I still don't know if I can gather the strength either to resist in a humble way or to change my habits... perhaps change is the hardest thing. I am afraid of changing into someone I won't recognize. I fear for an ambiguous identity.
While first year students are having the times of their lives, I see myself dancing, laughing, having fun and just living- living the life I have always dreamed of... to be able to positively influence people, students, as well as have fun with people with common interests. That was what I felt with my fellow VUceptors and RA staff- great people; like-minded people. Yet, as I feel such a deep, infectious delight instilled in me as I recognize these connections made, there is a part of me that houses an insecurity.
I never dreamed to be able to have such an intense happiness, to be accepted unofficially as an upperclassmen. An upperclassmen in the sense that there is no longer an invisible first-year division between me and the rest of the school. When older students treat me just like them... is that good or is that bad? Does it make me seem less innocent, and does it make it seem more okay to put me in harder situations to answer harder questions and to make harder decisions- this time in front of people deemed friends- people who claim to know you? Is there a price to be cool? Maybe all along, it would have been better to have stayed a caterpillar instead of sprouting my wings into a social butterfly.
Who am I? What am I about? What will be my legacy here at Vanderbilt? What will I carry with me?
All those questions waiting to be answered. Rich floods of thoughts stream through my head. As I contemplate all of these confusing thoughts, I continue to plow through my doubts, fears, worries. As I face these questions, I see one thing that stands out: my integrity... is it so easy to lose your integrity, or is integrity an illusion, defined by what everyone else thinks of you? I want to be sure about my answer. I want to be firm. Yet, it's difficult because of the natural need for human acceptance and affection- things that may make you doubt yourself.
I hope that this year I will be able to stand firm in my integrity and not let a part of myself down. I hope to keep the love, joy, and laughter that radiates within my soul, reflecting the excitement of my residents and VUceptees. I hope to let real people find out the real me as I continue on my journey of discovery.
"That is happiness; to be dissolved into something completely great."
-Willa Cather